What happens when you’re raped by a friend when you’re 15? Do you do the same?
The author of this piece asked that it be kept as anonymous.
Rape is a very powerful, if not contentious, word. I’ve studied it extensively and have seen radical arguments that all penetrative sex is rape, which I think is problematic at best, all the way to the other extreme of arguing that only violent sexual assault should be considered rape. I suppose I was so interested because I was raped in high school, by a girl I could have easily physically resisted. I don’t take the labeling of a sex act as rape lightly. It’s taken me over 15 years and loads of research to finally accept the conclusion that although I could have removed myself by force, I didn’t want to have sex with her and she knew that full well. No means no, after all.
The circumstances were emotionally complex, but I can relive the event like it just happened. It was seared into my long term memory with great detail, as I’m sure the part of my brain that protects me from repeating past mistakes had gone into overdrive. She was beautiful, and in fact I would have loved to have consensual sex with her had the circumstances been any better. However… let’s call her… Beth had fallen in with “the bad crowd,” and I was yet to fully recover from my religious upbringing. I was probably the longest surviving virgin of my high school class, and much of that had to do with waiting for marriage. Beth was a bonafide party girl. When she was sober we had a great time together, I even thought I might love her, but the sobriety was coming less often, and calling her house to notify her parents that she was dumped on my doorstep again and that I’d have her home in the morning became routine.
One night I got fairly serious about sobering her up when she attempted to sex with me. I told her I didn’t want to and she was too messed up to put up a fight so nothing happened. What is now ironic to me is that in the morning, after coffee, toast, and a shower, she was more determined. She came out of the shower very seductively and looked at me as though I were the only man alive. My heart was pounding so furious my entire head was pulsating, and when the towel came off I felt despair, clear as anything. My natural attraction to her was already very high, and to have her throwing herself at me was nearly irresistible, but I still told her directly that I did not want to have sex with her. I’m not the casual screw kind of guy, in all my adult years that has never changed. She knew that I did not want to have sex unless we were dating and exclusive, she knew this as she continued to seduce me beyond my protest that she stop.
I’ll spare you the gory details, but it was the worst sexual experience I could have ever imagined. It was intensely painful, emotionally, even though physically I was clearly accommodating, but I only allowed it because I was afraid that if I didn’t give her what she wanted I would lose here all together. I couldn’t fathom her doing well in her current lifestyle without a safe crash pad, and her friends knew that dropping her at her parents would result in police intervention. And that it was I was thinking about as she raped me. I even made direct eye contact with her to solidify the look disdain and hurt on my face, but she continued unwavering. I still can’t believe it, that a friend of mine could look me in the face while violating me.
To add insult to injury, when it finally ended and we were lying next to each other with our cliche post-coital cigarettes lit, a lightning bolt went off in my brain, and I turned to her said, “That wasn’t my first time, you know.” She was silent for minutes. Now that I understood what had just happened, I asked her if that took the fun out of it, she nodded yes and looked away. What she wanted was my virginity, but I had already volunteered it to someone that really loved me. I don’t know why, but I never told Beth what she had done to me. We drifted apart and hardly speak but for now and then. I still regard her as a friend, and though I’ve forgiven, I’ve never forgotten, but there’s more.
In my family violence class, I learned that an abuser is typically someone who was once abused. I’m loath to admit, after Beth raped me I turned around and repeated the action—marching right past the protest of an ex-girlfriend into full rape territory. And no, “violence” wasn’t used in that situation either, but I already knew first-hand the emotional violence of it. I’m deeply ashamed of this and have since reconciled with this person, but putting it out of my mind just isn’t possible. It’s as though my conscience is forcing me to remember that moment so that I never cross that threshold again. To know the feeling of hurting someone on purpose, someone totally undeserving of that hurt, is a terrible, regretful ordeal.
—Photo MSVG/Flickr
The definition of rape needs to be changed. This guy was raped and he did rape someone else. Physical violence is NOT as damaging as emotional violence. As has been stated and proven millions of times, most people are victimized by people they love and trust. The abusers are exploiting that trust and using it to they’re advantage. They know what they are doing is WRONG, if they truly loved their victims they would’ve respected their boundaries and not violated them. The definition of forcible rape is wrong and needs to be changed, NO means NO, for both genders. Emotional… Read more »
this is bullshit. julie needs to get raped, and the author could use another one as well. i’m with mens and copyleft; it wasn’t rape. you were a pussy and couldn’t say no, simple as that. if you really didn’t want it, you could have gotten up or rolled over. the fact that you lied about the age speaks volumes. what else will you be changing up from your original story? i feel no pity for you, saving yourself for marriage isn’t easy; but blaming your environment and someone else for your rational instead of going with your gut feeling… Read more »
” …I didn’t feel like “Beth” had taken anything I could get back over time” -should read “couldn’t”.
