Harris O’Malley on the cold, hard truth about the friend zone.
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One of the most frequently asked questions I get is about the dreaded “friend zone.”* How to avoid it, how to get out of it, why do well-meaning nerds keep getting stuck in it… It’s the nerd equivalent of The Bermuda Triangle. It is the Phantom Zone of geeks. It is Oan Science Cell of Love. It is the Chateau D’if of l’amour. You get the point. It blows goats and like death and taxes, it’s more or less inevitable when people are chasing the girls that they like.
And here’s the thing: the Friend Zone as we know it? Doesn’t really exist.
I know, I know. “Whaaaaaaaat?!”
The cold hard truth of it is, when you’re hearing “I just want to be friends”, “I like you but…” or the equally dreaded “it would ruin our friendship”, you’re not being thrown in the Friend Zone. What you’re hearing is generations of social pressure telling women that they can’t risk being direct for fear of offending someone. The words may be “You’re just such a good friend to me,” but the intended meaning behind it is “I don’t want to sleep with you.”
Y’see, there’s nothing inherent in friendship that precludes a sexual or romantic relationship; the act of simply sleeping with someone doesn’t magically change everything about a person except for the knowledge of what they look like naked and the fact that they make reallygoddamn goofy faces when they’re having sex. Sex, in and of itself, is neutral. It’s only what goes on in people’s heads that adds significance and meaning to it. And that’s where the Friend Zone comes in.
Because women have been taught all their lives that being direct and risking making someone upset is the gravest of all social sins, they couch their refusal in gentler – if misleading – terms. Now, their reasons for refusing will vary; it could be as simple as she doesn’t find the other person sexually attractive. She could be attracted to somebody else, but doesn’t want to bring it up. She could legitimately be afraid that having sex would complicate or change things – which is a topic for another time. But the end result? She doesn’t want to sleep with you. Hell, depending on the woman, she may not even want to be friends with you, but again: socialization says she can’t tell you this. So you get let down gently… and she inadvertently shreds your self-esteem into brightly colored confetti.
Now, is there a way of getting out of the Friend Zone?
Actually… yes. Yes there is. But that, my friends, is a whole different post.
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This article originally appeared on Paging Dr. Nerd Love. Reprinted with permission.
Photo credit: Getty Images
I’m not sure what saddens me more, that this is yet another article that paints men as villains who victimize women–on a website that is supposed to extol ‘good men’, or that the author of the article wants to suggest that somehow everything involved in this subject is the fault of men. The friendzone does exist. Unlike the author of the article, I’m actually going to back up my assertions with scientific research. (link at very bottom) Yes, the friendzone does exist, and no it has nothing to do with a woman’s fear of reprisal over turning down a man.… Read more »
“I’m not sure what saddens me more, that this is yet another article that paints men as villains who victimize women–on a website that is supposed to extol ‘good men’, or that the author of the article wants to suggest that somehow everything involved in this subject is the fault of men.” Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, and O’Malley has to perpetually privilege-check, patronize, or condescend to an audience. Because, of course, all revolves around gender & ‘privilege’ – so as such, in any comparison, all men ‘must’ be found to have objectively more power and agency, and all women objectively… Read more »
I don’t mind his opinions, but I kinda wish this website would focus more on GOOD men, and not the BAD. Why are most of the stories on here about all the things men do wrong? If we want men to strive to be ‘better’, we need to show them GOOD examples. No one likes being lectured.
