Rediscovering one’s genuine voice, instincts, beliefs, desires, needs, and feelings is a necessary step in the healing process from emotional abuse in love relationships.
It’s a journey of learning who you really are again, not who your abuser made you out to be.
Don’t punish yourself if you were in an abusive relationship and suffered abuse for some time while you were healing from emotional abuse.
In your relationship, you’ve already been verbally and probably emotionally abused.
Although abuse can happen to anybody, most victims have experienced some form of abuse throughout their childhood.
As a result, the terrible treatment and mental turmoil seem familiar, and the standard warning signs do not sound.
Deep within the mind of a harasser
Recovering from emotional abuse requires a thorough understanding of the abuser’s psychology.
It is crucial to understand that abusers frequently put on a front of generosity and friendliness, and they can occasionally be incredibly charming, kind, and loving.
They usually seem the kindest during the first few months of a relationship, or they become remorseful and loving again after a period of abuse.
Recognize that the abuser is doing this on purpose. Abusers put on a front to seem lovely on the outside and are skilled manipulators.
After all, if an abusive person consistently behaved abusively, they would never be able to thrive in the real world.
Understand that abuse is always committed in secret, out of sight, and with the best of intentions. Abusers are skilled at what they do and well aware of the societal mores they have to uphold in order to hide their true selves.
The victim may experience extreme confusion, as if the abusive individual has two personalities, or, in other words, is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The abuser is not a nice person with a wrong side. They are a single individual.
It’s also critical to understand that abuse, in its many manifestations, is always about dominating and controlling the victim. Love is never a factor in abuse. It’s not affection.
Thus, realize that even if you might have fallen deeply in love with an abuser, all they offered you was a façade of affection. Abusers cannot love.
To make up for their ingrained fears, all they know how to do is manipulate and use power and control. Abusers are deeply damaged individuals who harbor deep internal insecurities.
You can reclaim control of your life by rebuilding and empowering yourself now that you know that abuse is not love but rather a matter of power and control and that the abuser is a volatile and troubled individual.
Healing from Emotional Abuse
1. Abuse is cyclical; don’t try to get an apology; it’s untrue.
The abuser typically rejects any claims of abuse or disdain and disregards the victim’s needs, wants, and feelings.
In every kind of conflict, the abuser will counterattack, and when challenged, they usually resort to verbal abuse.
In a tactic known as blame shifting, they will turn the tables on you and pretend that you were at fault or that you deserved it as a result of something you did or possessed. Or they’ll find a way to justify their actions.
Never, ever give in to this kind of manipulation, and never, ever think that you are to blame for their misbehavior or that you or someone else is to blame for it. The abuser bears full responsibility for their actions and how they treat you.
The abuser will never sincerely accept responsibility for their actions, nor will they ever show remorse or acknowledge your sorrow over what they have done to you.
Thus, don’t even attempt to get an apology. It’s like trying to draw blood from a rock to convince an abuser to acknowledge their errors and apologize!
If they do apologize, it’s only to manipulate you. For a while, the abuser may seem to be acting appropriately, but the abusive conduct will eventually return.
Abuse has a circular pattern and inevitably occurs again. Furthermore, abuse tends to get worse over time.
2. Cut off all communication with the abuser.
Establish a NO CONTACT policy with your abuser once you’ve broken up. Refrain from answering their calls, emails, presents, or tears of apology — regardless of how difficult it may be or how much you might miss them.
Never turn around. Deciding to go is a critical first step on the road to recovery. ANY involvement will impede your advancement.
It’s advisable to stop communicating with them when the relationship is over. All you’ll receive in return if you try to confront them is more abuse or deceit to get you back.
After the victim departs, abuse frequently gets worse. Alternatively, the abuser may break down in tears and express their love and miss you while making assurances that they will never hurt you again.
NEVER contribute to this. Don’t even read the emails or messages; delete them all. The most significant and healthiest policy for yourself emotionally is to have NO CONTACT and NO ENGAGEMENT.
3. Give voice back to your emotions and validate them.
You may experience emotional abuse and feel unbalanced, off-kilter, and begin to doubt reality.
Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash
This is a result of the abuser’s deceptive methods, which include confusing, manipulating, and making you question reality. Recognize the validity of your reality.