To The Author: First, kudos for being so incredibly brave as to admit something(s) I’m sure you wish you could forget or change. Man, that is tough. A few people here have called you on on somehow making an excuse for the rape you committed, but I think it’s incredibly important that when we’re trying to heal ourselves, we look at the fabric of our pasts and how that past may have injured our development and ability to make great choices. One could say “I raped a girl, I shouldn’t have done it, I regret it, we’ve made amends” and… Read more »
I just want to clarify that no verbal permission was ever given to my assailant, her continued actions were each time met with clear and verbal objection. When, in the piece, I say that I “allowed” it, I mean that I did not use my superior strength to forcibly remove her. Could you have been a fly on the while for any of the described events you would have witnessed details too graphic for me to publish without the knowledge and permission of those involved, details which would satisfy the question of whether or not rape occurred and the question… Read more »
dude wasn’t raped to my mind.
i can’t help feeling this whole tale is an attempt at self justification for what he says in the last paragraph.
CL, he said no. Twice in fact. And she used his attraction to her, and the messed up circumstances of her life to take what she wanted. Forty percent of rapes against women that make it to trial get not guilty verdicts because it couldn’t be proven beyond reasonable doubt. Many jurors on those trials feel that a rape happened, but the evidence doesn’t meet the legal burden of proof. Many many rapists are friends and family and they use the psychological weapon of spotting the vulnerability of the victim as well as a victims unwillingness to create havoc in… Read more »
Yes, he did say no… which is why what Beth did was wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong.
That doesn’t make it rape, though.
So…if someone doesn’t consent to sex, but stops struggling after awhile when the other doesn’t stop, it’s not rape?
I’m not sure I see in this instance why it really makes a difference what it’s called, if the effect has been the same.
The difference would be that one situation meets the legal definition of a felony and can result in criminal charges, where the other does not. The emotional impact may be similar, but the difference in consequences can be substantial.
So if a woman experienced the same thing, but didn’t struggle after a certain point. Said no, but then stopped fighting, it wouldn’t be rape? Or if a man was threatening a woman, say said he had a knife in his pocket, and they were in a dark room, and told her to lay down be quiet and take it and she did (didn’t physically fight back) that wouldn’t be rape? Are there particular statutes you could cite that prove that? I’m curious, because I think when someone has sex with you against your will, that’s considered rape, but if… Read more »
It’s an issue because if you’re actually raped, you can file charges and have the rapist punished.
I think that there are cases that are filed where the victim didn’t use force back, but it was considered rape. There must be and I shall look for them. God knows Law And Order SVU use examples like that “Sweetheart Rapists” that don’t injure the victim at all, but terrorize them, all the time. Or do you think that it shouldn’t be considered rape unless the rapee goes fighting until they are beaten down. Be clear Copyleft, State your actual belief. In the examples I used above, where a woman is attacked but does not fight to the point… Read more »
“Do you believe men can’t be raped by women?” No, I don’t. But the most widespread and common definition of rape across most U.S. states is that rape involves force or the THREAT of force, neither of which were present here. “Rape and/or sexual assault is forced, manipulated, or coerced sexual contact by a stranger, friend or acquaintance. A person may be forced into sexual contact through verbal coercion, threats, physical restraint, and/or physical violence. Consent is not given.” Picture this scenario: Casey: “Let’s have sex.” Chris: “No.” Casey: “Aww, c’mon… please?” Chris: “Well… okay.” ———————– Next morning: “Raaaaaaapppeee!” Some… Read more »
I’m not sure where you got that definition. It’s a good one except that it leaves out spousal rape, which is now (finally) recoqnized as well. I would say that the author of this article was manipulated and coerced into an unwanted sexual contact. If you consider it rape only if the victim can prove it in court, where does that leave the victims who don’t have a physical bruise but are not less emotionally distressed? I think this article is an opportunity to discuss the ways in which manipulation and coercion have become normalized in our sexuals scripts. I… Read more »
“If you consider it rape only if the victim can prove it in court, where does that leave the victims who don’t have a physical bruise but are not less emotionally distressed?” I doubt he’ll answer this. Lots of victims haven’t been able to prove it in court, which certainly doesn’t mean they weren’t assaulted. Half of all rapes go unreported for this reason. But hey, good news for the rapist, er, I mean guy who slept with women who didn’t put up a fuss. ” I think this article is an opportunity to discuss the ways in which manipulation… Read more »
Where does this leave those who are abused or assaulted and can’t prove it in court? It leaves them in the same circumstance as any other person who’s suffered an emotional trauma that offers no legal recourse, such as when a close friend dies in a car wreck. What’s your point? “Rape” has a very specific meaning; it refers to a felony, not just “any kind of sexual encounter you don’t feel good about.” The level of emotional trauma does not promote a poor encounter to rape; there are specific requirements. I’m not the one throwing the word “rape” around… Read more »
Such a terrible thing to experience.
