Reading about yet another example of male violence – often, but by no mean always, towards women – always makes my heart sink. I include sexual abuse in this, because to me that is aggression expressed in a sexual way, especially when it’s towards children or other vulnerable people.
Although statistics tell us that one in three women will be a victim of male gender violence or sexual abuse during their lifetime – which gives a sense of the scale of the problem and the urgent need to do something about it – the individuals who act like this are not representative of masculinity or the male population. What bewilders me is that there isn’t more investment into research to find out why violent men behave the way they do – including asking them, because as perpetrators they should have at least some answers – leading to an effective programme of information and support which could bring about an end to this male ‘dis-ease‘, by understanding and addressing some of the causes.
Explaining is not excusing; we can be completely clear in condemning violent behaviour at the same time as doing everything we can to try to prevent it. But that requires knowing more about what lies behind it; what unmet needs motivate any human being to harm another, where do those needs come from and how can they be changed or met in ways that don’t cause harm? It’s only by finding out about the causes of violent behaviour that we can figure out how to help men who are at risk of causing harm – to the benefit of them and everyone with whom they come into contact
Men are not innately or essentially violent. It’s either a behaviour that’s been learned at an early age, or a response to some sort of trauma – or a third option that they are psychopaths or have some other kind of neurological problem. In any case, punishment, and the threat of punishment, is obviously not a sufficient deterrent. Responding to violent men’s behaviour only with anger and revulsion, or seeking retribution, we are blocking ourselves from creating and delivering the types of interventions that could help these men change how they respond to frustration, fear, anger and other difficult emotions, by explaining where those feelings come from and learn how to manage them.
It’s long overdue for government to put significant resources into understanding and preventing male violence, just as they did with covid and other global diseases. This is the only way that we can hope to reduce the risk to women, and everyone else, of being victims of violence in the future; and for us to avoid the sense of collective male shame that comes from reading more depressing accounts of men behaving in destructive ways.
Meanwhile, I’m doing what I can to bring about change. Last year I completed my training as a facilitator with the Alternatives to Violence Project, which was founded in a U.S. prison back in the eighties, but now has branches in over fifty countries. I help run weekend workshops for men and women, designed to enable them to understand better why they are, or have been, drawn to use violence of any kind (not just physical aggression – we define violence as any behaviour which is intended to case fear or harm) so they can learn to manage their anger, and deal with the frustration or conflict which may have caused it, in a constructive way that brings everyone closer to a positive outcome. There’s a huge need for this work in the UK, which is delivered on- line and with distance learning as well as face-to face. I only hope we can find sufficient funding to begin to meet that need.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Violence usually stems from anger. Anger often stems from something else, like frustration. I was reading a book called “Anger Management for Men” by Aaron Karmin and learned this. Men have to be encouraged to look at how they handle deeper issues like frustration if they want to avoid violence. But we live in a society that, basically, says, “Anger is cool! Anger is right! Don’t back down! Be tough! Stand your ground!” So the big question is how we would get men to even admit that they have a problem when our entire popular culture is saying they have… Read more »