The Game of Love Is More Fun to Play When You Know Your Well-Being Doesn’t Depend on It

I have yet to meet author Michael Chief in person (I hope to someday), but based on his content and our online communications with each other, I think he’s a great guy.

That being said, when I came upon the following article of his, my reaction was, “Whoa, not so fast there…”:

You see, like him, I would never advocate that men (or anyone of any gender) close themselves off to (romantic) love — especially if they were to do so out of bitterness. (And just to be clear, being open to love doesn’t mean being willing to put up with $h:tty treatment.) But I do advocate giving oneself a “safety net”.

In a recent piece of mine (linked below), I wrote about a watershed moment in my life that came when I was in university:

Although the prospect of asking a woman out was daunting, I wasn’t paralyzed by the fear of rejection. I went for it. I didn’t take any individual woman saying no to me as a sign that I wasn’t worthy of love. The problem was that they all were saying no to me.

I felt a deep sense of betrayal — but not by those women. Like I said, I didn’t think they owed me anything, and if I wasn’t what they wanted, then I didn’t want to make them unhappy. No, I felt betrayed because the world had sold me on the joys of love and sex, but now that I was making a concerted effort to make it happen, life itself seemed to be telling me, “Hold up — you actually thought the joys of love and sex were meant for you?! Hahaha, that’s adorable. Poor little boy… thinking he ever had a shot.”

I’ve never bought into the cosmology of any religion, but I’ve always had an innate sense of there being some sort of higher power that transcends all human institutions. I bring this up because I never felt that women were gatekeeping love and sex from me. Rather, I felt it was that nameless higher power that was gatekeeping those things from me! It was the bouncer refusing to let me into the club. That was the rejection that broke me.

That sense of rejection at a cosmic level triggered a period of profound desolation in my life. I could no longer run from the fear of never getting to experience love or sex, and it crashed on me like an ocean wave. I was mourning the lover I could’ve been if only I’d been given a chance.

But here’s the thing: I didn’t heed the siren call of bitterness. I didn’t start seeing women as the cause of my torment. Instead, the veil of that depression lifted when I realized there was beauty and fulfillment to be found in life even if my love life and sex life were never meant to be.

When that happened, a great weight was lifted off of me. Now that I could accept without fear the possibility of never getting to experience love or sex, life was like a coin toss in which either outcome would be a win for me. Heads: I find a woman with whom I get to share a mutual romantic and sexual connection. Obviously a win! Tails: I never find that woman, but life still has enough juice in it to be worth the squeeze. While that wouldn’t be my first choice, it would still be a win. That’s what I mean when I talk about giving yourself a safety net.

Once I’d gotten over my fear of never getting to experience a woman’s (romantic) love and her expression of it through sharing her body with me, I decided to take a break from asking women out. But I wasn’t walking away from women; I just needed a rest and reset after months of furiously, desperately trying to land a date.

I didn’t stop socializing with the women who were already in my life, nor did I stop trying to meet new women.

I already knew how to have a good time with women in a non-sexual sense: interesting conversations, making each other laugh, activities/hobbies we both enjoy. It’s just that now, I was able to do all that without feeling a compulsion to find someone who wanted to be my girlfriend.

And that’s when I discovered something that sweetened the safety net deal even further: seeing both heads and tails as wins had increased my odds of the coin landing on heads (my preferred choice). As I’ve said before, life sometimes doesn’t give us what we want until we make peace with the possibility we’ll never get it, and this was one of those times for me. Within months of me realizing that the coin toss would be a win for me either way, the coin landed on heads: I had a girlfriend!

There’s a big difference between (a) renouncing love and (b) accepting with equanimity the possibility of never getting it.

The foundation of my ability to see both heads & tails as winning outcomes

When I was in high school, I got into Aikido (a Japanese martial art), and it unlocked something profound inside me. I’d describe it as a feeling of being connected to the universe that I’d never felt before.

For a boy like me, who grew up being either bullied or ignored by most of his peers, I can’t overstate how huge this was.

I went from yearning for acceptance from other kids my age, to shaking my head at how hung up I’d been on being accepted by children who think that popularity and image are what life is all about.

Those kids didn’t know $h:t about what makes life worth living. While they were busy engaging in typical teenage activities, I was busy going to my Aikido dojo and reading books to explore the world that had opened up to me (books on topics such as Zen and Taoism, the works of Joseph Campbell, etc.).

This is what laid the foundation for me to see how the juice of life would be worth the squeeze even if I never got to experience love or sex.

My experience of sex has actually benefited from my realization that sex isn’t the only thing worth living for

The feeling of having my penis inside the vagina of a woman who wants me there is exquisite. (I know Michael would agree with me on that!) But if I’m being honest, I’ve found that the deepest, most fulfilling joy of sex isn’t that. So what is it, then?

Let me share an example:

Looking into my partner’s eyes as I finger her with one hand and caress her with the other, and telling her with my eyes: “Yes, you deserve this. Your pleasure matters because YOU matter.”

Notice how this scene doesn’t involve my penis being inside her (or being stimulated by her in some other way). And it’s also about way more than just her pleasure.

It’s about the two of us connecting at a “soulular” level. It’s about creating a paradise for her where she’s free from objectification, body-shaming, and slut-shaming and can experience her body as the source of joy it was meant to be for her. It’s about giving her the empathy and passion that no sex toy ever could. It’s about helping her heal.

These are the things I live for when it comes to sex. (And I invite you to take a fresh look at the photo at the top of this piece with that thought in mind.) But I might never have learned that about myself had it not been for my journey to find what makes life worth living — a journey that has always been about more than just women, love, and sex.

Am I a simp?

I realize that some men reading this might be thinking, “Wow, that’s what he enjoys most about sex?! What a simp!” So let me assure you: my awareness of what I find most thrilling and fulfilling about sex has made me less thirsty, not more. As I’m fond of saying:

No matter how gorgeous a woman is, no matter how stunning or breathtaking I find her, I know that if she were to get naked with me, I would make it a beautiful experience for her.

This self-knowledge enables me to be in the presence of even the most alluring “goddess” without feeling intimidated or turning into a drooling mess.

My takeaways for you:

Know the difference between turning your back on love and accepting with equanimity the possibility that you’ll never get it.

Don’t just blindly accept what you’ve been taught — or what any influencer tries to tell you — makes life worth living. Be ruthless in finding that out for yourself.

Keep your mind open to the possibility that love & sex aren’t the only juice in life that’s worth the squeeze. That way, you can set yourself up to win no matter which side the coin lands on.

You’re more powerful than you realize.

© Ben Rosenthal 2025