But what if, instead, these men were themselves victims of sexual assault?
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In the last week, hundreds of thousands of women shared stories of sexual assault in response to a single tweet from blogger Kelly Oxford. For nearly 72 hours, the outpouring of unvarnished, emotional, and very real stories was relentless – at one point, over 50 responses per minute. Women revealed molestation by family members, groping by strangers, and unwanted sexual contact by friends.
Solidarity with other survivors is central to healing. As a survivor myself, I experienced this solidarity first-hand in a small therapy group on my college campus. By listening and honoring each other’s experience, we released a little bit of our shame. This kind of connection matters, whether with fellow survivors or simply with the people who love you.
The online avalanche of support for #NotOkay in these last few days revealed a lot about hidden realities in our world, and the stories that are missed when survivors of sexual violence are made to feel ashamed of their experience. It also revealed a not-so-secret fact – the overwhelming silence of men in the anti-sexual violence movement.
This isn’t unexpected, and often, it’s interpreted in a negative light – sometimes deservedly so. We wonder if men lack empathy about survivors’ experiences and are complicit in a culture that celebrates sexual violence. Maybe they participate in “locker-room talk” that graphically describes sexual assault. Worse still – what if they are perpetrators?
But what if, instead, these men were themselves victims of sexual assault? Kelly Oxford directed the #NotOkay movement to women, given the accusations against Donald Trump. Yet it’s a common misperception that women are the only victims of sexual violence, and indeed that’s the focus of much of the current narrative. One in four U.S. women are victims of sexual abuse or assault – and so are one in six men.
In the impassioned conversations about sexual assault, the solidarity amongst survivors is in the experience of violation, shame, and the stigma that comes from violence that is sexual in nature. This is not limited to gender. Male survivors deserve to be seen and heard and they should feel empowered to speak their truth and experience. Their trauma is real, and often goes unnoticed.
But what about men who are not survivors or perpetrators? Why do many of them remain silent? In reality, most men feel helpless and sad when it comes to sexual violence. Most men care deeply about survivors. They may know them and love them in intimate ways. Silence doesn’t always mean complicity. Silence is often simply discomfort.
Too many men are still learning how to approach difficult conversations and topics with empathy, compassion and respect.
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Sometimes, when men do speak up in public discussions, they make statements that are awkward and uncomfortable, offending survivors and the people who support them. These comments could come from a place of deliberate ignorance or disrespect, like assertions that banter about rape is normal and acceptable – now unfortunately and incorrectly referred to as “locker room talk.” But many times, seemingly offensive statements reflect a lack of skill when it comes to navigating conversations about a topic they don’t often discuss. That doesn’t make those comments okay, but, when they are then attacked for saying the wrong thing; it feeds the endless cycle of men avoiding conversations about sexual violence. When it comes to directly interacting with survivors, whether face-to-face or online, many men just choose silence. And while fear of discomfort is understandable, it also means these men aren’t providing support for survivors when they need it the most.
As women, we have been taught to vocalize our feelings, share our stories, and connect with the people who love us. Too many men are still learning how to approach difficult conversations and topics with empathy, compassion and respect. We must encourage our male allies and survivors to participate because it is #NotOkay for them either. We must broadcast more examples of men who do speak up, who do add their voices to the conversation, who do participate as allies in the movement.
First Lady Michelle Obama emotionally spoke about the challenge many men are grappling with as the 2016 election continues: “They are loving fathers who are sickened by the thought of their daughters being exposed to this kind of vicious language about women. They are husbands and brothers and sons who don’t tolerate women being treated and demeaned and disrespected.”
So yes, some men (and women) say and do horribly sexist and offensive things. Yes, we are all victims of a culture that allows sexual violence to take place at unacceptable rates. But if we can’t find a way to connect to each other, look survivors in the eyes, and create new conversations, what exactly are we fighting for?
Photo: Getty Images
I think a lot of men don’t care because they see care for men for their own sake is not respected, valued, or convenient and is in a lot of cases even dismissed and hated. Men are being asked to work on women’s issues while also being blamed for women’s issues while also being told that their anger is invalid and women’s anger is valid. Then, when they try to get some sympathy for themselves they are told they are playing the victim, they hate women, that equality isn’t a zero sum game, that women have it worse (go look… Read more »
I wanted to add this question too.
What is a man to do when nearly everything he does is considered harmful to women (speak calmly, speak angry, or stay silent), he himself is considered harmful to women, and the ways he is harmed are considered less important than what’s affecting women?
Let me provide an angle towards the supposed apathy you see from men in terms of sexual violence. First, we’ll start with an old adage: Nobody is BORN that way. Same thing applies to men. Those that are apathetic had to have arrived there at some point in their lives. Perhaps due to the fact that maybe they have struggles they’re facing as well. Not related to sexual violence but violence on the domestic front and in general. Also, Apathy as a whole from people who con them into thinking they care. It’s very easy to reach a breaking point… Read more »
Edit:
“Not related to sexual violence”
I meant to put in “Not JUST related to sexual violence”.
I may be wrong in this accusation, but I have a deep suspicion that many of those who don’t speak up don’t because they have engaged in the behavior. I hope I’m wrong, but my suspicion still lingers.
So you assume every man who is reluctant is a rapist or has raped someone in their lives?
Pretty sexist generalization, in my opinion.
