Shame and guilt often get thrown together and I think it’s important to separate them. One is much more damaging than the other.
I’m not one to harp on “semantics” but when it comes to different types of emotions, I think it’s important to know just what we’re talking about. This is particularly true with the idea of shame and the family of emotions it belongs to.
Similar Feelings with Different Qualities
In this grouping, I’d put shame, guilt, embarrassment—maybe even worry or anxiety every once in a while. There’s a different quality in each of these. Embarrassment may be due to an awkward moment like someone walking in on you while you’re going to the bathroom (people, please knock!) or tripping while walking down the street. You didn’t do anything wrong per se, but some unwanted attention was drawn to you and your face got all red. Uncomfortable, yes. Hopefully, though, you can live it down and it passes.
I separate embarrassment from guilt and shame for this reason. You didn’t actually do something “wrong” or unacceptable, but something got exposed that you’d rather have kept hidden.
Guilt & shame (although sometimes we feel both for an action not in our control, but that’s another post) are the two I want to focus on because they get mixed up a lot and how we think of each has a lot to do with self-worth and self-esteem.
The “Goodness” of Guilt
Guilt gets a bad reputation and can be overwhelming. It’s underlying a lot of neuroses and is crippling at times. I’m not so down on guilt. I think it can be a good thing as, if not too rigidly built into us, it can inform us when we’re going down the wrong path or have crossed a line.
It works as part of our conscience. It lets us know when we should NOT have said or done that thing. It’s healthy to feel guilty when you screw up. It can spur you on to make amends and plan to do something different the next time.
Frankly, I’d be much more worried about someone who never feels guilt. None of us are perfect and we benefit from having an antenna up regarding how we affect other people.
Guilt is a negative feeling response to our words or actions.
What Makes Shame Different
Shame goes in a different direction. While guilt spurs us on to make changes, shame turns us inward. When we feel shame, we begin to believe that we are irredeemably bad. This often leads us to isolate our self from the world because we feel we are not worthy of love or respect, or it gets turned into anger and we spill that onto the world in an aggressive, sometimes violent, way.
Over time, we’ve learned to not tell a child, no matter how frustrated we are by what they’ve done: “You’re a bad boy!” or “You are a stupid girl!”
We have learned, as parents, teachers, and anyone who spends time with kids to be more specific: “When you hit Joe with that ball that was NOT okay.” “Speaking to Joe in that way is not kind.”
This doesn’t make either kid feel “good” but it gives them the message that they are good, but their action was not. That’s instilling some healthy guilt.
You don’t want Joe to get hit or spoken to meanly, so you’ll teach the message that it’s unacceptable. Not: You’re such a horrible person that you would dare do such a horrible thing.
It makes a difference because this sense of shame stays with a lot of us as we grow older. It comes up in intimate relationships, it comes up when we are looking for a job or a promotion, it’s there whenever we are asked to believe in ourselves. It’s there whenever we are questioning our worth or feeling like an “imposter”.
In counseling, we will often dive deep into these messages that were internalized when we were younger and undo them. It’s not easy, but it is possible, especially when we see how deeply shame limits us.
It’s so freeing to learn to trust your guilt to keep you on the right path and say goodbye to the shame that keeps you off the path entirely.
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