I was sitting at a bar late one night, sipping Baileys and coffee while writing about the perils of dating when the text came in from my adorable and single friend, Sarah.
“Just had another first date. He was great to talk to, but the attraction just wasn’t there. It’s so frustrating when you want to feel something and you just don’t…”
I had to laugh because I have probably said the same thing about a thousand and one times. In a single day.
If you date as much as I do (and I’m honestly not sure anyone does), you meet LOTS of great men who just don’t do it for you. Nice men. Attractive, successful and kind men who would be a great match for the right girl. Just not for me.
I’ve long given up trying to explain why — most of them just don’t. And I learned long ago the dangers of pursing a relationship with any man that I don’t want to kiss.
“Honey, ya gotta wanna kiss him,” were the wise words of an older, drunk woman at Blondie’s Sportsbar over a decade ago. She was eavesdropping on a similar conversation between a me and girlfriend. And she was spot on. I’m sorry, but if I don’t feel the strong desire to pull you into a dark alley and recreate that rain scene from 9 1/2 Weeks soon after meeting you, you’re doomed.
Not that I’m gonna do that on the first or second date — but I gotta wanna.
It’s been MUCH too long since I’ve felt that unmistakeable desire to touch someone. And Sarah’s not the only one to remind me that I’m not alone.
My friend Eve is a smart, sensual and beautiful physician’s assistant, currently traveling the globe “chasing tango.” She meets tons of men every night at these international milongas. When I asked her about a recent first date in Florence, Italy, her reply was familiar:
“It was fine. Very nice guy. No chemistry. The usual.”
The truth is, I think if people are honest with themselves (and I realize this alone is a challenge for many people), this is how they feel most of the time. The real thing just isn’t that common, which is why it’s so exciting when it does happen.
Each time I’m out with one of you “doomed” nice guys and I come to the sad realization that a love story isn’t in the cards for us, like Sarah and Eve, I am frustrated. But I am also aware of two things:
1. How grateful I am to feel wanted.
2. That I hope in some way to help you feel good about yourself as well.
Because I think that’s why we’re here — to help each other move forward, in any way possible. And since real, lasting love is rare, I believe there is something else to learn from each person I meet. And that there is something I can share with them.
Sometimes it’s as simple as a lesson in what NOT to do on a first date — like tell me how you are completely comfortable killing an animal with your bare hands. Check, please. Or spend the entire date talking about your ex. Don’t they know this is a big no no?
But other times, it’s a much sweeter connection.
“You’re the first woman I’ve been attracted to in a long time, which feels great. And — you helped me get my confidence back.” said Danny, a super nice guy I knew in high school and had a few dates with recently.
Apparently, he had gone through a pretty bad breakup earlier this year, and was very appreciative to have some nice company while I was in town. The time I spent with him was equally invaluable to me. It had been a while since someone had made me feel that wanted and special. I didn’t realize how much I needed it.
“You have been wonderful for my self-esteem,” I sincerely told him. “Thank you.”
When I think about it, the truth is that I am so very grateful to many men like Danny, for so many things. And I want to thank them:
- For reminding me that I’m funny, sexy and attractive, because I easily lose site of that. Often.
- For admiring my passion and desire to make the world a better place.
- For making me feel wanted and desirable.
- For reinstating faith in me that nice guys DO exist.
- For appreciating my company, conversation, and for making me feel beautiful. And smart.
- For making me excited to find love (and great sex) again.
Thank you. All of you.
I was reminded of what a real connection feels like it on a recent British Airways flight home from Paris. Sadly, it wasn’t due to some random Mile High Club adventure. Instead, it was while watching the pre-teen hit movie, “The Fault In Our Stars.”
Don’t laugh.
Maybe I was just overtired, but I cried my way through it. Which completely caught me off-guard, until I realized that it reminded me of what I’ve had in the past, what I’m waiting for and why I’m waiting for it.
The way Gus looks at Hazel when he first meets her in their cancer support group is the way I want to be looked at. It’s the way I HAVE been looked at, and I will not, cannot, settle for less. It’s a beautiful movie, not just about young love and loss, but also about the people we meet, whose lives we touch, and how we help them along their journey.
And as much as I hope to find great love soon, I find that the men that I am meeting along the way are gifts. And wonderful signs that something good this way comes…
So, as usual. She is gratefull that men are there to make her feel good about herself. The standard reply should be that she should stop be so entitled, men owe her nothing. And that if she is so desperate she should get a dog. Strange how this blog that is supposed to be about liberating men still touts the same tradcon ideas about how men only exist to serve women.
Absolutely love this. After a very painful divorce from the man I was sure was “the one”, I’ve recently started dating again and feel as if I could have written this word for word. Thank you for so eloquently stating what so many of us feel. I’ve met several “nice guys” and the chemistry just wasn’t there and I’m frustrated by people trying to make you feel guilty for not pursuing a relationship with someone just because they seem perfect on paper. After all, you gotta wanna kiss them. 🙂
I can’t help but wonder how this story (which feels genuinely sincere and heartfelt to me) would feel if the genders were reversed and everything else remained the same. As a male I’ve had the same experience and have always had a little voice in the back of my own head judging how arrogant/condescending/sexist/mysoginistic/objectifying it all sounds coming from a man. I wish I could pull it off as well as you Susan. Thanks for putting words on it for me.
Evan,
Considering the amount of articles that get published on this site telling us that we need to be content in and love ourself before we try to go out and (meaningfully) date someone else, writing this story with the genders reversed would probably have people attacking you for being overly needy, co-dependent, and utterly unfit for any relationship…
This may be an unwelcome comment on The Good Men Project, but I don’t understand how any woman finds any man (including me) attractive. Women are naturally beautiful. Look at the lines of their bodies, the soft, smoothness of their skin, the flow of their hair. Men (including me) are physically repulsive. I really admire women for putting up with men, for ever wanting to kiss or touch them or be touched by them (including me). It amazes me that I have found wonderful women who wanted to be with me.
Hey there ugly Bob! Here’s the deal. About 5% of the population is same-sex attracted. The other 95% is hetero. That’s why so many women love your disgusting looking genitalia. It’s all about propagating the species.
I did not refer to genitalia but to body types. Except for ancient Greeks and Romans, you don’t find many male nudes in works of art in Western culture while female nudes are found in abundance and in all shapes and sizes. The reason is beauty vs. something else. I recognize this is a heterosexual point of view, but it’s mine and I’m sticking with it.
Bob, as a heterosexual woman, i promise you men are not repulsive. The kindness in a man’s eye, the strength in his capable hands, his shoulder, stomach….the way they smell and move…men are very attractive. I love that men have complelety different bodies from me and that their masculinity brings out more of my feminity. That just doesn’t happen when I am around other women. The feelings are complelety different and wonderful. I think the reason men’s bodies aren’t as much used in art has little to do with men not being beautiful and more to do with socialization in… Read more »
Erin, Thank you for taking my comment (and me) seriously. Since the article to which these comments are appended is about Thanking Men who the author dated (but for different reasons) let me thank the women like you who found me attractive, I hope for the very reasons you mention. BTW, I realized, as I wrote the sentence about nudes of women predominating as the subjects of masters like Peter Paul Rubens, that the reason was – as you said – those painters were men. Women were objects to them, objects as subjects for their painting and sex objects. We… Read more »
Since (as you acknowledge) true love is so rare, you inadvertently make a good case for having a sympatico sex worker as part of your support group.