When Good Women Keep Cycling Through Bad Relationships

For much of my dating history, I dated the same low-effort man in different bodies. The drama might have changed with each relationship, but the dissatisfaction never did. There would be initial euphoria in the chemistry and connection, but it never took long for their true colors to come out in a big red flag waving sort of way.

I’ve always been curious about why people are the way they are. It’s the reason I studied psychology and worked as a counselor earlier in my career. I could always look at someone and, for the most part, see straight through them. I had enormous empathy, but I used most of it on everyone else and very little of it on myself. I could find the back story for why a hurt person was hurting people, but I didn’t stop to ask myself if it was my job to absorb that hurt just because it came with reasons.

I could find the back story for why a hurt person was hurting people, but I didn’t stop to ask myself if it was my job to absorb that hurt just because it came with reasons.

I could also point to the broader social dynamics of what is, frankly, a disastrous dating scene. The patriarchal system is not a level playing field for women. While men worry about being catfished or dated for the $64.20 they have in their checking accounts, women worry about being assaulted, trafficked, or murdered.

This is made even more challenging by the fact that many people aren’t honest in their dating profiles or in their real-life interactions. They present a version of themselves that they might have just made up in that moment and that has never, not for a single moment, existed on any plane of reality. It’s hard to have genuine connection when people aren’t being their authentic selves.

But for all that I found wrong with dating in particular and men in general, it didn’t take me long to work out that I still played the most essential role. I was the one picking these candidates, and the terrible dating experiences and relationships I had weren’t because those red flags were well-hidden. I can try to tell myself that I didn’t see them, but we all know (if we’re honest with ourselves) that we always see the signs and just Birdbox our way passed them.

Good Women, Bad Relationships

I’ve always seen myself as an honest, kind person who puts a lot of effort and attention into my relationships. But I dated low-energy, low-effort men who couldn’t be bothered to pick out a birthday present for me, much less nurture the relationship on the hard days. Why would I do that to myself?

There’s a whole origin story there, too. Early childhood trauma, low self-esteem, a fractured family unit that made it seem like having anyone on my side was better than no one at all. I could go on. But the truth is that I wasn’t healthy, and I didn’t choose healthy relationships.

I’m not going to promote the idea that we only deserve relationships if we put the effort into endless self-improvement projects. What I will say is this: As we genuinely heal (rather than just ignoring our problems), we begin to set higher standards for ourselves. Our boundaries and communication often improve, and we just love ourselves too much to tolerate another day of bullshit with some partner who is phoning it in just to say they have someone.

I stopped being attractive to those people. Every single red flag didn’t make me wonder about their origin story. It just felt like a major turn-off. I’d wish them well and move on because I’d already seen that story play out so many times before. I didn’t need to experience it again.

It’s possible to be a good person but an unhealthy one who chooses toxic partners. It doesn’t matter if we have the best of intentions. What matters is the decisions we make for ourselves.

I used to wonder why the good men didn’t seem to want to date me, but then I realized that in my unhealthy mindset, I was showing red flags of my own. I couldn’t see them, but I’m sure they could. Now that I’m on the other side of that and seeing all the warning signs around me of unhealthy relationships, I do my best to be kind while making better choices.

When the Pick-Me Decenters Men

In groups online, I see so many women still embodying a pick-me mindset in relationships. They want to be chosen, but they aren’t looking too hard at the partners they’re choosing and whether they are healthy options. I understand these women because I was one of them. When we’re raised to consider the male gaze as the most important point-of-view, it’s hard not to become a person who sees the world that way, too. We center men because we live in a society that does, and our relationships won’t get healthier as long as we’re prioritizing them over our own health and well-being.

After years of therapy and self-reflection, I started shifting my mindset. Here in my feral forties, I don’t care if a man likes what I’m wearing, thinks I’m attractive, or generally approves of me. I don’t run every major choice in my life through the filter of what a future partner might think of my decision, whether that’s the color I paint my room or the decision to adopt another pet. Men aren’t at the center of my life because that’s my place.

There’s such a negative connotation around the idea of being self-centered, but let’s break that down. Shouldn’t we all be self, pause, centered? Shouldn’t we be making decisions that are in our best interests? Why does that naturally mean that it’s against everyone else’s?

There’s a clear reason why. In a patriarchal system where men have always been centered, they find it disconcerting when they aren’t prioritized. I grew up surrounded by this idea that mothers should self-sacrifice for their children. I watched my mom do without things she needed, so we could get things we wanted. But I didn’t observe that level of sacrifice in my dad, and I also didn’t hear any commentary telling men that they should be giving things up. I watched all the women head to the kitchen at the holidays to prepare and serve up a meal while the men headed to the sofas and lounge chairs to entertain themselves. What message is that sending to younger generations when the gender divide and assigned roles are that clear-cut?

