What’s makes (some) men want to be violent? And what can other men do about it?
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Perhaps we need to start by asking ourselves, when we hear of an abuse case, “why would any man actually do that?” and reflect on what is needed to better understand the roots of the frustration, anger, and fear that is at the base of violent and abusive male behavior.
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As a man, I find it hard not to feel angry, as well as ashamed and depressed, when I read about one of the sex-abuse cases which often seem to be in the news these days. I worry whether they are not the acts of isolated and disturbed individuals, but are in fact extreme examples of how underlying attitudes of disdain towards ‘the feminine’ in our culture, qualities which are most obviously embodied in women and children, are expressed in these men’s violence or abuse.
This attitude is reflected in the predominant male role models in much mainstream media (including in most porn) which represents men, and women in limited and stereotypical ways. We see men as emotionally illiterate control freaks, who are prone to violence as their sole means of resolving conflict. We see women as existing primarily to satisfy men’s needs and fantasies, sexual and otherwise.
Happily there are increasing exceptions to this stereotyping, as more writers show the broader realities of what it can mean to be a man. i.e. that we are capable and desirous of tenderness and empathy, as well as strength and control. They show that societal conditioning might steer us toward alienating and damaging attitudes in our relationships and sexuality, rather than any innate male predilection for indifference and aggression.
Some women choose to harm their partners or children, but statistically speaking it’s predominantly a male problem, so the biggest impact on reducing violence will be for more men to address the issue. Perhaps we need to start by asking ourselves, when we hear of an abuse case, “why would any man actually do that?” and reflect on what is needed to better understand the roots of the frustration, anger, and fear that is at the base of violent and abusive male behavior.
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This same psychologist’s view was that the prison system, as it existed, not only failed to encourage reform among prisoners, but in fact perpetuated and deepened the feelings of shame which led them to violent acts in the first place.
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A respected psychologist (1) who spent years working in American maximum security prisons with some of the most violent men on the planet, identified ‘shame’ as a factor that was common to all of them. Shame is a feeling so powerful and intolerable it motivated them to commit terrible acts of violence in an attempt to relieve it. The shame in many of their lives began when they were young children with the experience abuse at a formative age that engrained a deep sense of mistrust and inadequacy in them. In later life, this feeling was compounded by the attitudes they encountered in school and a whole range of institutions which culminates in the prison system itself, where trading insults is a foundation of the interactions between guards and inmates.
As an experiment, a psychologist persuaded one prison to insist that, for a period of time, guards addressed prisoners by their names in as respectful a way as they could. The result during a one year period was the level of homicides in that prison dropped from 10 per month to zero. This clearly demonstrates a direct link between the low self esteem of prisoners, or their perceived lack of respect from others, and violent behavior.
This same psychologist’s view was that the prison system, as it existed, not only failed to encourage reform among prisoners, but in fact perpetuated and deepened the feelings of shame which led them to violent acts in the first place. He believed the powers that be were willing to tolerate this contradiction between the ostensible and the actual effect of the prison system, because maintaining a culture of violence and fear at the lower levels of society was an effective indirect means of controlling those at the bottom of the social ladder, and a distraction from where their real fight should have been—with the rich and powerful who created the kind of unequal society in which people at the bottom had a high likelihood of ending up in the prison system.
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Shame is also a feature in the lives of an increasing number of men who have lost their jobs, and with it a sense of their value and identity. The syndrome of rising alcoholism and domestic violence in communities where there is high unemployment is well known in many indigenous communities in North America, where First Nations people feel robbed of their freedom and their identity, and resort to anger, and to numbing themselves with drugs such as alcohol as a way of coping.
Male shame can also exist in men who seem relatively privileged, depending on their feelings of entitlement, as evidenced recently by the young man in California who was compelled by some inner demons to murder young women who he felt had rejected him. It’s hard to imagine or understand what kind of threadbare identity or deep insecurity could have caused him to cause so much pain to others before ending his own existence.
Of course, not all men are violent. But “nice guys” have a responsibility to try to change, or at least contain, the behavior of our more troubled brothers.
