“Ellie, I just don’t get it. You deserve so much more than this. Why do you stay with him?” I asked my friend.
“You know, Margaret, it’s not as simple as it seems,” she told me.
We were in our favorite coffee shop and were, once again, discussing her tumultuous relationship with her abusive boyfriend. It seemed to me like she was trying to find the right words to explain what seemed inexplicable to me, all her friends, and even to herself.
It was evident that her struggle to untangle herself from this toxic relationship was more complex than any of us on the outside could comprehend.
Really, what is it that makes a person stay with a partner who undervalues and mistreats them? We’ve all had a friend who was in a toxic relationship. Maybe you’re that friend now. And maybe you have been wondering, what invisible threads bind someone to a situation that, to the outside world, appears intolerable.
Well, it’s actually, really, not that simple.
…
Toxic Relationships 101
My mother always used to tell me that before searching for a fitting solution to a problem, I’d need to understand it first.
In this case, you need to understand what do we mean when we refer to a toxic relationship. What exactly makes a relationship toxic?
According to clinical psychologist Tom Cory,
“By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy.”
In a toxic relationship, there’s this destructive dance, a pattern that chips away at your self-worth and replaces it with doubt. You constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Words that should be building bridges become weapons leaving emotional scars. Instead of making you happy, your partner damages your self-esteem and drains your energy.
Tom Cory continues, saying:
“A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control.”
As you can see, in a toxic relationship you feel neither comfortable nor safe. Emotional abuse may take various forms, from constant criticism and manipulation to outright aggression. It might seem impossible that a person would stay in such a relationship, but things are always much more complicated than we think they are.
…
So, Why Do People Remain in Toxic Relationships?
Once you’ve understood the nature of your problem — in our case, being in a toxic relationship — you also need to identify the roots of the problem at hand.
The reasons are as varied and intricate as the relationships themselves.
The first reason that comes to mind is low self-esteem.
Everyone loves to throw around the low self-esteem card when talking about sticking it out in a toxic relationship. Like, “Oh, they must not value themselves enough,” or “It’s just low self-esteem, obviously!”
But hey, reality check — it’s way more complicated than that.
Sure, low self-esteem creates this distorted lens through which you view your worth, convincing you that you deserve no better. This, in turn, makes you set the bar for acceptable behavior unreasonably low. You might normalize mistreatment and convince yourself that it’s the best you can hope for.
It can be the breeding ground for some seriously toxic dynamics. But deciding to stay in a toxic relationship is always a cocktail of factors:
Your Alternatives Suck
Instead of ending your current relationship, you have two alternatives:
- remain single
- find a new relationship
Understandably, you might think that both suck.
The idea of being single goes beyond the fear of loneliness. There’s this unspoken pressure from society that if you’re not coupled up, something must be wrong with you. The fear of becoming that person at the family gathering who gets the pitying glances can be downright intimidating.
On the other hand, the fear of facing a dating scene that seems like a bizarre mix of a reality show and a horror movie can be paralyzing. The devil you know, right? The devil you don’t know, the supposed “better options,” can feel like a risky gamble. It’s like choosing between bad and unknown, and sometimes the former, toxic as it may be, seems like the devil you can handle.
It’s easier to leave a relationship when you find a better, more attractive alternative. The prospect of starting anew becomes significantly more appealing when there’s a shiny, seemingly better option on the horizon. When the alternatives appear equally uninviting, though? It’s easy to stay in this murky territory where the devil you know seems somewhat manageable, at least for the time being.
You Don’t Want to Feel Like A Loser
The more you invest in a relationship, the harder it is to let go.
The history you’ve built. The shared experiences. The emotional investments.
One thought dominates inside your head: “I’ve put so much into this, I can’t just walk away now.”
This behavior actually has a name, and it’s called “the sunk cost fallacy”.
The thing about the sunk cost fallacy is that it tricks you into believing that the longer you endure discomfort, the more likely it is to pay off in the end.
You stick with something that’s not making you happy just because you already spent time or effort on it. The fear of viewing the time spent as a loss, coupled with the hope that things might eventually improve, is a deadly combo.
You’re In a Manipulation Maze
A toxic partner might use different methods of manipulation to force you to stay.
Manipulation in a relationship chips away at your confidence and wraps you up in a web of dependency. It’s often so sneaky that you don’t even realize it’s happening until you’re knee-deep in it.
Manipulators are often masters of mind games, using guilt trips, gaslighting, or even threats to keep you in their grip. They know how to hit you where it hurts, exploiting your insecurities or fears. The fear of what might happen if you try to break free — whether it’s harm to your reputation or something more sinister — can be paralyzing.
And then there’s this other side to the manipulation game. The intermittent kindness, the promises to change, and those fleeting moments of happiness — they create this illusion that things might get better.
This cycle of toxicity leaves you caught between the hope that the relationship will improve and the fear of the repercussions if you attempt to leave.
You’re Afraid of Losing Your Identity
Ever noticed how most people say that “they have no idea of who they are anymore” after a breakup?
Even when you’re in a healthy longtime relationship you adjust your life to your partner’s needs and schedule. You share your passions, your habits, or hobbies.
For example, you know that Friday night means a movie marathon with your partner and Saturday night means going to dinner at that old Italian restaurant. And then you break up and wonder, what will you be doing from now on on Friday and Saturday nights? Will you be alone? Will your friends be available?
When it comes to toxic relationships, boundaries become very blurry. Your personal goals, your passions, and your preferences can get lost in the mix. Suddenly, it’s not “you” anymore; it’s “us,” and not in the cute, romantic way but in the overshadowing, all-consuming way.
As a result, the toxic relationship becomes a comfort zone, as the familiar discomfort feels less daunting than the uncertainty of stepping into the unknown.
…
If life worked like the movies, we would all fall in love with the greatest person alive and set off into the sunset.
But that’s not how life works.
In reality, sometimes, especially when you’re young and naive, you might end up with people who are far from right for you. With people who might manipulate, hurt you, and trap you in an abusive cycle.
There’s no one-size-fits-all manual for navigating relationships, and sometimes it’s easy to get caught in a web without knowing how you got there.
If any of these sound familiar, try to think about what Guy Finley once said:
“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.”
Recognizing that you’re in a toxic relationship can be a painful awakening. But your story doesn’t have to be defined by pain or manipulation. You might feel like there is no way out. But there’s always a way out.
Sure, it might seem obscure, but trust that it exists, and it begins with the courageous choice to let go and start afresh.
Remember, letting go of a toxic relationship is not just an ending; it’s also a beginning.
…
Thank you for reading! For more relationship advice, tips, and stories you can subscribe to my free newsletter.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Oscar Keys on Unsplash
