The Lie I Believed About God’s Will — And the Life It Almost Cost Me

I was twenty-three when I almost joined a missionary organization I had absolutely no passion for.

A pastor told me it was “God’s will,” but I wasn’t so sure.

Still, I’d been trained not to trust my own instincts, only to trust authority, trust the process, trust God (by which I often meant: trust the people who said they spoke for him). So I said yes. I filled out the paperwork. I started raising support. I even gave a testimony at church about how I was being “obedient to the call.”

But something didn’t feel right.

I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting sick. And one night, while praying in total confusion, I blurted out the words I was scared to even think: “God, I don’t want this.”

The silence that followed wasn’t angry. It was freeing. I felt, for the first time, like God was giving me permission to walk away. Not because I was rebellious. But because I was finally listening to the voice I’d been told to ignore for years: my own.

A Moving Target I Was Told to Chase

Growing up in the church, I was taught that all our desires, dreams, and goals must be crucified and laid at the feet of Christ — surrendered in the pursuit of something known as “the will of God.”

However, pursuing the “will of God” was like chasing a horizon that never appeared to come any nearer. No one was ever quite able to spell out what that elusive beast known as “the will of God” really looked like or where it could be found.

The problem was compounded when I was repeatedly assured that if I would just be patient and “wait on the Lord,” God’s will would be revealed to me eventually. Meanwhile, I felt paralyzed and helpless, unable to pursue the things I was passionate about in case they weren’t “the will of God.”

While I waited, so many possibilities passed me by in a blur of regret and missed opportunities.

The problem with submission

Laying down your dreams for Jesus: On the surface looks like a beautiful act of faith — a recognition of the fact that we are not in control and that we desire to be connected to something or someone greater than ourselves.

However, the danger comes when through our genuine and heartfelt desire to please God, our willingness to surrender is taken too far or, worse, exploited. This kind of submission can be used as a tool of control by leaders and teachers who want to maintain power over their followers. By encouraging people to give up their own desires and goals, a church leader with delusions of grandeur can redirect a faithful and well-meaning parishioner’s energy and enthusiasm toward the leader’s own vision and agenda — which usually involves building a church empire.

I understand the idea of submission to God and think that, perhaps, there can be some redemptive, purely psychological interpretations of it but it has, for the most part, been little more than a dream-killing tool wielded by accidental tyrants in order to keep people serving the vision of a leader or teacher.

Following the will of God somehow became mixed up with following the will of the pastor. A wise pastor recognizes when this happens and directs people back to their own agency. “Ask God for yourself,” they will say! But, a bad pastor will leverage a Christian’s eagerness to please God for all its worth.

Don’t trust yourself: Trust God (and by God, I mean me)

“The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

I’ve heard a dozen sermons or more on this little verse from Jeremiah. It was used time and time again to create a healthy distrust for my own inner voice. I was told that trusting in my intuition, and pursuing the desires of my heart, was dangerous.

So, whose voice should I trust?

God didn’t seem to be saying much — at least not directly — but the pastor seemed to hear “God’s voice” and understand what “the will of God” was.

It was as if my only purpose in life was to serve a higher power — whatever that meant. The problem is that this kind of messaging makes people feel like they don’t have agency over their own lives. It can be especially harmful when it comes to decision-making, preventing people from taking risks and pursuing their passions.

I’ve seen this play out many times in real-life scenarios. For example, I had a friend who had a passion for music and dreamed of pursuing a career in the industry. But because he believed that his desires needed to be subordinated to God’s will, he ended up putting his dreams on hold. He even smashed his guitar because he was convinced it had become “an idol” in his life. He felt guilty for wanting something that wasn’t explicitly tied to his faith and believed that pursuing his passion would be a form of disobedience.

Imagine what could have been.

Another example I’ve seen is the way some Christians approach long-term relationships. They may be attracted to someone who doesn’t fit the mold of what their religious community deems acceptable, but instead of following their heart, they feel pressured to conform to what they believe is expected of them. They may even believe that their attraction is a form of temptation and that it’s their duty to resist it in order to remain faithful to God. Consequently, I’ve seen many Christian young people give up their chance for happiness only to stay in a miserable marriage with a person who also happens to be a Christian just to keep the judgment at bay.

It’s tragic.

A New Perspective

Does that mean we never surrender our will to God? Or is it possible to approach our relationship with God in a way that honors our own desires and dreams while still recognizing our need for surrender and guidance?

I believe that the key lies in understanding the nature of God and the role of our own desires in our spiritual lives.

Firstly, I believe God is not a tyrant who wants to control every aspect of our lives. No! Rather, God is a loving parent who wants to see us grow and thrive. Just like a good parent would never want their child to give up their dreams and goals to please them, I don’t believe that God wants us to do that either.

In fact, I believe that our desires and goals are a key part of our spiritual lives. They are how God speaks to us and guides us toward our purpose and destiny. When we are passionate about something, I actually believe that it is often a sign that we are on the right track and that God is working in us. I’d even go so far as to say that perhaps it is the Spirit’s guidance.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should never surrender our desires and goals to God. There may be times when we need to let go of something to make room for something better or to learn an important lesson. But this should never be done out of a sense of obligation or fear but rather out of a spirit of trust and faith.

Ultimately, I believe that the fruit of the Spirit that is self-control is not about denying our own desires but rather about being guided by our own inner wisdom and intuition. When we can discern what is truly important to us and what is just a distraction, we are surely closing in on that elusive beast known as “the will of God.”

Flipping the Script

I have watched more lives than I care to recall be shipwrecked by the belief that their lives needed to be “submitted to God” — that all desires, original ideas, dreams, goals, and intuitions, had to be ‘crucified,’ ‘laid at his feet,’ and turned away from.

But what if we flipped the script?

What if we viewed our dreams and desires as something sacred rather than something to be crucified and laid at the feet of Jesus or some other higher power? What if we believed that our intuition and gut instincts were trustworthy guides and that we had the power to shape our own destiny? And what if we believed that God — like the good Father he is — was okay with us forging our own way? What if there are multiple paths of blessings — not just that one special but largely elusive “purpose” for our lives?

Wouldn’t that be liberating?

Maybe it’s ok for you to have a vision for your own life. Maybe one of the ‘fruits of the Spirit’ really is self-control, and maybe self-control means actually taking control of self. Perhaps your gut and your intuition are reliable tools, and you really can know what is right and pursue it.

Maybe, the Spirit of God is that inner voice of truth that, deep down, we know.

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This post was previously published on Backyard Church.

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