This Is the Best Relationship Advice I Learned From Reality TV

I used to despise reality TV.

I’m heavily involved in the scripted arena of the entertainment industry and deeply in love with the art forms of writing and acting.

It angered me to think I would gift The Bachelor host, Chris Harrison, another luxury car by indulging in his show.

If I was going to watch any reality TV, it would be adventurous, like The Amazing Race, or Survivor.

Watching these shows was furthering my education. I could learn the main trades of the people in Oslo, Norway. Or how to build a shelter out of palm fronds in case my raft crashed onto a deserted island with lots of palm fronds.

But as I became an adult who had more real life adulting shit to deal with, sometimes I just needed a damn break. I wanted to escape my overworking brain and not have to THINK about anything.

I also got hired to write a few pitches for reality TV shows… so I needed to figure out why all the hype.

What drives humans to attend weekly events dedicated to who’s going to receive a rose? (I’ve been to a few Bachelor viewing parties and there is NOTHING more tantalizing than a bunch of grown ass women yelling at a TV screen as Pilot Pete pulls a total fuck boy move yet again…).

When I first cautiously dipped my toe into the reality TV waters… I wanted table flipping cat fights and Bachelors jumping walls in Prague. I wanted the insanity of people getting married at first sight… I wanted to relax.

Some reality TV is fucking bat shit crazy, no doubt.

But I’ll be damned… I’ve cried many times. Not from laughter, from actual emotion brewing in my body. From seeing two strangers showcase unconditional love, to others confronting their greatest fears in search of their deepest desires, and even just people being boldly honest about what they wanted in life and what they will sacrifice to get it.

I got to see genuine relationships form and develop and I’ll admit; I was wrong. Not all reality TV is trash. Some reality TV, good reality Tv provides hope.

It pissed me off I liked reality TV so much. But I’m honestly really grateful for it when my noggin needs to numb out and I want to watch two cat lovers see if they can fall in love with more than their cat.

We’re not going to deep dive into every genre, we’re just sticking with the loveeee shows right now.

I’ve endured a hardcore reality TV bootcamp in relationships, romance, and roses. Here are some helpful insights for any relationship in your life, even if it’s just the one with yourself.

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Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Insight #1: You are the greatest asset in your life

Learned in: The Single Wives Club

Master relationship coach Matthew Hussey dropped this explosive gem of knowledge.

I was unseated by this emotional bomb as it landed right in my gut while watching this Australian dating show on Netflix. Titled the Single Wives Club, of all things.

Fun fact: I know Mr. Hussey. If you’ve ever been to one of his workshops, you’ve seen my face in his opening video talking about how Byron is a real douche and I need Matt’s help to let that loser go. Matt is fucking outstanding and his advice is the real deal.

The show’s purpose was to aid currently single, previously married women get back on the dating scene, with Matt standing in as the dating whisperer.

The women were facing their fears of being rejected, expressing their unwillingness to have to “impress” someone again, and the resistance to endure another heartbreak…

Matt passionately shared with the ladies that “They are the all the greatest assets in their lives.” His job wasn’t just to escort them on dates, but it was to rebuild their confidence in themselves.

The phrase has stuck with me ever since. I constantly echo it to everyone with ears, and I use it as a foundation for my business.

We are all the greatest assets in our life. It starts and ends with us. Why would anyone else even dare like us if we don’t even like ourselves? If we don’t think we’re sexy, or a total badass… we can’t accept anyone else feeling that way about us.

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Insight #2: Fuck being “good on paper”

This past season of Married at First Sight, (Ugh, so good. So addicting.) featured a couple Christina and Henry, who constantly echoed how they will stick with their loveless relationship because they were “good on paper.”

Now, look. I’m not a quitter, I hate giving up on shit. So if I just dragged my family onto national television to watch me legally marry a stranger, I would have a hard time ditching my man when it clearly wasn’t working out. I would try to hold on to any thread of hope I had.

But Henry and Christina were doomed from the start and tried desperately to find hope in some similarity that was only displayed on paper, and never once exhibited in real life, why they were a potential winning match.

I have friends do it all the time in real life. Hell, I’ve done it before.

It always fails, it never works. If the quality of your relationship is only justifiable by what realistically makes sense if you looked at your lives side by side… does not mean that shit works.

Do yourself a favor and move on. I promise there is a partner out there who you connect with in real time and they’re waiting to laugh their ass off with you and indulge in some weird shit, as the “paper status” of your relationship goes up in flames behind you.

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Insight #3: Building a strong, intimate bond, has nothing to do with sex

But it’s even more important.

There are so many splendid examples of this, you’d be nauseated if I went through them all.

The Bachelor and Married at First Sight showcase unique examples of this.

