What Non-MAGA Southerners Say About Trump, as Told by a Progressive Who Grew up in the South

Well bless his heart, that boy don’t have the good sense God gave a goose. He’s half a bubble off plumb and slower than molasses. He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow, but he’s got another think comin’.

He doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together, and is dumb as a box of rocks. He’s also got too big for his britches, and I don’t just mean his diaper. Why I declare, he’s renaming things like he’s taking his half out of the middle, and is ate up with the dumb ass.

When they tell him he can’t do things like name our Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, or the yankees’ Lake Ontario the Lake America, he throws a conniption fit and gets meaner than a two-headed snake. If that conniption fit don’t work, he throws a hissy fit, and some ketchup, until they let him call stuff what he wants. He’s spoilt rotten.

He’s got the nation all catywampas. He’s as crooked as a dog’s hind leg, and how everybody don’t see it beats all I ever seen.

A fourth of the U.S. bought a pig in a poke, who doesn’t know diddly squat about running a country. They don’t know you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, anymore than you can put lipstick on a pig and call it Darlin’. No matter how much cutting a shine he did in New York, acting all hifalutin back in the day when he was keeping Black folk out of his buildings and hangin’ out with that fool Epstein.

Look what tarnation he’s stirred up with Canada, with all them tariffs and all. Didn’t he ever learn not to fool with something that ain’t bothering you? Don’t let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash. Don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’. That goes for a coupla other things, too. More than a couple. He’s too dumb to pour water out of a boot. He can’t even dance with the ones that brung him. Canada is gonna hold Come To Jesus meetings with all the folks in the states that voted for the orange fox in the henhouse. And they ain’t gonna like it.

He’s made most of us so poor we can’t pay attention, but we’ve had about as much fun as we can stand. We all been rode hard and put up wet, and we’re done. We’re about to jerk a knot in his and his supporters’ tails. Our MAGA brothers and sisters are about to find out when you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. No offense meant to dogs.

Now mid-terms are gettin’ close, he’s startin’ to fall apart like an old suitcase. He looks like he might be fixin’ to go to hell in a hand basket. He ain’t got no more idee than a rabbit, but we’re about to tell him how the cow ate the cabbage.

I swear to goodness, what will we writers write about when he’s gone? Or when the mid-terms come a gusher of Democrats and progressives? I swan, we’ll have no cotton pickin’ crazy stuff left to write about. For now, though, that boy just won’t quit actin’ ugly. We may be done puttin’ up with his foolishness, but he ain’t done foolin’.

He’s got us riled up, and we’re ready to show out November 3rd. Not like those fools showed out on January 6. We’re gonna show out at the polls. We’re gonna snatch him and Congress baldheaded. Shouldn’t be too hard with that sorry excuse for hair he has. Sure as I’m standing here, he’ll be squalling like a stuck pig when all his little piggies run home with their twisty tails between their legs.

If you’re MAGA and you disagree — if I want your opinion I’ll scrape it off the bottom of my boot. Ya’ll would argue with a rattling fence post. You best believe, I’m done arguin’ with ya’ll. I used to could, but I’m plumb wore to a frazzle with your foolishness. Go peddle your peanuts somewhere else.

Now, let me let you go. Ya’ll come back now, ya hear? See you after the midterms.

My mother gets credit for “takin’ his half out the middle” and my sister gets credit for “If I want your opinion, I’ll scrape it off the bottom of my shoe.”

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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.

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