Great points. I think it also needs to be said that men are not passive victims of being “friendzoned”. No one can take advantage of you without your permission! If you are stuck in a relationship where you do all the giving and get nothing in return then YOU need to call it quits on that relationship. Realize that the woman in question is perfectly happy with the staus quo. She has no incentive to be anything but a “friend” to you. She may think you are getting plenty out of the friendship (socializing, chatting etc.) and because she has… Read more »
To be fair Sarah, while I agree with your points, the reality is that far too many women don’t realize that men will never hit on a woman to become her ‘friend’. If a single man is showing ‘interest’ in a woman, his primary interest is not friendship. It can’t be, since men often find that if they do enter a relationship, most women aren’t all that keen on a guy who has a lot of ‘lady friends’. Heck, even having one ‘close’ female friend can make a man’s girlfriend/partner uncomfortable to say the least. So a man that pursues… Read more »
What do you think will happen if I start telling friendly men that I’m not interested in them? Rejecting someone pre-emptively is awkward, uncalled for, and a massive faux pas. In fact, it’s the sort of thing that it’s very hard to recover from with a casual acquaintance. I’m not going to start living my life in that way. Assuming that all men who are interested in me are interested in me as a romantic/sexual partner ONLY, and that if I don’t reciprocate that interest I don’t get to be interested in them in any other way either is just… Read more »
I have a simple and fool proof method for avoiding the “friend zone”.
I don’t enter it!
If I feel attracted to someone then I’m honest about my intentions right from the start and I don’t fluff around. If she does not feel the same way I accept it and move on.
There’s no point hanging in the “friend zone” when what I really want is intimacy. It hurts like hell when she hooks up with other guys and it is just plain torture. Been there, done that. Finished with it.
Agree 100%. Once I hear that phrase, I’m done. Here’s your cab, have a nice life. Number deleted. Life is way too short to spend it with women who only like a small piece of you.
What? You mean we just can’t be “FRIENDS”?
Yes. I wish more guys realized this. Usually, perhaps almost always, women are just trying to be nice when they say they just want to be friends. What it means is “I feel no attraction to you.” If guys would learn that, they would save themselves a lot of heartache.
And yet, Sarah, what I’m sure all of our men wish our women realise is that the friend zone, when described from an innocent even kind perspective, may seem like this complete invention by the privileged male psyche but in reality is a tool used by all genders in their veritable war chest to be used in this manufactured war of the sexes we are currently wrapped up in. Noting everything said in the above article, which is very hard to disagree with, it still assumes that the friend zone only exists as an invention in our men’s head. It… Read more »
Personally I have never taken advantage of a guy that way. I find it awkward to be friends with a man who I know is attracted to me. Do some women take advantage? Yes, but many don’t. I would argue that women who do this fall in a personality spectrum called histrionic personality… Google it. Learn to recognize this personality type and stay away from it. (My mother has a histrionic personality disorder so I am well aware of the havoc it causes) The problem is that histrionic people are superficially very fun and enaging, but they are self centered… Read more »
“Usually, perhaps almost always, women are just trying to be nice when they say they just want to be friends. What it means is ‘I feel no attraction to you.’ If guys would learn that, they would save themselves a lot of heartache.” There is, of course, a flip-side to that coin: Taken exclusively, universally, and unambiguously as such; that is to say, to be used as interchangeable currency with ‘I feel no attraction to you’ then there is no more ambiguity. If that’s what everyone truly wants and means. The debate is not really a question of relative ambiguity or… Read more »
Too often it’s about how they say it, in a way that sounds like “You are what I want but I don’t want you now” instead of a nice way to avoid direct rejection. Women need to learn to be more direct in their speech, men’s speech is usually far less ambiguous. The fault isn’t so much the men for not understanding quite indirect speech, but in the women who use indirect speech which is ambiguous at best. And everyone needs to learn to handle rejection better so people don’t use soft-rejections. For example – “Wanna go out?” “Not tonight”… Read more »
I don’t think women, or anyone for that matter, who do this sort of thing, are “trying to be nice”. Rather, it’s an easier exit from an uncomfortable situation. Being forthright when there is no attraction is much harder to do, but it does provide the other person with a clear view of their status and allows them to make an informed decision. Using the “society trained me this way” rationale, as the author tries to, can be used by both parties – so be careful how these excuses are couched. Guys can’t take indirect hints because “society trained them… Read more »