Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
Hey Wendy,
I’m dating a good guy, but I keep looking online to see if I can do better. Do I have a problem? Is this a bad sign? Do I need to grow up?
Kathy K
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Hey Kathy,
Great question. The short answer is that it depends.
You’ll want to investigate your own set of best practices for the dating process.
Some people only “date” one person at a time — however, I’d like to point out that that is not actually dating. That’s, as they say in Grease, going steady.
Dating is meant to be a process of meeting a bunch of different people to see who’s the best fit for you.
You hang out, sing badly at Karaoke night, drink coffee or an adult beverage somewhere festive, go whale watching, or I don’t know, get your Tarot cards read — shit like that. All while gathering data to see if you’d like to do it again next Friday.
Dating is to help you learn the answer to “But do I like like him?”
You investigate your compatibility, and hope you share enough commonalities to make things sizzle.
You pay attention to how they treat you.
You (hopefully) pick up on any red flags.
You pay attention to the potentially problematic stuff you might need to stick a pink post-it on to check back on it later.
Dating is a process that takes time — and yes, many, many, many dates — as you move from being random strangers to being a part of each other’s inner circle.
In my opinion, exclusivity should not be granted to someone you don’t know well.
Wait until you know what you can count on them for (and what you can’t count on them for), then look to commit to a relationship.
And once you’re both ready, it’s not one conversation but many.
The set of rules to “be my girlfriend” isn’t as simple as wearing his pin or cruising the strip in his ’56 Chevy anymore.
You can’t assume what being his girlfriend means until you’ve talked it all through.
Does that mean no more swiping right on Tinder?
Do you maybe need to disable your account entirely?
What does “cheating” look like to both of you?
What are you committing to?
What are you specifically not committing to?
If he’s someone you’re casually dating, technically, you don’t owe him your full attention. If you’ve had the exclusivity conversation and decided that you’re up for the girlfriend experience, then that’s another matter.
You know yourself, your behavior, and your desires a lot more intimately than I do — So ask yourself what’s behind your itch to swipe right.
Instead of wondering if you have a problem, ask yourself what you’re not getting from him that you think another guy could do a better job at giving.
Do you want to merge your life with this guy, or do you prefer being single and on the prowl?
If I said to you, “Okay girl, it’s either this guy or being alone. What’s it going to be?” What would you choose?
These are all normal questions we all ask ourselves during the dating process, whether we’re continuing to look online or not.
Sometimes we get into things with someone because we’re sick of being single.
And dating can suck sometimes. Assembling Ikea furniture alone sounds like a better Friday night than going on another online date. I get it.
If you’re not sure, though, keep dating. But if you’ve already locked down this guy in a relationship, you’re going to need to loosen up that arrangement in order to do so. Be honest. Try starting the conversation with, “I think we committed a bit too early. Can we keep dating each other while we get to know each other better and see other people as well?” See where the conversation goes from there.
Good luck!
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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