Validating one’s own experience, feelings, and thoughts inside the relationship is a crucial part of reclaiming oneself, regaining control, and empowering oneself.
Thus, give yourself credit for realizing that what you were through was nothing like what your abuser depicted or painted for you.
This is a step toward taking back your voice, senses, and emotions. Stick to what you are sure of. Have faith in yourself and your intuition.
4. Recognize your worth; it goes much beyond that.
It is imperative that you comprehend completely that you are deserving of much better.
You should always be treated with love and care, and your needs should be addressed. You also deserve to have your feelings acknowledged and valued. All these elements and more are necessary for a good partnership.
Although arguments are inevitable in a healthy relationship, respect is required regardless of the outcome of the argument.
5. Own up to your rage and let it out.
Understandably, you could feel consumed by hatred and anger for a while. Release your rage. Write down your emotions and speak with your closest loved ones and friends.
Exercise can help you let it out. Eventually, these emotions will pass, but in the meantime, you must face and process your anger.
Again, don’t punish yourself; you might even feel furious with yourself and guilty or ashamed for allowing yourself to be mistreated.
For emotional abuse victims to recover and heal, self-compassion and self-forgiveness are crucial. In order to make significant changes within yourself, it’s also essential to grow and learn from the experience.
6. Boost your sense of value
In addition to healing from emotional abuse, you must reestablish your feeling of value. Self-worth is exclusively internal.
We can feel good about ourselves without the approval of others. Being loved by a partner is not necessary for us to feel good about ourselves.
Therefore, I advise working on this with a therapist, possibly in an abuse support group, and by reading articles on how to develop self-worth if your feelings of self-worth are low or nonexistent.
Having said that, congratulate yourself on a job well done — leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is the first step toward regaining your sense of worth!
You’ve demonstrated that you respect yourself too much to continue putting up with the mistreatment!
Recognize that the love and deservingness of love you are attempting to get from an abuser is probably the love you were never shown by a parent when you were a youngster.
We usually replicate connections and habits from our early interactions. If you need further assistance, working through this with a therapist can be the best option.
7. Practice self-love
It’s also an excellent opportunity to practice loving who you are. A victim of emotional abuse loses self-worth. Be kind to yourself for the experiences you had. Treat yourself with kindness.
All of the inner attributes that make you unusual and unique should be embraced and loved. If necessary, read them aloud multiple times a day and put them in writing.
Anything negative that your abusive partner has accused you of should be discounted and replaced with the positive aspects of who you are. It’s time to reclaim your sense of value in yourself.
8. Learn about abusive partnerships.
Learning about the warning signals to look out for the next time around and the symptoms of emotional and/or verbal abuse in relationships is also beneficial and healing.
Pay attention to the warning indicators, or red flags, to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.
It’s possible that you put on “love blinders” and ignored some of the symptoms. When disrespect has been experienced in other early, formative relationships, it is simple to do. It is also simple to carry out when everything seems fantastic at first.
Once more, remember not to punish yourself for ignoring the abuse or the warning signs; instead, take lessons from your failures and the experience. Consider the moment when they first showed you disrespect.
Or what was the first warning sign that something dangerous was about to happen? It is at that point that you should consider leaving. You’ll be more aware the next time.
9. Look for expert assistance
If you have been the victim of persistent or severe emotional and/or verbal abuse, I strongly advise you to consult with a therapist. Deep despair, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mental health issues can result from such situations.
In addition to potential medicine to address your symptoms, engaging with a therapist will be very helpful if this is the case for you.
10. Recognize that happiness awaits you across the other side.
You will recuperate, and you will heal from this. You CAN be happy again, but it may take time to understand and work through your feelings.
These may be counter to the ongoing sensations of love or longing that your abuser is expressing.
Once the abuser is gone from your life, you CAN become entire again. Recall that the person you fell in love with is not the real one.
You will be much more robust, more empowered, and prepared for a healthier relationship if you work on your self-worth, self-love, and self-forgiveness while healing from emotional abuse. This is critical to the process of recovery and healing.
Thus, here are some pointers for getting over emotional abuse. Cheers to you, your well-being, and a fulfilling life!
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As always, thank you for reading!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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