The Seven Stages of Heartbreak (According to Rom-Coms)

Heartbreak in real life? Ugly crying, sweatpants, and rewatching your ex’s Instagram stories while pretending you “accidentally” clicked on them.

Heartbreak in rom-coms? A dramatic, multi-stage process that always leads to self-discovery, a glow-up, and a conveniently placed new love interest.

After years of extensive (and very scientific) research involving watching every rom-com Netflix has to offer, I present to you:

The Seven Stages of Heartbreak — As Written by Hollywood

1. Denial — “Pfft, I’m Fine. Who Needs Love Anyway?”

This is where the protagonist (you, probably played by Emma Stone or Ryan Reynolds) insists that they are totally, 100% okay.

Signs you’re in this phase:

You say things like “Honestly, it’s for the best.” while gripping your wine glass a little too tightly.
You suddenly develop a deep passion for kickboxing, pottery, or aggressively cleaning your apartment.
Your best friend gives you The Look™, because they know you’re two seconds away from collapsing into a puddle of emotions.

In rom-coms, denial is always paired with an unrealistic amount of energy. The heartbroken character takes on too many projects, starts a new hobby, or decides to run a marathon despite never having jogged before.

This is a lie. In real life, denial looks like wearing the same hoodie for three days straight and telling people you’re “just really busy” when they ask why you look like a raccoon.

2. The Emotional Explosion — AKA The Ugly Cry Scene

No rom-com heartbreak is complete without The Scene.

This is the moment when everything comes crashing down. It happens in one of two places:

In the rain (because Hollywood thinks people cry better when wet).
On the couch surrounded by empty ice cream tubs and takeout containers (the universal symbols of heartbreak).

Your best friend tries to intervene:
“Maybe you should shower?”
You, between sobs: “What’s the point? Love is dead.”

At this stage, the protagonist will also do one of the following:

Listen to “their song” on repeat until their Spotify Wrapped is just Sad Boi Anthems 2024.
Watch their ex’s new happy relationship unfold on social media like it’s a reality TV show.
Call the ex at 2 AM and immediately regret it.

(If this were real life, the only way to fix this stage is to block their number, delete Instagram, and eat an unreasonable amount of carbs. Science.)

3. The Drunken Mistake — “I Should Text My Ex.”

Ah, yes. The classic Poor Decision Phase.

This is when our protagonist — after consuming an ungodly amount of tequila — suddenly decides that calling or texting their ex is the best idea ever.

Their best friend tries to wrestle the phone away:
“NO. PUT IT DOWN.”
Them, with the determination of a Marvel villain: “I just wanna talk.”

This is also the phase where exes are spotted in public, leading to even more poor decisions.

They see their ex laughing with someone new and immediately spiral into a dramatic monologue about betrayal.
They try to act mysteriously unbothered, fail miserably, and end up knocking over a table.
They send The Text™. (”Hey. Hope you’re good. Also, did I leave my hoodie at your place?”)

This is where their best friend sighs deeply and orders another drink.

4. The Glow-Up — “Revenge Is a New Haircut.”

At some point, every rom-com protagonist snaps out of it and realizes that looking sad doesn’t get you back in the game.

Cue the training montage of self-improvement:

They chop off their hair. (Nothing says “new me” like emotional damage disguised as bangs.)
They suddenly take up yoga or pilates, despite previously laughing at the concept of stretching.
They upgrade their wardrobe. (Did they raid a celebrity’s closet overnight? Where did all these perfect outfits come from?)
They throw away all the stuff that reminds them of their ex. (Except for one thing, because sentimental pain is essential for plot development.)

This phase is 80% haircuts, 10% dramatic mirror pep talks, and 10% walking into a room in slow motion while exuding new confidence.

5. The Unexpected New Love Interest — “Oh, Who’s This?”

Just when they’ve “sworn off love forever,” a perfectly-timed new person arrives.

They bump into each other at a coffee shop (and somehow don’t spill anything).
They reconnect with an old friend who’s suddenly attractive.
They meet at a wedding, a bookstore, or during a wacky misunderstanding that leads to banter.

This person is always charming, slightly quirky, and appears just in time to “restore their faith in love.”

In real life, this would take months (if not years) of therapy. But in rom-com world? One picnic date and a meaningful conversation about childhood trauma should do it.

6. The Inevitable Setback — “Love Is a Scam (Again).”

Oh no, things were going too well. Time for a misunderstanding, bad timing, or an ex showing up uninvited.

This stage involves:

A dramatic airport chase (because people in rom-coms always book flights at the worst times).
One person getting scared and running away.
The best friend delivering a speech about second chances.

This lasts exactly 20 minutes of screen time before everything miraculously works out.

7. The Grand Romantic Gesture — “I Love You. Let’s Kiss in the Rain.”

Finally, we reach the climax of every rom-com ever.

Someone does something ridiculous and impractical in the name of love.

They interrupt a wedding (rude).
They stand outside with a boombox (unrealistic).
They give a long-winded speech about fate, destiny, and how they were meant to be together.

And just like that — happily ever after.

The movie fades to black, the credits roll, and the audience sighs because deep down, we all want to believe in rom-com magic.

Final Thoughts: Real Life Is Not a Rom-Com (But We Wish It Was)

If heartbreak actually followed these seven stages, maybe it wouldn’t be so painful.

But in reality, heartbreak is messy, weird, and definitely doesn’t come with a makeover montage.

So if you’re in the middle of a heartbreak, just remember: Forget the grand romantic gestures. Skip the bad decisions. And please, for the love of rom-com logic —
Don’t text your ex.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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