I didn’t come out of my mother’s womb washing a dish, but it didn’t take long for that chore to be assigned to me. I can’t remember ever seeing my father or any other man in my family actually washing dishes. Whether or not anyone was talking about the dynamic, we were all learning it. I spent a lifetime feeling somewhat disgruntled about the inequity of such arrangements, but it wasn’t until the last few years that I was able to take men out of the center of my life and remove those gender roles from my household.

When pick-me women decide to decenter men and focus on themselves, there will be men who think it’s a personal attack on them. They won’t understand why the women that used to be so easy to get no longer care for their low-effort ways. They might make a lot of assumptions about this self-centered person, but as we get healthier, we’re just naturally more attracted to healthy partners.

Why the Toxic Pattern Continues After Growth

If I’m honest, my last relationship wasn’t toxic. At least, it wasn’t for a long time. I had so much love and respect for that partner, but there was a point in the relationship where I was still all in, and he was clearly having second thoughts. When that shift happened, it triggered major anxiety in me. I started over-functioning in the relationship because I was still in love and didn’t want to lose him. This is where my toxic pattern showed up.

I was anxious more than half the time, but I didn’t leave. I couldn’t. I felt stuck. I wanted that relationship in a way I don’t think I’ve ever truly wanted one before. I was so sure I’d met my soulmate. He was just my favorite person, and I’ve met a lot of people in my life. But staying with him knowing that he wasn’t truly with me anymore was breaking my heart. The fact that I couldn’t make myself leave him was a big red flag that I still had some healing to do. Yes, I loved him, but the most self-loving thing I could have done was to leave and let him figure his stuff out without breadcrumbing me and dragging me along for the ride.

After the relationship, I finally went through trauma therapy and dealt with things I’d always buried before. It was a tough process, but I came out of it changed. My nervous system was regulated for the first time that I could remember, and I often think that if I had gotten that therapy before the last relationship, it might have changed everything. I feel certain, at least, that I would have been healthy enough to leave when the dynamic shifted in a way that no longer met my needs.

People who have invested in personal growth but still find themselves ignoring red flags, for any reason, are missing out on some valuable information. There’s an area that still needs healing if we’re willing to go there and figure out what it is. I know this because I know that red flags are only attractive to other red flags. They look pretty repellant once we’ve shed our own.

Attractiveness is more than a symmetrical face. Our looks are mostly genetics with a little personal effort thrown in with how we present ourselves. I see attractive people all the time, but I’ve noticed I’m not attracted beyond the superficial when red flags are present. A good-looking man wearing a MAGA hat? Instant turn-off! A perfectly beautiful face who’s rude to a server? Hard pass. Being appealing on the outside doesn’t negate the need to be appealing on the inside as well.

Being appealing on the outside doesn’t negate the need to be appealing on the inside as well.

Every Woman Needs a Copy of This Book

I want to disclose the fact that I am not, in any way, being paid for the following opinion. Here goes: Every woman, single or otherwise, should read Burn the Haystack by Jennie Young. All of them. Every single one. It’s an excellent resource because it validates women’s intuition with science.

Let’s talk about the ick. We’re talking to some man on a dating app, and he says something that automatically strikes the wrong chord. Ew! We have a strong reaction, but we don’t know why. We’re not talking about something that’s obviously inappropriate. It just feels … off somehow.

Young’s Burn the Haystack breaks down the rhetoric behind the words, the thing that’s triggering such a strong innate response. They might not realize the message they’re broadcasting, and we might not be able to explain why it hits us so wrong, but this is the exact moment we should pay the most attention because it’s where all the important information can be found.

I’m not even actively dating right now, and I find it useful in all areas of life. It’s such a great guide to holding better boundaries and not wasting our time arguing with or educating total strangers. Any woman using the internet at all should give it a read.

This book also validates the fact that modern society is not equitable, and we’ve been led to believe that having any standards at all is wrong or somehow unkind. The truth is that it only benefits those low-effort partners to perpetuate the idea that everyone deserves a chance. While I think everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, we don’t have to stick around for a conversation with some man whose misogyny or dick pic just entered the chat.

Breaking the Toxic Relationship Cycle

I’ve been through trauma therapy. I’ve decentered men. I’ve built a full and interesting life for myself. If I choose to date, it will be because I’m interested in knowing someone better, not because I feel like dating is some higher calling for single people or because I think there’s anything wrong with living our lives alone.

Besides, I’m almost never alone. I have children. I have pets. I have friends. I have a collection of books I’m behind on reading and many interests outside my home. I’m involved in my community. My life isn’t empty or sad. I’m rarely lonely.

Good people of any gender can find themselves with a terrible partner. It happens. What matters is what we do next, those choices we make to stay and endure or to take the risk to leave because we know we deserve better. It can be scary to go, but for me, it’s become a lot scarier to stay and spend years of this all-too-short life unhappy.

I’ve been in one relationship that enhanced every single aspect of my life. While it lasted, before it changed, it was beautiful. I would happily enter a connection like that again, but what I will not do is walk right passed the red flags and in the door of some new relationship like those stop signs are a problem for future me. Every choice I make now respects who I’ve been, who I am, and who I’m becoming.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.