Transitioning From Dating to Friendship May Be Awkward…

The ideal breakup is when the split is mutual, no one is dramatically hurt and you are able to remain friends with your ex. If we are living in this ideal world then that transition from romantic partners to friendship would be seamless, natural, and no awkward flubs or weird feelings would ever occur.

As you might have noticed, the world we live in is far from ideal and the transition from dating to friendship is like putting together Ikea furniture without instructions.

Imagine receiving this ideal piece of furniture in the mail from Ikea, but when you go to put it together there are no instructions. You sit for a moment, realize nothing is broken and you think that putting it together shouldn’t be too difficult. You’ve put together furniture before. You’re intelligent. No need to send it back… But the task is much more difficult than you perceived. There is a lot of fumbling, confusion, frustrations, and mistakes. The reality is that you could give up on this process at any time, but something in you knows that it will be worthwhile in the end.

This is what it might be like to become friends after a breakup.

When both parties are able to leave a romantic relationship with peace and no significant damage, it is often worthwhile to move forward into friendship. Afterall you have gotten to know each and have become close friends. Why completely lose this person’s place in your life if you don’t have to?

It is so easy to think that this transition will be natural. We fool ourselves into thinking that the feelings will magically disappear and friendship will seem second nature. But it’s not. This process comes with its own share of trials and it is up to the two of you to determine the boundaries (instructions) that are required to make this process smoother. It will still be rocky but there are ways to find peace in the mixed emotions.

1. Stop thinking that the transition will be easy

Now there are probably many people who understand that the transition from a romantic relationship to a friendship is not all fun and games, but in general, when we are in the midst of it, we try to convince ourselves that this is a natural process… it’s not. Because this transition is not natural it takes intentionality from both parties to make it work. We can’t kid ourselves and pretend like nothing is awkward. Because, there are definitely awkward moments. Embrace the awkward and continue to move forward.

2. Feelings don’t disappear

It’s easy to hope that if a mutual decision to be friends is made the romantic interest will disappear automatically. WRONG. Romantic feelings will dissipate with time but those feelings are ever present in the transition. Don’t ignore them — also don’t act on them. Be aware of your feelings towards the other person. If you ignore the emotions completely, you will either act on them jeopardizing the friendship, or they will grow and become an unhealthy obsession. Address where you are, what you want, and be honest with yourself in order to choose a healthy path.

It’s ok to still have feelings. You dated that person for a reason. So give yourself time and a little grace. Don’t be mad if feelings don’t disappear immediately, do your own inner work and keep your heart in check.

3. Set Boundaries and Expectations

Number 3 is a must because of number 2. If you don’t have proper boundaries established, i.e. how much to talk, hangout, etc. then those feelings will take much longer to dissipate and will easily be confused with new intentions of friendship. If over time the friendship once again progresses to something more, that’s fine, but at least you will know it wasn’t because of past feelings alone but of growth found through proper boundaries.

4. Stay in the Present

Lastly, stay in the present moment. Much easier said than done. We as humans like to think of the shoulda, woulda, coulda of any situation. We dwell on the past or the future, but rarely this moment.

It is extra important to view this new friendship in the present. That means foregoing all of the thoughts of “We could have done this, or been that, or worked something differently…”

It also means not expecting a new relationship to blossom out of the friendship. Sure, the two of you might reignite a romantic relationship in the future, it is not unheard of — but if that is the intention behind your desire to remain friends you are in dangerous territory.

Value the friendship for what it is in the moment. Seek to be the best friend you can be each day. Sometimes in the transition phase that means less interactions and even less “friendly” gestures… or it might mean more conversing. Listen. It is important to remain mindful of the state of your own heart and the needs of the other party.

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In closing, this transition from romantic partners to friends will have moments of awkward. Embrace the weird. If the friendship is worth it, the little flubs and the lingering feelings will be worth it as well.

Remember the situation isn’t two sided and most likely your new friend is feeling similarly to you. So, help each other out by striving to be mindful of your emotions, caring for the other, and respecting the new boundaries established. And as always keep communication open (especially at the beginning of the transition).

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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