Have you ever wondered why some couples choose an open relationship? Or, are you considering opening up your relationship yourself? Do you want to know what it is like to be able to date more than one person?
There are many different types of open, or Non-Monogamous, relationship styles out there. People choose these types of relationships for a variety of reasons.
For some, it is all about sex and fun, for others it is about a desire for connection.
How do you know if this is something that would be right for you, either now or in the future?
As someone who has been in open relationships for years, hopefully I can shed some light on what it is like to be in an open relationship.
What is an open relationship?
An open relationship is a relationship where one or both partners is allowed to be involved with other partners as well. This type of relationship can look and feel different than a typical two-partner relationship.
Sometimes, people will open their relationships at the start, or after they have been committed for several years. There is no one right time to open your relationship.
However, it is important to be sure that both partners are enthusiastically on board with being open. Otherwise, feelings are bound to get hurt down the line as things develop and new partners are introduced.
In my case, I have always been in open relationships because I identify as pansexual. This isn’t always the case, and bisexual, straight and gay couples can have open relationships as well. I always wanted open relationships, so that I could have partners of different genders.
In other cases, having an open relationship can be helpful if one or both partners likes to have sexual or loving relationships with multiple people, or if one has kinks or fetishes that are different from the other.
This way, if you have a unique set of needs, you can see that all your needs are going to be met, although not always by the same person.
Think of it like this. You really like to play chess and checkers. Your current partner only likes checkers. So, you need to find someone else to play chess with too.
Types of open relationships
There are several types of open relationships, and all of them will play out a little bit different in practice than the other types. In some types of open relationships, the couple will set rules for what is or is not allowed with a new partner.
This could look like a certain amount of time spent with that person, different actions that are or aren’t allowed with the new person, or asking the current partner to meet and approve of the new partner prior to a relationship with them moving forward.
Some common types of open relationships are:
- Swingers
- Polyamory
- Non-Monogamy
Swingers are some of the most commonly known types of open relationships. In this type of open relationship, couples will meet up with other couples, and they will often swap partners for sex. This is usually a casual type of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, where the swapping is mostly about sex.
In Polyamory, it is more about feelings and love than about sex (although usually sex is still a component). This is where one or both partners will date and have loving relationships with more than one person. In this type of relationship, the couple will tend to date separately.
Non-monogamy is any other type of open relationship, although this will tend to be more sex-based too. In a non-monogamous relationship, one or both partners will typically have outside sexual relationships, but the relationship compartment will typically be focused on the primary relationship. Sometimes, both partners will be dating the same 3rd person together.
Trust and communication
The keys to any type of open relationship are trust and open communication. This is important, because you are involving a new person (or people) in your relationship, and you will want to be sure that everyone’s needs are going to be met.
Trust and communication are key to any relationship, but even more so when there are more people involved. You want to make sure that everyone’s needs are being met, and that people are all feeling comfortable with where the relationships are going.
Some couples will have a set of rules when they start the journey with non-monogamy, and this can look different for each couple. Rules can have to do with when partners are allowed to see a new partner, what type of sex acts can be performed, use of condoms, and consent of the other partner, to name a few.
It is important to talk deeply about what each partner wants and needs prior to opening up a relationship, so that people’s feelings won’t end up badly hurt later on.
If you are going to set rules for your relationship, then these rules should be communicated to all partners at all times. Especially, if the rules change at some later point.
In an open relationship, it is extremely important to be honest about what you are feeling, and to take ownership of your feelings.
Pitfalls of open relationships
Since I have been in a couple and dated other couples in the past, I have seen many people who are new to ‘the scene’ get hurt because a couple had different expectations at the start. Maybe one partner wanted the open relationship and the other didn’t, but they went along with it anyway.
That is why I can’t stress enough the importance of making sure that everyone involved gives an enthusiastic consent. I dated a woman for a short time years ago that basically browbeat her husband into opening up, and not only did I have to pull back from that relationship, the couple ended up divorced.
Another problem can be when one partner wants to be polyamorous, and the other wants to be non-monogamous. This happens because one person develops a lot of feelings for their new partners and the other doesn’t want that. They just want it to be about sex.
Is it just about sex, or is it about love too? This is one of the biggest questions I have seen cause problems in other relationships over the years. One partner will fall in love with a new partner, then a whole mess of problems ensue if this wasn’t ‘allowed’ within the primary relationship.
Also, there can be huge amounts of problems if the couple isn’t secure in their relationship before becoming non-monogamous. If they are fighting and using opening up as a way to fix their marriage, I have never seen this work. Bringing in more people when things aren’t working isn’t a good way to fix a relationship.
So before you decide to become non-monogamous make sure:
- everyone’s expectations are on the same page
- you aren’t fighting or having relationship problems
- be clear about if it is about sex, love or both
- make sure all partners know about all rules
If you can satisfy all of these criteria, you are likely to be much more successful having an open relationship that doesn’t lead to multiple break-ups and heart break for a lot of people.
Having kindness and compassion for all people involved is so important, because it ensures that you are treating everyone with respect, if they are your partner or your partner’s partner.
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What questions do you have about open relationships? Let me know in the comments and I can write about it for a future article!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash