What the Famous 85-Year Harvard Study Actually Tells Us About Relationships

A quick Google search for “what makes us happy in life” brings up over 4,300,000,000 results.

That’s a lot of people writing about and searching for something that, according to the famous 85-year-old Harvard study, has already been found.

You know what I’m talking about: In 1938, Harvard researchers embarked on a decades-long study to find out: What makes us truly happy in life?

The researchers gathered health records from 724 participants from all over the world and asked detailed questions about their lives at two-year intervals.

Τhe answer to what brings us happiness? Our relationships.

To quote Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development:

“Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

But here’s the catch: Did we really need an 85-year study to tell us relationships are important? I bet all of you already knew that. The real question is, why do so many of us struggle to give our relationships the attention they deserve?

That’s what we should focus on.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Relationships

Sure, we may nod our heads when someone says, “Family and friends are important,” but how often do we truly absorb the message? How often do we pause, reflect, and ask ourselves, “Am I really giving my relationships the attention they deserve?”

For example, ever notice that…

you keep saying you’ll visit your parents, but somehow, every weekend is filled with other stuff?
when stress hits, you’re way more likely to be short-tempered with your partner than with someone you just met?
you’re willing to work 60-hour weeks but somehow never “have time” to check in with your friends?
you’re often distracted thinking about work/money during conversations with your loved ones?

The uncomfortable truth about relationships is that it’s surprisingly easy to neglect the very connections that form the backbone of our happiness.

We Want Things to Be Easy And Quick

Why is nurturing our close relationships so easy to ignore?

It’s because we want a quick fix to everything. It’s a human tendency that’s rooted in our desire for immediate relief or gratification — ingrained by our fast-paced culture.

Quick fixes often provide superficial solutions to immediate problems. They might give you a sense of immediate satisfaction or relief, but this satisfaction is often short-lived.

In relationships, quick fixes may manifest as superficial gestures such as buying gifts or making token apologies. For example, you’re having a disagreement with your partner, and instead of digging into the real issues, you just apologize or do something nice to make it seem better.

My personal favorite: saying, “We’ll talk about it later,” and continuously avoiding important discussions.

Yet, building and maintaining meaningful relationships requires a set of qualities that stand in stark contrast to the notion of quick solutions.

Pay attention to the key word — meaningful.

Relationships are not a numbers game.

It’s not about how many of them you have, but how fulfilling they are. When they are meaningful, rooted in trust, understanding, and emotional support, they become the pillars of genuine happiness.

“When we gathered together everything we knew about them about at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”

But what determines the level of fulfillment we find in our relationships? It isn’t simply being committed to someone or having fun with the other person.

It’s not the relationship itself that brings you happiness; it’s the moments and interactions within that relationship.

…

You can’t have a fulfilling relationship if you don’t a) regularly interact with that person b) share meaningful moments, and c) engage in shared experiences that create memories.

Each of these elements is a vital piece of a puzzle.

In any relationship, moments, interactions, and shared experiences are like essential threads that weave together to create a strong and fulfilling connection. Each element plays a unique role in nurturing a relationship that brings joy, depth, and lasting satisfaction.

Let’s analyze them a bit:

Moments are brief and spontaneous but hold great emotional significance. Picture checking in with a brief call or text, sharing a quick laugh, offering an unexpected compliment, or stealing a quick kiss.
Interactions involve more extended and purposeful engagements that make you feel truly seen and heard. Think of engaging in a heart-to-heart conversation, planning and making decisions together, or simply spending quality time together over an extended period.
Shared experiences lay the foundation for a shared history. Whether it’s traveling together, facing challenges as a team, or celebrating milestones, these experiences create lasting memories.

It’s the combination of these elements that makes a relationship satisfying and fulfilling. Neglecting any one of these aspects for long equals neglecting the relationship as a whole.

If you’re wondering whether you’re building the right foundation for a truly fulfilling relationship in your life, I’d advise you to ask yourself these three questions:

Do I regularly experience moments of joy, laughter, or happiness in this relationship?
Do we regularly have meaningful interactions that make us both feel heard and understood?
Are we actively creating shared experiences and making memories together?

…

The one thing you should pick up

It’s astonishing how we often neglect the very source of our happiness — our relationships.

Work. Deadlines. The constant buzz of technology. It’s a deadly mix that makes us unintentionally put our relationships on the back burner.

If there’s one vital takeaway from this study, it’s the undeniable importance of prioritizing your relationships. The evidence is clear: the quality of your connections holds the key to your well-being and, ultimately, your long-term health.

It’s never too late to start fostering and safeguarding your connections. Call your friends. Visit your parents. Plan a movie night with your partner. These simple actions go a long way in nurturing the thing that matters most in life — your relationships.

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Thank you for reading! For more self & relationship advice, tips, and stories you can subscribe to my free newsletter.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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