The Surprising Moment I Realised I Finally Understood Female Nature

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Am I right, fellas?

Well, actually no…

The more time you spend with women (especially in romantic scenarios), the easier it becomes to understand them.

Sadly, the average man doesn’t spend enough quality time with women he’s attracted to.

And when he does, he’s usually drunk…

I was one of those average men throughout my teens and early twenties.

I’d only dare to speak to attractive women at bars and parties after four pints of beer. Before that point, they seemed far too intimidating to speak to.

Occasionally, I’d use my Dutch courage to get lucky, although I’d have no idea what I did to make it happen.

More often than not though, I’d stagger home alone.

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Discovering The Men’s Dating Advice Community

I’d take a different approach to meeting women.

This change was out of desperation more than anything.

Since my previous girlfriend had cheated on me and left, I hadn’t gotten lucky in more than a year. I hadn’t even landed a date.

The break-up had left me carrying this bitter and needy energy that repelled every woman I talked to.

But I wasn’t aware of that.

I figured I was saying the wrong words or doing something stupid.

So, I turned to the internet for answers.

And that’s when I discovered the men’s dating advice community.

This online community was formed of dating coaches and the men hoping to learn from them.

It was around a decade ago. Social media hadn’t truly taken off, and forums were still thriving.

Either way, I was so excited to have discovered this goldmine of advice.

A key idea being shared was that seduction was a skill. A skill that could be improved with time.

Many men on these forums were meeting women sober in bars, nightclubs and even daytime environments like beaches and shopping malls.

They would write reports explaining what happened on their ventures and how they’d do better next time. Many would encourage other members of the forum to join them on their next night out.

And that’s exactly what I did. I’d just moved to London and barely knew anyone, so why not?

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My Enlightening Sober Night Out

An older Arab guy called Adam agreed to meet me at ‘The Book Club’ in Shoreditch. He’d clocked up hundreds of posts on these forums and it was clear he was socially astute.

This was my first sober night out, and he could sense I was nervous. Thankfully, he gave me a simple three-step formula that I still use to meet women in bars today.

Step 1. Build social momentum

It’s common to arrive at the club and not want to socialise with strangers, especially when you’re sober. Our brains are naturally resistant to anything uncomfortable. It’ll come up with excuse after excuse to keep you in your comfort zone. To overcome this, it’s best to start building social momentum as soon as you arrive.

This is as simple as starting conversations with everyone you see. Men, women and large groups stood in a circle. Everyone. Some groups would welcome conversation. Others would awkwardly excuse themselves. It didn’t matter at this stage.

We weren’t worried about the best thing to say or how long conversations lasted. The goal was simply to show ourselves that it’s OK to speak to strangers.

Step 2. Stay in the conversation

Using social momentum, we built a ‘flow state’ that allowed us to approach beautiful women without fear or hesitation. Our inhibitions had disappeared. It felt like we were drunk without being drunk.

In this state of mind, you’ll inevitably find a woman who’s happy to talk to you. From there, the goal is to stay in the conversation long enough for her to show romantic interest.

So many guys bail on conversations with women who could potentially have liked them. These men don’t understand that it takes time for a woman’s attraction to blossom. Before that, she might act somewhat cold because she’s nervous, unsure about you or testing your confidence.

If you can be the guy who stays in the conversation and continues having fun anyway, you can be the guy who takes this woman home.

(When she wants to be left alone, she’ll tell you to go away or she’ll leave. Don’t ever stop her from doing that. There’s nothing awesome about harassment.)

Step 3. Pull The Trigger

In time, you’ll find a woman who’s hooked on your every word. She’ll laugh at your jokes, respond well to your flirting, ask questions, etc. At this point, it’s time to pull the trigger.

As Daniella sat at the table finishing her beer, I opened the conversation with the careless arrogance of a man who had been having fun all night.

“Who the hell are you!?”

As I smirked, her eyes expanded like a loved-up anime character. She smiled and said she’d just moved to London from Copenhagen. I could only focus on her long blonde hair and skinny legs.

It was closing time and her friend had just jumped in a cab. Once she told me that, I interrupted her sentence, grabbed her hand and led her out the door.

She asked where we were going.

“Afterparty.”

Often, women will throw token objections. This time, it was simple.

On the way to the taxi rank, we worked out that her flat was the best place for the ‘afterparty’. Adam jumped in the taxi too. We kept the laughs and jokes going throughout the journey.

Daniella asked Adam how we knew each other. There’s was a moment of panic as our answer hadn’t been pre-determined.

“TINDER!” he yelled.

She laughed and Adam changed the subject. He’d clearly dealt with this hurdle before. We jumped out of the cab in Stratford. My ‘Tinder date’ Adam carried on home.

Daniella’s flat was the fanciest I’d ever set foot in. She was a banker, and quite clearly a well-paid-one. We sat in the living room with a Spotify playlist and two cans of obscure Danish lager (my first drink of the night).

We spoke about deep topics, such as how soulless it can be working in finance. There was a flirtatious vibe, but no obvious signs she was ready for sex.

I knew that the same principles of ‘pulling the trigger’ should apply. Be decisive and assume she’s down for it. She’ll make it clear if she isn’t.

As she stepped towards the fridge, I stood up, stopped her and leaned in for the kiss. She kissed back passionately, like she’d been waiting for it this whole time. I led her to the bedroom and a gentleman would never say what happened afterwards…

However, I will say: it’s the first time this happened to me while sober.

…

So, What Did I Learn Exactly??

Walking past the Olympic Stadium the next morning, my head was spinning. Not from a stinking hangover, but an epiphany.

You don’t always need to be an amazing man to attract a woman. You don’t need some clever pick-up lines. There’s nothing to be intimidated about.

Sometimes, you just need to be a fun and confident dude who stays in the conversation and is decisive enough to pull the trigger at the right time.

The more I went out in London, the more I realized that’s often all you need.

Sure, there were some extra skills I’d learn and use with time. But, at the end of the day, women like sex too. They’re not these mysterious creatures who are so different to us. If you think they are, you’ve probably not spent enough time getting to know them.

A lot of women are open to casual sex. Even sophisticated women like Daniella. If you can show you’re a cool guy, build a connection and pull the trigger in a way that makes her comfortable, you can be that guy they enjoy it with.

It would be unfair to label Daniella as just a casual fling though. We dated for several weeks. She introduced me to her friends who would grow to become some of my first new friends in London.

She would eventually have to return to Denmark, but we’re still connected on social media. Every time her content pops up, I’m reminded of the simple yet powerful lessons she taught me.

…

This true story happened almost 10 years ago. My new book ‘Offline Dating’ outlines the key lessons I’ve learned about seducing women in the real world over the last decade. You can learn more by clicking here or watching the video below.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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