“My husband cheated on me nearly a year while I was pregnant. I found out about the other woman 1 week before my due date. What do I do?”
“My boyfriend didn’t mean to cheat on me, he said it was an accident. Should I believe him?”
“Since I discovered my husband was seeing someone else, I haven’t been able to move on. Am I good enough?”
After four years of working with couples closely, I can tell you that cheating boyfriends or husbands are even more common than you would think.
There are many reasons why they will choose to be unfaithful.
And chances are, you will not have a clear-cut answer as to why they did it. If you find out, they will give a bunch of reasons. Sometimes they will even gaslight their partners to thinking they are at fault. Believe me, they can be very imaginative when they try to explain why.
However, it’s painful to discover that your partner has been unfaithful — no matter what the circumstances are. It feels like a slap in the face.
I had never given much thought to cheating before. It was not on my radar growing up, but I knew what it was. I had seen it in movies, books and the stories exchanged around me. So when my own boyfriend cheated on me with another woman years ago, it tore me apart. It was my very first committed relationship, and I had done everything right. Yet, he had decided I was not ‘the one’ after 4 years of dating and he cheated instead of breaking up with me.
It was just as I had seen it in the movies. Except for the fact that it felt 10 times worse, like the world had come to an end.
5 Reasons Men Can Be Unfaithful
Men cheat for many reasons, and sometimes it’s not because they don’t love you.
So why do men really cheat? And why do they sometimes continue cheating even after they get caught?
Truth is, there are many factors at play when a man chooses to be unfaithful.
#1: He is insecure
Feelings of low self-esteem and insecurity can also drive him to the point of infidelity. He can cheat to feel desired by someone.
To uplift his fragile ego, he will seek attention and validation from other women to feel worthy once more. While it is not your fault, this type of man will seek gratification from other people without expressing his concerns to you first.
A shocking amount of male cheating is linked to men having a mid-life crisis.
#2: He is sexually unfulfilled
I often hear my clients telling me they want (or have) cheated on their wives. Not because they don’t love them, but because they were sexually unsatisfied.
This is very common in long-term relationships. After having kids, women have lower libido. Others are in their menopause transitions.
You can read my article 6 Alternatives for Women Who Don’t Want to Have Sex With Their Husband.
It eventually means that their husband’s sexual needs are not being met. It does not mean that the person being cheated on is in the wrong either.
I try to advise my clients that cheating is not the way to overcome sexual frustration. A better solution would be to have a conversation and attempt to work out a solution together.
#3: He is a narcissist
‘Why would he cheat on me if he loves me?’
Sometimes the answer to this is you have a narcissistic partner.
I have dealt with a fair share of narcissists myself, and I can tell you that they alway comes first. Their needs, their happiness and their beliefs. If your partner is a narcissist, he will always think that he is exempted from the rules because he is, well, ‘special’.
Cheating will never be cheating to him. If he believes he isn’t constrained by monogamy, there is nothing you can do about it.
He’s selfish and therefore he can lie and keep secrets, as long as it gets him what he wants.
#4: He is looking for a connection
One of my friends (she allowed me to share her story) divorced her husband after 7 years of marriage.
Lila (*names changed) married her college sweetheart and had a blissful marriage. Everything was fine in the first few years. But as time progressed, Lila got sucked into her work life.
She had gotten a promotion, and her job was as demanding as ever. Which meant that her home life was suffering at the expense of her career.
She was seeing less and less of her husband, and their sex life was at an all time low. It didn’t take her long to find out he was cheating on her.
She saw the emotionally intimate messages he was exchanging with the other woman, and soon realized it wasn’t just physical.
This is the type of infidelity where one partner seeks out emotional intimacy with someone other than their partner. It may or may not include physical cheating such as engaging in physical sex.
With an emotional affair, people tend to not consider it as cheating. But what eventually happens is that the unfaithful partner will end up paying attention to someone other than their significant other.
He will end up checking out of the relationship; both mentally and emotionally.
#5: He wants to end things but don’t know how to
He’s trying to let you down slowly. And instead of expressing how he feels, he will cheat on you.
He won’t go out of his way to hide it either. An unlocked phone today, whispered midnight calls tomorrow. He is purposely trying to get you in the loop.
That way, you can do the heavy lifting for him. The crying, the nasty breaking up with him — that will be your designated role.
Men are less likely to have difficult conversations with their partner. Instead of having that conversation, they’ll just have an affair.
Still… cheating is a painful ordeal
It is certainly easy to grow apart as years go on, leading to emotional distance. It doesn’t mean that you’re falling out of love.
However, the feelings of distance can take your attention and connection to someone else.
There is also the issue of sexual fulfillment in a relationship. Not everyone who engages in extramarital sex is sexually unsatisfied.
Some do it for the thrill, others do it for their egos. It’s a choice to cheat on your partner.
None of this takes away from the fact that a huge rift has occurred in your relationship. It’s normal to be hurt, sad or heartbroken.
Your partner is responsible for the choices he made, not you.
I do NOT condone being unfaithful of any kind. Instead, if you’re not happy in your relationship, be brave and have a talk. Or part ways with the most integrity as possible. Many consider options with your partner such as open relationship or ethical non-monogamy.
That’s what love is.
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If you’ve found that your partner has been cheating on you, I’m sorry. I hear your pain and it can be very overwhelming.
And if you’ve been the unfaithful one despite loving your partner, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. No judgment, it would help to know how did you find yourself in this situation.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Maria Teneva on Unsplash
I have been on both sides of this. I was married for 13 years, we put our relationship on the back burner while focusing on the kids and everything/anything else. We struggled financially but somehow gave the kids a wonderful childhood filled with a lot of fun memories to look back on. Towards the end of the marriage I told my husband “Look, I’m getting attention from other men which normally I would not be open to and I’m starting to like it and provoke it..that scares me! We need to fix this because our relationship is non-existent and it’s… Read more »