When Love and Desire Clash

It is in this kind of complex dance of love that each one reaches a most critical juncture when the hearts and minds are at crossroads between love and unfulfilled longing. Such is the story of this 38-year-old woman whose tale unravels to reach a painful dilemma into her two-and-a-half years with her 33-year-old boyfriend.

They clicked, instantly in tune-the sound and hopeful first connection. He was the best man she’d ever dated, such a partner who supported her through thick and thin. Her anxiety wasn’t a small thing, but he handled it with so much care, never made her feel lesser for it. He came to every single family function without complaint, was integrated fully into the life she so valued.

…

They then lived together, which shockingly was a pretty smooth process, as she had been on her own for ten years.

But there was only one problem which shadowed their otherwise fairy-tale romance: sexual incompatibility. Their sex life had reduced to perhaps once a month, making her feel unwanted and unfulfilled. She wanted more, not only for herself but also because she wanted to become a mother. Time was not supporting her, and with medical complications arising, it felt like the dream of motherhood was further eluding her.

What really confused her, though, was that her boyfriend was uninterested in sex. He reassured her it wasn’t anything to do with her; sex plainly didn’t mean much to him, and he loved showing his love other ways. His love language was acts of service, and he did that well, but her love language was physical touch, and the lack of intimacy left her feeling insecure and unloved.

…

Despite trying to fix the problem-cutting down on drinking, cutting out smoking, seeing a doctor, and even trying Blue Chew for performance anxiety-nothing would seem different. The sex therapist was an option, but even the very thought of it just gives her a pang in her heart; she doesn’t want him to feel broken because he is a strong man in her eyes, though it took a lot from her mental health. She was at a crossroads: stay with the man who treated her well in every other aspect but who left her unfulfilled sexually, or leave and seek possibly someone else who would satisfy her need for children and an active sex life. Leaving terrified her. She didn’t have a “good” reason for leaving-there was no cheating, abuse, or addiction of any sort to blame. But was the dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their sex life a good enough reason to walk away from everything else that was good?

…

She tossed in her bed, caught deep within her decision, and wondered several times whether she was being selfish, whether desiring more from her relationship was asking for too much. She knew love was not about having sex, but she also knew she couldn’t keep turning a blind eye to her own needs. The perfect future she envisioned with him-buying a house, raising children, or even just sharing time with their four-legged friends-couldn’t seem more right, save the nagging feeling in her heart that something was missing. And finally, she realized there wasn’t an easy answer. A relationship is perhaps better described by the word complicated, and sometimes, love alone is not enough. The love and care she got had to be weighed against the emotional damage at the desires not met. This is a call only she will have to make-whatever that call will be-and will require loads of courage and understanding from herself regarding what she needs and wants.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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