What Happens When Women Say They Don’t Need Men?

To understand how any society functions you must understand the relationship between men and women.
~ Angela Davis, Philosopher, Feminist Political Activist, Freedom Fighter

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Last November, I caught an interestingly divisive thread on LinkedIn regarding relationships. Specifically, it centered on the concept of “male disposability” and men’s mental health in a world where traditional gender roles are constantly being challenged.

It has stayed with me as something I’ve wanted to delve into further. It’s a topic I’m curious to engage others in.

The Argument

Ludo Gabriele of Humen Leaders LLC, started the conversation with —

We routinely hear the phrase ‘we don’t need men,’ usually from women. While I understand it is mainly said in the context of financial independence/personal fulfillment, this narrative is ubiquitous.

He then proceeds to outline— at length — how we (and by ‘we’ he’s pointing at women) devalue men. In his estimation, in this collective attitude toward the opposite gender, we are effectively, “killing them.”

Gabriele enlightens his followers with a short list of what he calls “important to understand about men”:

1. The male experience has been historically based on outward service.
2. Men have been socially bribed to hold the role of protector and provider.
3. Men’s sense of inner value is inherently and traditionally sacrificial.
4. Men represent over 90% of occupational injury deaths in the U.S.

According to him, while this concept of male disposability “has always been embedded in the fabric of society, men used to have a social recognition for it.”

He says the above is no longer true, and “this is why when we remove men’s sense of purpose, we kill them.”

Another point Gabriele makes is our lack of appreciation for “good, honest, hardworking men.” His list follows —

~ your janitors
~ your soldiers
~ your educators
~ your firefighters
~ your garbage men
~ your police officers
~ your middle managers
~ your stay-at-home dads
~ your infrastructure workers

Of course — with the exception of the next to last one on the list — all of these can all be jobs held by women!

And yes, I realize that’s not the point. What the founder of Humen Leaders LLC is getting at is this —

These guys do not make a lot of money. They are most often invisible to women and other men. Yet we need them. We need men. Stop telling them that we don’t.

So, before getting to the barrage of comments this post created on LinkedIn, let’s talk a little about some of it.

On Social Recognition

Rather than dissect the four items mentioned above, I chose this one: “Men’s sense of inner value is inherently and traditionally sacrificial.”

The first few thoughts I had were: this is according to whom? What exactly are men sacrificing? Or is it that men are ‘giving up’ more of their lives, their aspirations and goals for the benefit of a societal expectation?

If we think of social recognition only in terms of gender, then couldn’t the same argument be used when discussing women? After all, women are the ones who (a) birth children, (b) are often expected to be mother, caretaker, and career woman, (c) at times sacrifice themselves [in terms of prioritizing the needs of others] for the family and/or personal relationships.

On Sense of Purpose

Realizing the term is highly subjective (depending on such factors like culture/traditions, personal ambition, values, spirituality/religion), it’s important to look at one’s ‘why.’

For example, I never had a burning desire to become a mother. At times in my life — when in a serious relationship — I briefly considered it. Though, for me it was never priority #1. Then after 20-plus years in the corporate sector, I left to pursue writing.

So, my why, my sense of purpose in life has almost always been focused on what would make me happy. These past four years, it has shifted to being more community-engaged, to centering more on the collective [while still doing what I love- writing and organizing cultural events].

Back to the original poster’s argument.

Have we — as a society — created a world wherein men’s raison d’etre is fundamentally changed? Are we erasing them by saying they are no longer “needed”?

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The Conversation

When considering Gabriele’s post — and after reading the comments — I wondered about what’s missing from the conversation. Because if I look at it from my feminist lens (and yes, we all know men can also be feminists!), my immediate reaction is a defensive one.

Why is he attacking me/us?

He can’t possibly be serious with this, doesn’t he know what women have been dealing with for millennia?

Give me a break!!

These were my initial thoughts. Then I got to what a few others on LinkedIn had to share.

Lianne Picot was the first to express an opinion and clarify an important point on differentiating between doing things for versus doing things with us. She called out his gaslighting of women.

Her note on “Men have been extremely violent, particularly toward women, for all of history,” stood out for me. As someone who has both personally witnessed and experienced her exact sentiment, I wholeheartedly agree with the statement.

Another person joined the debate (with a pinch of sarcasm), JaneA Kelley. They wrote —

“What in the holy whataboutism is THIS? Boo hoo, the poor widdle mens!”

Lianne Picot replied about being comfortable with “talking about the need to support men. Just don’t start the post trying to make women look like the perpetrators of their challenging world.”

To which Kelley followed up with —

I also agree we should support men who want [and are trying] to change. Toxic masculinity is very bad for men, too. [Agreed], the person shouldn’t have started their post by blaming women.

One male member on the platform chimed in with his reflections, encouraging us to center less on gender and more on our “human evolution.”

His viewpoint is a reminder that we — as a society — are still in progress of moving toward a higher level of existence.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

I’ve often berated men after hearing their machista (sexist) comments. Growing up in a culture wherein toxic masculinity and this type of behavior is often normalized, I have zero tolerance for it.

The thing is, Ludo Gabriele doesn’t come across as a proponent of the aforementioned mindset. I get the feeling he sincerely means well. When he uses the #masculinity, I want to believe he’s doing so in efforts to raise awareness.

Still, I find myself being partial to several of the things Lianne Picot shared in her follow-up comments (slightly rephrased below).

Masculinity [as] a social norm will take a collective, collaborative approach. However, the power differential is substantial so the onus is on men to hold each other accountable and uplift each other.

Much of today’s masculinity is extremely toxic (e.g., young men rating themselves as ‘alphas’ and betas,’ while being openly misogynist). It’d be helpful if men could uncouple masculinity from being a ‘man,’ and work to redefine it.

The conflation of masculinity and being male is what is causing the problem, not women’s reactions to it.

As someone who grew up the only daughter in the middle of two boys, I’m intimately familiar with the notion of boys (who grow up to be ‘men’) being expected to be protective. This, however shouldn’t translate into the power structure(s) we recognize in our cultures and society.

What do you think about this subject?

Are you already having the conversation? And if so, what viable solutions await us?

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Shout out of gratitude to Lianne Picot and JaneA Kelley as well as Ludo Gabriele for their contributions to this article.

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Jajom for reading.

About me —

A Nuyorican polyglot, spoken word artist, and social justice journalist who identifies with her richly vibrant Indigenous and African ancestries. Traveling to 35 countries has helped shape the guerrera you read before you. Writing and living boldly, unapologetically, my preferred state of being is barefoot.

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Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. Honoring my wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo credit: Julian Myles on Unsplash