I do wonder if continuing the cycle like that is a matter of simply not caring about the other person’s boundaries in response their own boundaries being violated (as if thinking despite being told no its really for them to continue), or maybe an attempt at trying to reclaim a power and control that was taken whey raped themselves., etc….
Thank you for sharing this. This sounds remarkably similar to an experience I had with someone: an old friend who was in love with me and didn’t like that I was seeing someone she knew; one late, emotionally draining night we started making out; I asked to stop, and she began sobbing and raking her fingernails over her legs, only stopping when I agreed to have sex with her. It didn’t feel like rape, and I still don’t feel comfortable calling it that–although, in an interesting twist, because she had been drinking and I hadn’t, and because I WAS a… Read more »
Shawn, that’s a terrible situation. I’m betting they happen more frequently than anyone realizes. More and more I’m coming to the belief that while people do often work so hard to be good and compassionate and ethical and all that, there are folks out there with real problems and none of us, men and women are immune to acts of dominance and manipulation. She sounds like she might have had a personality disorder of some kind, unstable anyway. It surely doesn’t sound like you assaulted her, but that you were a confused kid in a very dramatic and overwhelming situation.… Read more »
Jesus 🙁 What a way to have your first time.
(Stepping carefully around the obvious trap being laid by this article…)
I’m sorry you had such an awful relationship with an emotionally screwed-up and abusive woman, Author. I hope you’ve recovered from the experience.
What’s the obvious trap, Copyleft?
What I see is an article about how people can get into very toxic situations, in either direction.
Pointing out that the author was not, in fact, raped.
So the trap is that people will say he wasn’t raped but he did rape the other girl?
How is it he wasn’t raped?
Or, well, assaulted and traumatized?
Is this a semantics issue for you CL or do you believe that women can assault men?
He _was_ assaulted and traumatized. What Beth did was atrocious and despicable.
However, it was not rape.
Why? Why wasn’t it rape? I’m not being snarky, nor angry. I’m trying to determine how you frame rape vs. assault? Because he had an erection? Or something else?
From his own account, Author was not raped. Author says he could have physically resisted her, but he did not. Did she overpower him or force herself onto him? Did she lock him up, tie him down, or physically try to restrain him? Was he in fear for his life or safety? Did she make any threats? Was he drugged or unconcious? Did he try to escape, or even call for help? Nope. Beth kept pressuring him to have sex even after he said no, and that was definitely a wrongful act. But in the end, he relented. He relented… Read more »
Do you believe rape is only rape if there is abject physical force? What if a skinny little man breaks into a womans apartment, wakes her up, and tells her he’ll kill her but there is no proof of a weapon. She says no but she doesn’t resist out of fear or shock or whatever. Is that rape? What if she wakes to find a silent man in her room. No light, no way to tell if she could or should resist. She just holds still. Is that rape? Whatever happened to him? Was terrible. And if legalities and semantics… Read more »
In my own definition and experience of rape, it does not have to be forceful to count. It’s much more difficult to prosecute and prove, but an unwanted or coerced sexual experience is rape. The author seems to be aware that his ex-girlfriend did not willingly consent to the sex he had with her and he recognizes that as rape. I think he’s right to acknowledge his own experience in the same way. Giving in to the pressure of an unwanted sexual advance is not consent. Would you argue that the woman describe in this video wasn’t raped because she… Read more »
Words have different meanings for different people. For the author and yourself it has a more expansive definition than it does for copyleft. But to look at the etymology of it, rape comes from the latin “rapio” meaning to abduct (I could be wrong about this but I think its also cognate with “raptor” as in a bird of prey). Its a pretty violent word, implying taking someone hostage, which later aquired an extended meaning of sexual assault. Personally I’d like to do away with the term. Its not helpful to draw a line between one victim’s experience and another,… Read more »
Although nothing was ever forced into me I consider my molestation to be rape. I was young and was so afraid and ashamed to resist. Rape is not limited to a dictionary’s definition.
It was great that you shared this. I think it is something that happens a lot, but because the violence done is so vague, and is buried beneath history, existing affection and maybe even love, it is hard to talk about or even justify as a form of violation. Great that you took the time to treat this topic in a thoughtful way, both as aggressed and aggressor.
Please delete my comment. It was unfinished, just pressed submit too soon.