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For the last couple of years, I have been struggling. I am divorced with 50/50 custody of three children and a (usually) good, co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife. Since our divorce, we have always intended to be consistent and on the same page regarding our children.
The truth is, we are very different and have very different parenting styles, so consistency and “being on the same page” does not always happen.
On top of that, all three kids are very different. Imagine that.
My daughter is very social and active, one son has a lot of friends and hates school, while the other keeps a much smaller group of friends and is incredibly artistic. With that, their needs, self-expression and what motivates them, is entirely different. This has driven me nuts at times.
My mom still tells me that I was “so cute and adorable until I grew up.” It is a playful jab, and I get it. I believe part of what she means is that I used to listen to her. I was also cute, but that’s beside the point.
Now, my kids are not “cute and adorable” anymore. They are people. Of course, they always have been, it is just that they have solidified into more adult-like versions of themselves. Where they used to have to do what I said or suffer the consequences, they now require more from me. And, honestly, it has taken some adjusting.
My idea of parenting has been a mixture of my experience as a martial arts instructor, my time leading personal development programs for teens and young people, and from having (partially) read some of the “spiritual” books on parenting. I have always been well aware of the judgey-ness from other parents, and non-parents, and realized early on that none of us have it figured out.
A few of the moms that I know on social-media who seem to have it all together, only have one child. Thus, their circumstances are different from mine. I mean, how can I spend all the time they do, have all the deep conversations and teach life lessons with three very different beings at the same time? This doesn’t even take into consideration my own processes, needs, frustrations and desires as an adult. In fact, I have been taught I need to set all of my own stuff aside as it is.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that there has been a whole lot of error on my part along with the trials.
One thing I know my children benefit from, however, is that I am willing to take personal responsibility for when I do make mistakes. This, as with any successful relationship, is key.
I have heard “I hate you” more times than I would have liked to. The thing is, I also remember thinking that about my parents when I was my kids’ ages. I may not have actually said it though, because “getting your mouth washed out with soap” was a real thing. With the errors, I have come to this realization: My kids need guidance more than dictatorship at this point in their lives.
This transition has come through some amazingly painful and beautiful times with them. Recognizing they have real career aspirations, real relationship desires and real convictions about how they see the world has been huge.
I cannot just say, “don’t do that,” “don’t hang out with that person” and “don’t believe these things.” They have their points of view, which I also am discovering have little to do with me. Meaning that they aren’t choosing these things to get back at me, they are actually choosing these things for their own specific reasons.
More and more of my conversations with my kids are becoming inquiries; asking them why their interests are what they are and why they like hanging out with who they hang out with, for instance.
From there, I get to offer my opinion (if it seems necessary) and entrust them with more responsibility. I find that our conversations now include some version of, “I understand where you are coming from, you know my thoughts on it, you get to make the choice.”
And they will make the choice. And I will always be there for them regardless.
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