As our culture and society have denormalized authentic male friendships, more men are finding themselves lonely and depressed. It’s time to showcase masculinity as depending on and helping others, rather than a man alone.
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It was that awkward, all too familiar conversation that happens when you first meet someone: ‘Where do you work?’ ‘Where are you from?’ ‘What do you like to do for fun?’ I politely responded, and was then asked, ‘So who do you hang out with? Do you have a best friend?’
The question jilted me a little, at first (I can’t remember the last time I was asked if I had a best friend). Recently, just coming back to New York City there were still a few friends who remained (the rest having gotten engaged, already started moving out of the city) but as I tried going through the list to pick out one that I would deem a best friend, I turned up empty handed. The person who would fit this bill is a friend of mine from high school, but because of distance, we only check in from time to time, just picking up where we left off. As I reflected more on this, I thought, how typical is it for an adult guy to have a “best friend?”
Guys may have best friends growing up, but this interaction is not the same as what is expected between two girls. While the common initiation practices of a young girl’s friendship are telling secrets, playing house and/or dress up, young boy’s friendships entail a large amount of physical play (and rough play at that) and often focuses around what can be found amusing, and anything gross (all the better if produced by the body, as with boogers or farts.)
The evolution of a friendship between girls is that of a heightened emotional connection (if they do, in fact, remain best friends) throughout adolescence, getting all the more closer. On the other hand, boys replace emotionally detached play with—well, emotionally detached play.
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As we mature, the friendships of girls and boys often continue along these two different paths. Girls’ secrets turn into stories or rumors that they’ve heard, and dress up actually becomes trying on clothes, make-up and hair styles. The evolution of a friendship between girls is that of a heightened emotional connection (if they do, in fact, remain best friends) throughout adolescence, getting all the more closer. On the other hand, boys replace emotionally detached play with—well, emotionally detached play. Boy’s elementary school play of hitting and bumping into one another and with objects transgresses into virtual violence through video games, watching movies on someone’s couch, and picking on one another for laughs. And this is all considered normal boy behavior.
Then comes puberty — a time in which society brings young adults into the reigns of independently navigating a bi-gendered world. Throughout elementary and middle schools there is segregation along gender lines — both de facto and regulated. From pre-school boys clustering together during recess to avoid girls’ cooties, strict rules of who stays in which bunk during summer camp, and avoiding hanging around girls too much in fear of being labeled too “girly” and ostracized, adolescence is a time in which the genders are reintroduced to one another — under certain terms –within a new environment. What is different about this new environment is that sex comes into play. Under a closely zoomed in microscope, society attempts to rear the genders into “proper” cross-gendered relationships. Homecoming dances, house parties, and co-ed dorm rooms are now the top social activities and settings for young adults. New rules not only apply to how men should treat women (pulling a girl’s hair in second grade might have been the clearest sign to express your interest in her, but not so much once you’re past thirteen) but they apply also to how men should treat other men.
Once we hit high school — an extremely impressionable time in forming our idea of what our own masculinity should be — we have already become socialized to what a proper male friendship should be. We attempt to do this within the bounds and limitations of a heteronormative, and often homophobic high school environment. As a result, these narrow standards often become the basis of what is acceptable or ‘cool.’ For young men, that means not being able to get too close to anything we associate with or perceive to be feminine or the possibility of homosexual. This framework consequently shapes the formation of the friendships we make going forward in order to adhere to the same restrictive hetero-gender guidelines.
Most male relationships at this time are used to reinforce the other’s masculinity (by rejecting anything too feminine), usually through displays of strength and aggression most likely through some form of competition or prank.
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Beyond middle school, a guy usually retires the title of “best friend” with that of homie, bro, my boys, dawg, etc., he wouldn’t dare dream of having a sleep over (or at least calling it one), and his closest interaction with other boys will still probably center around sports or another activity — rather than because they enjoy one another’s company. Male relationships at this time often lack any deep, emotional sharing, vulnerability (except in extreme cases), or genuine, physical contact outside of the fist bump or pat on the back (but no hugging — seriously, dude, that shit’s gay as hell.) Most male relationships at this time are used to reinforce the other’s masculinity (by rejecting anything too feminine) usually through displays of strength and aggression and most likely through some form of competition or prank.