With the Bachelor, sex isn’t really on the table until “fantasy suite” week. (Gag. Whoever made this name… why, just why?). Intimacy is formed through over-elaborate dinners that end in fireworks and plane rides over mountains.

They’re forced to either talk about real shit, or not talk about real shit. Attraction plays a part, but sex isn’t introduced into the equation. And then when sex is, the relationships that prevail are the ones that have already formed intimate bonds outside of sex being a factor. Typically, the suitor they’re most attached to doesn’t get the boot just because fantasy suite didn’t turn out to be an actual fantasy.

In Married at First Sight, Keith and Iris were matched. She was a virgin, Keith wasn’t. When they unfortunately ended their marriage, Keith expressed it had nothing to do with them not having sex, it had to do with him not getting his emotional, intimate needs met. When he tried to have deeper conversations with Iris, he didn’t feel connected to her in the way he needed to want to stay in the marriage. He wanted a partner he felt bonded with in a way that only they could experience together.

Sex is sex. Intimacy is intimacy. The people you can bravely engage intimately with are special and leave you feeling all ooey-gooey inside.

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Insight #4: Don’t mesh your emotions with your partners

Ok, this one is partially therapy…

I’ve suffered from intense people pleasing tendencies my entire life. My therapist and I have worked a lot on me, not “meshing” my emotions with those in my life. I have my emotions, they have their emotions, and then there’s a shared space where we both bring our individual emotions together, but they remain separate entities.

Watching Married at First Sight (Also, this happened in Love is Blind a lot as well (Ugh, so good. So addicting), Brett and Olivia were featured in this last season. They had extremely different views with their finances, and they would typically get into arguments when discussing them.

When they sat down with Pastor Cal to have a therapy session together and talk about their marriage journey so far, Olivia would describe what she valued in life. She wanted adventure, to travel, to go out and experience new things, Brett would become sarcastic and heated.

When he would repeat back his interpretation of what Olivia was expressing, it was super harsh criticisms and judgements on his own money views, none of what she was saying or insinuating.

Many times Pastor Cal had asked Brett to listen to Olivia, or repeat back what she was saying, and every time it would come out as a jumbled mess of emotions that he would use to push her further away and protect himself and his ego.

Brett was determining Olivia’s passion and frustration when she would express how she wanted to spend her money and free time as a direct criticism on himself, rather than hearing what she was saying.

He took on the responsibility of what she was saying and invested in himself a problem that was very solvable and had no judgement towards him.

Going into a conversation with your partner, you may get triggered, you’re different people who have different wants and needs. But that’s exactly it. You’re different people., with different points of views. Keep your identity when you converse and recognize your partners and then share a safe space together.

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Photo by Dimitri Kuliuk from Pexels

Insight #5: Do you want a wedding, or a marriage?

Wanting both is an option too.

Guys, I totally get it. Weddings are fun as fuck, and who doesn’t want to have a whole celebration dedicated to them putting a ring on another human?

But there are a few bad eggs on these shows where they reek of wanting a wedding and having no fucking clue what a marriage entails.

Kelly Ripa and her hubby eloped. They’ve been together for over 20 years and when asked if she would re-do her wedding so she could… have a wedding… she said no. They wanted a marriage, not a wedding. She’s happy with how it went down.

Boom.

The wedding is the fancy cherry on the cake of your union. So whenever I see these people so excited for the pretty dresses and free booze and the second there’s a conflict in the partnership they crumble and want to drive their car off a cliff I sit there in amazement like what the hell did you think you signed up for? A life of hopefully continued love and shitloads of compromise boo boo.

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Insight #6: Communication is always key

This is the most repeated, oldest one in the book. It’s shared across every show, every relationship, and is the true component to stand the test of time.

It’s simple and underrated. Share your thoughts kindly and patiently. Listen to your partner’s thoughts kindly and patiently. Hold safe space.

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Bonus Insight: Cat lovers love other cat lovers

If a cat mom finds out that they are betrothed to a cat dad… they feel an unexplained, eerie sense of intimacy, understanding and love for this other person from the sole fact they also are a cat parent.

I like cats. I’m not a cat parent, so I don’t understand this one in my bones… but whenever two potential partners express that they have a wee little kitty begrudgingly awaiting their arrival back home… panties drop and a marriage license gets magically filled out.

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Conclusion

Reality Tv is not all trash. Watching people fall in love is entertaining. As is watching people fall out of it.

I would’ve never thought I’d learn valuable insights about love and relationships from engaging in these shows, but here I am. Who knew Married at First Sight could hold just as much educational value as The Amazing Race.

I will keep watching these reality TV shows for my continued education and betterment of my relationships.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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