Sometimes the answers are right in front of you.
I’d gone out with a girl, and we had fun, and I wanted to see her again.
And I told her that.
“We’ll do something soon,” she replied.
I got annoyed.
Soon? When is that? In a couple of days? A week? When?
I didn’t ask her when “soon” was because I thought she’d get annoyed with me and I didn’t want her to be annoyed with me. So I just said “sounds good” and left it at that.
But I didn’t just leave it at that. At least, not with myself.
Doesn’t she want to meet up again? I thought we had a good time? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that and what if she doesn’t like me, and where’s the conversation going to go now, and …
My thoughts owned me and I couldn’t seem to move beyond them.
A few days later, after I’d apparently put myself through enough pain, I asked her out directly.
She made some excuse.
I suggested another time and another place.
She made some excuse.
I suggested yet another time and yet another place.
Guess what she did?
And then I just said, “ok, well let me know when you’re free.”
I was fucking angry. But I was also upset. I was interested in her and it didn’t seem like she was interested in me.
I thought, “why are all women like this?”
And then I smiled.
Because I hadn’t learned something I thought I’d learned.
All women weren’t like that.
All the women I was choosing were like that.
All the women I’d ever chosen to be with had been indirect, and hadn’t liked me being direct, and were emotionally closed, and seemed to want me to pursue them, and had said things like “I know I’m a nightmare with this sort of stuff.”
I hadn’t understood that until this moment. I’d just been blaming them. Blaming them for my choices.
Believing that “all women are [x]” is cowardly because it means you’re refusing to take responsibility.
But it’s also just a useless belief. How does believing that help you? The only thing it helped me to do was to blame everybody else for my own choices and, because of that, never do anything different.
Believing that “all the women I’m choosing are [x]” helps me to know that the only common denominator in every relationship I’ve ever had is me.
What a relief.
Because that means I can make different choices. That means I can choose a woman who’s completely different to who I’ve chosen before. That means I can go inside and understand why I made the choices I made.
You’re the common denominator in every relationship you’ve ever had.
That truth won’t change just because you don’t like it.
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