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Perhaps a certain level of innate male violence and aggression was necessary for our survival in the early days of our species when we were weak and hairless beings pitted against a harsh and hungry world. A time when only those of our ancestors who had sufficient cunning and ruthlessness survived. In an evolutionary timescale, this was all very recent, but our violence and aggression are no longer necessary. In fact, they are taking us straight towards the cliff edge of extinction. Either because of environmental collapse, or because we devise and use some technology of warfare that will wipe us all out.
Of course, not all men are violent. But “nice guys” have a responsibility to try to change, or at least contain, the behavior of our more troubled brothers. I think our biggest challenge, as evolving men in the coming decades, is to identify and demonstrate some kind of balance between our innate aggression and our more ‘feminine’ side, so we can fulfill our potential for expressing a grounded and compassionate masculinity in all our relationships (including with ‘Mother Earth’) before it’s too late.
Looking at the attitudes and behavior of my teenaged son and his peers, I feel strong reasons for some optimism on this score.
1.James Gilligan (1996): ‘Violence; our deadly epidemic and it’s cause’, G.P.Putnam’s Sons
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Photo: Getty Images
To better understand violence and hate one needs to appreciate that, at its core, it is not a phenomenon or trait of gender that thus merits the assignment of gendered culpability & collective commonality. The CTV new correspondent in Washington, Tom Walters, recently gave a very poignant insight on the nature of hate in the wake of the Florida shooting. I’d like to quote part of what he said: “Colour, religion, sexual orientation: These are mere fragments of a human being, not the summation of who a person is, or the basis to judge what a life is worth. Consigning people to… Read more »
GOOD MEN!!!
Four MALE college students from North Carolina State University developed a nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs that were put in her drink. She can swirl her finger in a drink and if her drink was tampered with she will know within seconds
Shush, Tom. That kind of talk is verboten. There is no place to blame guys!
“evidenced recently by the young man in California who was compelled by some inner demons to murder young women who he felt had rejected him.”
Most of his victims were men. Do not erase them because it’s inconvenient to your narrative.
No, good men don’t have a responsibility to do anything about bad men. Contrast the way we talk about men vs how it is considered acceptable to talk about black people or Muslims. Until it is considered acceptable to foist group responsibility on those groups for the actions of a few bad apples, there is no reason why men sould accept the same being directed at them.
I totally hear you. It’s a dangerous fallacy that you can’t be a good man if you’re not killing yourself trying to reform other men. I have a job to do. Hundreds of co-workers, and thousands of customers who rely on me to be there to solve any technical problem, day or night. I have a family, and responsibility to them. Dirty jobs to do because I’ve accepted those responsibilities, and I’m a man of my word. I have other social issues that I’m informed about, volunteer to help with, donate to, and do what I can, because they fit… Read more »
I totally hear you. It’s a dangerous fallacy that you can’t be a good man if you’re not killing yourself trying to reform other men. I think it’s good for as many people as possible to get involved with stuff like this, but making resolving this issue a gendered process is a bad idea. Remedy it because it’s the right thing to do, not because nice guys need to stop the bad guys. Part of the reason I switch off whenever “toxic masculinity” is wheeled out is because we simply do not talk about women in this way. It doesn’t… Read more »
“Male shame can also exist in men who seem relatively privileged, depending on their feelings of entitlement, as evidenced recently by the young man in California who was compelled by some inner demons to murder young women who he felt had rejected him.” I would think that you would see this guy as having mental issues which has little to nothing to do with “privilege or entitlement.” “Some women choose to harm their partners or children, but statistically speaking it’s predominantly a male problem, so the biggest impact on reducing violence will be for more men to address the issue”… Read more »
Likewise, Tom. I’ve read 500 studies and surveys, published over 30 years that all conclude that a woman is not as likely, but more likely to strike her SO (or has) then the reverse. Much of this stems from our perception of female on male violence. Follow any sitcom and it will not be long before we witness it, to laughter. We encourage it one way, deplore it the other way, but that is not the problem. The problem is, as you state, our continued denial not only of the truth, but the revisionism by those so unaware, so misinformed… Read more »