I once talked to a senior IT manager in a large publishing company. We were discussing the hiring process and compensation levels. What makes someone a senior developer as opposed to a junior? I expected he’d come up with areas of expertise one must have, but he said something else entirely:
“For someone to be a senior, they need to be comfortable to ask for help.”
(Naturally, this wasn’t the only requirement, but it was the one that — according to him — made all the difference)
He continued:
“Seniors know when they can solve a problem by themselves, when to push a bit harder, and when to take a step back and ask for help. They aren’t underestimating themselves, but they also aren’t trying to protect their ego.”
Up to that point, I had never looked at it from that perspective, but now, years later, I think he’s right. I also think his insight applies to domestic partnerships as much as it does to work.
Becoming your own person
As kids, and when we hit puberty, we slowly become our own people. We no longer want our parents to be involved in every decision. We establish our independence. We want to do it ourselves(footnote)! On one hand, this helps us grow. On the other hand, the desire to do everything ourselves, regardless of the context, is also a sign of us being juniors.
“But isn’t that how you grow?”
Sure. And they say the best way to learn is from mistakes, but it may cost you. And sometimes, you don’t need to make the mistakes — you can learn from those with experience. Collect information — involving others who are experienced in a particular domain — and then do it yourself. Of course, Google and ChatGPT are your best friends, too. There’s a huge difference between an 18 y.o. saying “I want to do my own taxes!”, collecting all the needed info, and doing their taxes, and the same 18 y.o. just winging it. Yet different is the 18 y.o. who doesn’t even want to try or learn: “I don’t know how to file my taxes, so I let my parents handle it.”
A time to grow and a time to execute
Not all of us are fortunate enough as adolescents to have the time and room to experiment and make mistakes. And not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to learn important life skills from others. So naturally, for many of us, the craving to experiment comes later in life. We’d rather make mistakes than ask others for help. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, but I do believe this — as in business — is a sign of being a junior in a certain area. And while it’s absolutely okay to be a junior, an important aspect of being a junior is the level of responsibility you’re expected to shoulder.
Ideally, in areas where you’re experimenting and growing, you don’t carry the end responsibility. When you do (and sometimes we have to), it’s nice if you can find some sort of safety net. And that’s where you can grow and still act mature: in areas where your skills are limited, and consequences are potentially big, ask someone with experience to check what you’re doing. This can be a friend or a professional. And asking them doesn’t make you any less capable. In fact, it shows maturity.
Choose senior partners
In monogamous relationships, a domestic partnership is usually (though not always) the equivalent of your romantic relationship. In polyamory, a domestic partnership is what we often call the relationship with your ‘nesting partner(s)’, the partner (or partners) with whom you share a household. It’s not necessarily the romantic aspect of the relationship, but rather the practical one: how you divide the responsibilities as you work together in practical matters. Think household chores, administrative tasks, or taking care of children.
In the best domestic partnerships, we have a full range of skills, expertise, knowledge, and resources, so we can work together effectively to get everything done and build a beautiful future together.
(Note how ‘resources’ is part of the mix: sometimes, resources to hire someone who will do it for you can make all the difference).
Now, imagine that instead of leveraging all of your best expertise, each of you is set on doing everything themselves, including areas they don’t know much (and aren’t willing to learn) about. Imagine the person with two left hands fixing the roof. The one struggling with administration in charge of taxes. The most impatient and short-tempered one educating the children.
Above, I gave you an example of three different 18 y.o. Now, replace 18 y.o. with 30 y.o. and ask yourself: with which of the 30 y.o. would you prefer to share a household?
Dating is easy (well, sort of), but building a life together is not. Personally, I wouldn’t want to share responsibilities with a person unwilling to grow, nor with a person willing to take on responsibilities, but overall unable to accurately assess their own skill level.
Be a senior partner
Of course, it’s easier to criticize our partners, than to take a critical look at ourselves, so let’s do that, for a second, too. Do you want to be a senior partner? Someone others can rely on? Then ask yourself: what areas are you great at, what is something you can shoulder easily, or maybe even teach others? And what’s something you need help with, in order to deliver and to grow? A domestic partnership isn’t just about love. It’s also about complementing each other. So don’t be afraid to contribute. But don’t be afraid to ask for help, either.
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In non-monogamy, there is no blueprint for ‘the right type of relationship’. That’s why we created a deck of Polyamory Conversation Cards that help you define and communicate your needs and boundaries in the many different aspects of polyamorous relationships. In 49 prompts, you’ll explore topics such as emotional security, sexuality, and practical matters. Grab your deck in the webshop!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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