There’s a part of our minds, or more accurately, our hearts, that’s reserved for love and intimacy.
Unfortunately, modern dating pools are filled to the brim with people who advertise themselves as available yet wear invisible signs saying, “Keep a safe distance at all times.” They are unavailable yet do not see themselves as such, for there’s no room for someone else in their hearts.
Making room for someone in our hearts requires an emptying out of the hope that this relationship, the next one, the one after that, or the previous one, will return us to an intensity we may have experienced in childhood.
I’m talking about a subject that still makes me a little sick to mention.
It’s called emotional incest, and I knew exactly what it meant when I heard it. I knew I was involved in it even as a mature man.
The purpose of this article is two-fold: to educate you about this multi-generational dysfunction and to share what I’ve found in recovery. I’ve done considerable work around relationships and perhaps no heavier lifting than this.
The Chosen Child
“The greatest burden a child must bear is the un-lived life of its parents.” — Carl Jung
Dr. Patricia Love wrote a book called The Emotional Incest Syndrome and calls the victim of emotional incest the Chosen Child.
In what is also known as “enmeshment” or “covert incest,” the Chosen Child becomes a surrogate partner to a parent. This parent cannot get their emotional and/or sexual needs met by the other parent due to divorce or any other form of emotional or sexual restriction.
Almost unconsciously, it seems, a mother may get her needs met by her son or daughter. Fathers will typically put “Daddy’s Little Girl” in the role of surrogate spouse. This situation robs the child of their childhood and thrusts them into a pseudo-adulthood.
The Chosen Child then feels responsible for the enmeshed parent’s covert urges, emotional condition, life circumstances, and unmet needs. This parent often confides in the child, telling them secret desires, fantasies, past indiscretions, and opinions about the other parent or the opposite sex.
This damaging scenario leaves children with a false sense of superiority, control, expectation, and a deep longing to recreate the magic felt between parent and child.
Since parents are like all-knowing gods to children, this unhealthy bond creates an intensity that’s nearly impossible to recreate in an average adult relationship.
Eating disorders, sexual acting-out, addictions to porn, masturbation, sex, or just about anything else are all likely symptoms of emotional incest. The Chosen Child grows up with a feeling of emptiness that no amount of outside stimulation or validation can meaningfully fill.
Exit Through the Gift Shop
“Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal.” — John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You
In my experience, the “gift” of being the Chosen Child must be seen for what it is and worked through directly. Too often, I’ve been in recovery rooms with people who’ve gone their entire lives thinking that if only they found the right person, their relationship problems would be solved.
They believe their addiction to intensity outside their primary relationship will vanish, or their avoidance of intimacy and relationships will magically disappear — if only they found The One.
Even if they find the person that “completes them,” that gnawing emptiness will present itself insidiously, preventing a true and lasting intimacy from developing. Additionally, the ability to attach in a healthy way to a partner is severely diminished due to the emotional presence of the enmeshed parent.
To heal from emotional incest, one must confront the fact that enmeshment took place, then do the long and painful healing work of sorting through buried emotions. A child who idolizes his parents cannot believe they were at fault or wrongful in their behavior, so a great cover story develops around six years old.
Many children remember enjoying the unhealthy closeness with a parent, even believing they “saved” one parent from another. The child may have enjoyed the extra attention, thinking they were special, better than the other kids, or more important than the other parent. Pia Mellody calls this empowerment abuse.
Chosen Children thus grow up with a confusing cocktail of emotions, ranging from intense love and idolization to anger, hatred, resentment, and shame. Often, Chosen Children will grow up saying that their childhood was problem-free and their parents met all of their needs. It isn’t until the lid is pried open after hitting bottom that they see their childhood as anything but ideal.
Realizing this can feel like one’s world has been turned upside down and shaken vigorously. In his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover recounts story after story about men who struggle in intimate relationships, sabotaging themselves through acting out and preventing success in multiple areas.
The men in the book and every other Nice Guy I’ve encountered have a deep, hidden well of anger that comes out sideways under the right circumstances. These bursts of anger will ruin relationships, job opportunities, friendships, and family ties because the core issue — the emotional incest — has not been addressed directly.
Processing the feelings and rewriting the childhood narrative is essential.
Breaking Up With Your Parent
“The tendency of Nice Guys to be monogamous to their mothers seriously inhibits having any kind of a genuinely intimate relationship with a partner in adulthood.” — Dr. Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
According to Dr. Glover, Nice Guys don’t get the love they want because they remain “monogamous to Mom.” I couldn’t agree more; this pseudo-romantic connection to his mother can remain, even after her passing.
Perhaps he can pick up women, sleep with many of them, and even get married and have kids, but there’s always a part of him that has no room for intimacy with another person because psychologically, that’s Mom’s domain.
It can happen with women, who become Daddy’s Girl, Daddy’s Little Princess, or Mom’s surrogate partner. It doesn’t always occur with the opposite sex parent — it’s common for women to have relationships with their mother bordering on surrogate partnership.
Women exhibit the same intimacy-avoiding behavior even if they categorize themselves as Anxiously-attached. The Anxious and Avoidant do one thing well in all relationships: they ensure that lasting intimacy remains a fantasy.
I believe that releasing the pseudo-romantic connection to a parent and humanizing them is a vital part of this process. It’s not to say it’s easy, however, because abandoning a mental image and emotional tie to that image is difficult, mainly because it formed at such an impressionable age.
Seeking therapy, attending support groups, and building a community of trusted individuals who’ve undertaken a similar journey, should help. I believe that dealing with the symptoms first, in other words, stopping the addictive behavior and patterns of acting out, is the first step.
Removing the numbing agent — the substance or behavioral addiction — enables the real work to begin. The mind is a consummate trickster that paints red flags green or convinces us that “this time it’ll be different.”
However, without a solid conscious awareness or people pointing out old behavior, we’ll replace the actors, not the script.
Resources and Final Thoughts
“…there will be an end to your pain. And once you’ve released all those pent-up emotions, you will experience a lightness and buoyancy you haven’t felt since you were a very young child.” — Dr. Patricia Love, The Emotional Incest Syndrome
Below are some books and resources that I’ve found extremely helpful in my recovery journey, in no particular order:
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- Iron John by Robert Bly
- The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Dr. Patricia Love
- Homecoming and Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
- Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
- Sexual Healing by Peter A. Levine, PhD
- Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous / SLAA
- ACA / Al-Anon
If reading this feels like someone turned your world upside down and spun it in the opposite direction, you’re not alone. Countless people, whether they know it or not, are Chosen Children who remain psychologically and emotionally attached to a parent.
If you’ve found yourself inexplicably sabotaging important parts of your life yet think you had a good childhood, I invite you to take another look.
If you’ve felt a deep well of unquenchable emptiness that no amount of likes, comments, one-night stands, relationships, drugs, alcohol binges, comfort foods, or anything else can fill, examine the relationship with your closest parent.
Additionally, confront the toxic shame surrounding your life as a Chosen Child. Children often enjoy being in this role when younger, then later develop a deep and pervasive shame about it. They often feel responsible for perpetuating the dynamic when it is the parent’s responsibility.
Learning to set boundaries with the enmeshed parent, removing the caretaking behavior and a false sense of responsibility while healing the toxic shame, have been foundational in my recovery and several people in my life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Omar Lopez on Unsplash