Through the knowledge structures that are ingrained in us on what a man should be, we sooner or later find ourselves in the trap of trying to meet the proper standards and exhibit the suitable behaviors society has constituted as appropriate for a “man.” This gender performance merely creates an image of a “real man” (no matter how false it may be) for us to idealize and attempt to live up to. This, in turn, reinforces whatever masculine displays or efforts we present reaffirming our status as “men” and keeping intact our own self-perception by us becoming the very image that was presented to us in the first place. This can be anything from where we hang out, how we goof around, and to the extent we share our feelings.
Since the westward expansion of the United States, and consequently its culture, the masculinized American ideal of manhood has been the lone figure in solitude. The common trope found within the 19th century southwest culture was always that of the lone cowboy. This then morphed into the 20th century’s urban counterpart, the forever single, light-hearted bachelor. Both of these figures that represented what the common idea for manhood was at that specific time were purposefully that of solitude. These common American masculine characters were equated with a rugged, brash individualism, and a type of independence that only comes from self-sufficiency and resilience –emphasizing the idea that a strong and successful man should need no one but himself.
If we look at the “bromance” being the 21st century model of a male relationship, though it has an emphasis on an emotional connection, there’s still a veil that’s over this. The vulnerability and sharing that may occur between two men are things that will happen in an inconspicuous setting, feeding the sense that there should be shame.
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Common depictions of men either fighting to overcome a challenge or embattling a dire threat show him as some brooding warrior, silently enduring and suffering on his own. From Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker, 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Trying, Antonio Banderas in The Mask of Zorro, to Clint Eastwood in Dirty Hairy, portrayals of a man being a “man” often perpetuate the Americanized masculine ideal of solitude, self-advancement, and emotional suppression. Think James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause — this is the epitome of cool. This idea, which still carries over today may be more causing more harm than good.
Outside of the role of the father, which has traditionally been reserved for heterosexual men of a certain age, men are not at the center of a community, forming deep, platonic relationships for the sake of a true friendship. Conventionally, the person to provide the support and confidence to the man has been the partner (most likely the girlfriend or wife.) With this set up of “til death do us part” being the built in support system for men, women are often left with the responsibility of being the fixer for the problems of the men in their lives. From a layoff to a mid-life crisis, women are told that behind every great man, there is a great woman. If this saying were to be continued with what is implied, it would read as “behind every great man, there is a great woman that puts her emotional needs aside to cater to the emotional needs of that man.” This set up of the wife giving support to her husband not only puts the wife in a secondary position within the relationship (as it is usually not expected that the man will provide the same level of emotional support to the woman), but also leaves gay/bisexual/and transgendered men with no conventional support system that is just as accepted in society.
As men are encouraged to “suck it up,” and “be a man,” this is usually translated into finding the solutions to any problems on your own. If it’s a matter of finding directions to a Target (which I still need a GPS for), then fine. But what about those serious life problems that all humans are bound to encounter? Feeling unsuccessful at work? Not having a sense of direction? Losing a connection to people and things you’ve loved in the past? Should the same solution of figuring it out on your own still apply? These are most often the moments when one may need someone to give him advice, share his own experiences to show that he can relate, or simply to listen. Because we don’t reach out as men, but further retreat into our mental and emotional man caves, modern men are experiencing depression at much higher reported rates.
If we look at the “bromance” being the 21st century model of a male relationship, though it has an emphasis on an emotional connection, there’s still a veil that’s over this. The vulnerability and sharing that may occur between two men are things that will happen in an inconspicuous setting, feeding the sense that there should be shame. This aspect of the “bromance” is hidden with the mask that is binge drinking, watching sports, or playing poker.
Expectations still remain on how “real” men are allowed to communicate as friends in order to remain “normal.” Even the term ‘bromance’ in itself indicates that there should be a different type of friendship for guys than girls (thus the portmanteau that is needed to replace “friendship”). Friendships are essentially our support systems, which everyone needs. Both genders have the same capacity to listen and be compassionate. It’s now just a matter of seeing these aspects as qualities, no matter which gender possesses them, in order to become the support systems that we need to be. Or more simply put — a friend.
Photo: Ben Kerckx/Pixabay
Thanks for this, Seon. The idea of INTERdepence over independence is crucial to how we are framing our ideas about manhood. Its life or death for us, as men. So, thanks. Let’s cross paths sometime soon here in NYC.
People don’t live in the same neighborhoods when it comes to having friends whether at school or in the same workplace. At the end of the day, people live in different cities when they leave their workplace plus they even live in different parts of town that takes time too long to get to. Not to mention, people have to leave their neighborhoods because they have to jump from job to job for various reasons.