What I Was Made For

Image shows a figurine of a young Buddha sitting with his face resting in his right hand, which is propped on his right knee. The young Buddha has closed eyes and a slight smile. His left hand rests at his midsection. The figurine is placed next to a long-leaf houseplant in doors. The background is the daylight muted by the pale green sheer drape panels on the long window.

Were we made to be happy? Just asking.

Academy Award and Grammy Award Winner, singer-songwriter Billie Eilish wrote her song What Was I Made For? for Writer and Director Greta Gerwig’s Barbie (2023). Barbie has grossed over $1 billion worldwide, making Greta Gerwig the first woman director ever to do so. Nothing but mad love and respect for her.

When I listened to her poignant lyrics, I felt that was me at one time. I cried. (You can watch and listen to the music video below in this post.)

In the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, the First Noble Truth tells us there will always be suffering in life. We all know that truth. The Second Noble Truth is the source of suffering. The traumatic abuse during my childhood has been the source of my suffering. When I was eight years old, Dad scared me to my very soul. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I profoundly got that I was a tremendous disappointment to Dad. No, I wasn’t good enough for him. I never would be. I would not be good enough for anyone, especially me. Consequently, I spent much of my adult life proving that I was smart enough, that I was strong enough, that I was good enough to be loved. However, being more of anything would never be enough. That’s the human design.

The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I trained in Aikido with the late Mizukami Sensei for 25 years until he passed away. Sensei was a father to me. He taught me what it is to be a good man and to be of service to others. Sensei said, “Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” Whether the 250-pound man or life strikes, I take a glancing blow for what’s meaningful to me.

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Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei taught me character, to get up whenever I fall, whenever I fail. Sensei generated the space to succeed, fail, and grow from both. For the first time in my life, I was free to be me. What I was made for.

Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me. Ishibashi Sensei is now my Sensei, my Big Brother. Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” When the 250-pound man punches, I wait it out. I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and die with honor. I bring the attack to my center. The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger. I match the attack with my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated.

I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the attack with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker. I apply the technique to myself, not to the attacker. The attacker doesn’t matter. Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. I overcome myself.

I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free me. What I was made for.

I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I enter my fear that I’ll never be good enough, my fear of Dad when I was eight years old. I don’t forgive Dad for his cruelty and unkindness toward Mom, my sister Carol, and me. I forgave Dad for not knowing how to be a father or husband. I forgave him for being imperfectly human. As much as I suffered from Dad, he suffered far worse from his Dad. The sad legacy of abusive fathers. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and to protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love, heal, and forgive me. What I was made for.

In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei teaches me to be quiet inside. My mind and body are afraid when the sword or punch strikes to my head. I’m quiet inside. I wait it out. I enter the attack and take a glancing blow if I have to. I do what’s meaningful to me. What I was made for.

In the attack, amidst the unkindness, I’m quiet inside. I choose to let the attack pass or end the attack. I choose to give kindness or not. The attacker chooses to accept my kindness or not. We both choose. In the quiet inside me, I’m happy in the danger, in the unhappiness. I practice quiet inside over, and over, and over, and over again. What I was made for.

In human design, maybe we’re all made to be happy. We each find our individual paths to end suffering. We create the quiet inside us. We can be happy inside. Be at peace inside. Amen.

Happiness is what we were made for. Still, that takes a lot of work. That takes practice. Practice makes the unnatural, natural. I work on myself, not on others. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Just train. Oh yeah, training is what we’re made for, too. Just saying.