When Marriage Fails, Should We Stay for the Sake of the Children?

When faced with emotional betrayal, many people choose to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children.

So, is staying in a marriage for the children a correct choice? This question has no standard answer, and everything depends on one’s own reality. For example, if there are multiple children, divorce might be impossible, and choosing to continue the marriage becomes a relatively suitable option.

However, no matter what choice we make, the core issue to resolve is whether we can live a good life ourselves. From this perspective, the phrase “staying for the sake of the children” seems somewhat negative.

If we only adopt a “staying” attitude, it’s hard to be happy in life. Then, when the children grow up and start their own families, what kind of life will we have? These are all things to consider.

So, for those who choose to continue the marriage for the sake of the children, there are some questions to ponder:

Would I still choose to “stay” if there were no children?

This question may seem like a pseudo-question, but it helps to reveal our true inner thoughts. Sometimes, the reasons that force people to “stay” are not just about the children, but also other factors that make us make this decision.

However, because the reason of “for the children” is often at the forefront, many people ignore the other reasons behind it — which is why we need to ask ourselves, would we choose to end it if there were no children?

For instance, if other reasons include emotional baggage, indecisive personality, etc., then even without the reason of “for the children,” we would still face the same problems. Blaming it on “for the children” often gives us a buffer or an excuse to temporarily avoid facing the real issues, but we must be clear in our hearts that problems with emotions and marriage need to be faced, handled, and resolved eventually.

That’s why there’s often a divorce wave after the children finish college — it’s because the reason of “for the children” is no longer there, and there are no other reasons left.

Can I live a good life in such a marriage?

This question is also extremely important and substantial. Living a good life doesn’t mean being happy, because it’s basically impossible to be happy in a marriage with betrayal.

Living a good life means maintaining our independence, whether it’s financially, personally, emotionally, or spiritually, in such a marriage. In fact, the more unstable the emotional relationship, the more we need to maintain our independence.

If we can’t achieve independence, then during the years we “stay” for the children, our effort should be focused on achieving independence. If we’re independent, we won’t be afraid of anything.

What’s most feared is when we use “for the children” as an excuse to stay in the relationship, but we don’t see the essence of the problem, don’t think from our own perspective, and don’t make an effort for our own future, letting ourselves drift, anxious and uncertain every day, but not taking responsibility for our own lives.

Can we set a good example for our children?

As parents, we are our children’s best teachers, and the kind of parents we are will shape the kind of children we raise.

As parents, we have a modeling effect on our children, and our every word and action influences their future. The original family environment is crucial for children’s entire lives.

So, when the marriage is unhappy, and parents find it hard to love and care for each other, it’s essential to fulfill our roles as fathers or mothers.

Good parents will set an example for their children, which is:

Although there are problems between us, “I” will teach my children two principles:

First, emotions and marriage can’t always go as planned, and we need to learn to accept it rationally — this is a mature attitude towards emotions.

Second, although the husband-and-wife relationship is bad, as a father or mother, I will still fulfill my responsibilities and take on my part, whether it’s for the children or the family — this is a question of values and character.

Only by doing so can we truly “stay for the children.” Ultimately, we need to be happy — at least, we need to appear happy and positive in front of our children, filled with positive energy.

Only when we live a good life ourselves can we possibly have a positive influence on our children; only when we live a good life ourselves can we bring positivity and goodness to our children, so truly “staying for the children” requires a positive, sunny, and powerful inner self, rather than a negative, complaining, and irresponsible one.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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