This #%@&# “refresh is going to be the life of me!! Do ya’ll realize that all people don’t type fast? That a lot people “think” about what they’re writing and accordingly may change what they write? (saving) Now to what I was originally saying .. To all of you who commend the men who have shared their stories, I thank you for your recognition. Truth be told, there are countless men who have similar stories. The sad part is that we live in a society tat doesn’t recognize these men. Instead we have a society that would rather focus on… Read more »
Part of it is that men are expected to take risks. Part of it is risk assessment. I wasn’t worried about the woman on the bus safety while the guy harassing her was across the isle. It was only after the person sitting next to her left that I decided to act. Had the woman gotten off first, I would have never moved. When you and the others stopped your cars, you didn’t dive into the confrontation either. You observed, but were prepared to. Why escalate something that may not need to end in violence? This is not the reaction… Read more »
“Being prepared” … Perfect! Because “being prepared” is something that most don’t see us being but we are. Maybe it’s because of where I work and the population I work with, I’m constantly ready, I listen to what’s being said and picking up on expressions, mannerisms, postures, tone of voice. When we call a “blue sheet” to an area of the facility, most of who respondent are men even though most of our employees are women. I think everyone should take CPI training. PArt of that training includes what JoAnn Mitchell said and that is how to safely deescalate a… Read more »
I do not think that men in general remain silent if they see a helpless woman being attacked by men obviously unknown to her in the street.
However men are aware that it is convenient for a woman to accuse a man of sexual harassment in case of any dispute or quarrel.
There are plenty of false accusation from women against men.
In case a woman is accusing a man living together with her and years later she is claiming sexual abuse many men will not agree with the victim, regardless if the accusation is true or not.
Thank you Sarah for your insights on the dangers of silence and to all those here who have joined the conversation. One insight from the science of behavior change is that harmful behaviors can’t just be left behind, they need to be overridden by healthier ones. So as we continue uncovering the factors that perpetuate rape culture, such as silence about sexual violence, we can ask ourselves what would override it. This means not only having the critical conversations about sexual violence that Sarah has championed, but also conversations about what we want to move toward: a culture of consent.… Read more »
I will never be your ally, you can thank a pedophile great aunt, an abusive step father, a manipulative half sister and a dwad mother that was on her way to 4th bad mistake before being murdered by bad decision #3 ~ coupled with a justice system that said neither incident was worthy of prosecution and the long line of Therapists and idiot SJWs that all pander the Forgive – Surrender – Grow BS. Women are just as adept at performing ghe crime as men – it is past time we treat them as such.
Countless stories of women abusing boys/men but it doesn’t matter They will be heard by some but not many. I remember seeing a video back in the late 60’s, early 70’s that was heart wrenching where multiple men disclosed sexual abuse by women. #sorry guys you lose, feminist movement is more important. 2016 – Stats showing men may be abused as much as women #Sorry guys, we have a rape culture to deal with. Countless men lose through decades of was/ # Sorry guys, the women are the victims of war #Thank you Hilary
Honestly? Often, I have no idea what to say. Empathy can only get you so far when you can’t readily identify with an experience. And even though men likely suffer far more unwanted sexual contact than we realize or acknowledge, the context is frequently different. In most cases, we won’t fear for our physical safety, much less our lives. The tendency for sexual assault on males to remain at the fringe of public perception can also have the perverse effect of limiting the damage to our reputations. I think that technically, I was sexually assaulted by a young woman at… Read more »
Ironic that this article came out when it did Earlier this week while I was driving home from cardiac rehab session on a main thoroughfare in my town. There was a lot of traffic and we were at a stop a little more then a block away from the stop light. My windows were open when I heard two people yelling. I glanced to the right and observed a man who was in a womens face screaming at her while, whaling his fists. She was screaming back and I heard her yelling to leave her along. This had occurred about… Read more »
Funny you mention that Tom. About 10 years ago when Tyra Banks was still doing her day time talkshow she ran a series of fake situations similar to what you saw. She staged “man getting hostile with woman”, “man getting hostile with man”, and “woman getting hostile with woman”. She ran each of them multiple times in different spots around NY City. In her “man getting hostile with man” and “woman getting hostile with woman” scenarios most bystanders just walked by not really caring and few even stopped to look but no intervention. In her “man getting hostile with woman”… Read more »
Spot on Danny. But where is this narrative coming from? Perhaps places ie GMP who perpetuate it? Could it be main stream media that lead the sheeple by the nose and what they say is right BECAUSE they say it? It surely can’t be from people like Hillary Clinton who berated and insulted the women Bill abused because she would be the one t stand up FOR these women, yes?
Here is an interesting title for an article “Why Hillary Clintons Silence on Bill Clintons Sexual Abuse is Understandable – but Still #NotOkay
Hi Tom. Thank you so much for sharing that story! And I’m sorry you are sick and tired of hearing people like me say you are silent. I did want to clarify a little bit about my intentions in this particular post, and also ground it in the interviews and surveys I’ve conducted with hundreds of men over the last year. My focus and interest is specifically in how we talk about sexual violence, which, even in larger conversations about violence or violence against women, tends to get silenced. I’m also more interested in how men support survivors in their… Read more »
Thank you and I don’t see it as an affront at all. As an addictions counselor, there have been times through the years that I have cringed when I’ve over heard a non clinical staff speaking to a client. Although they may have true empathy and care about the client, anything beyond “I understand what you’re saying” could take the clients progress in different directions. Something as catastrophic as sexual abuse is by its nature delicate. I had a 17 year old male client who’d progressed very well in treatment. (back when treatment was 6 to 12 months) I’d taken… Read more »
I really appreciate this story, Tom.
Than you
Women are not great at supporting survivors either. Why just blame men?
Mr. Brechlin, my thanks to you and the other men who stood up and did the right thing-the good man thing. I’m very heartened you were ready for whatever came down. Sometimes I do think it comes down to a skill, a strategy, a learned behavior. I think my skills in that situation are lacking. I saw one woman’s idea on a TV show depicting just the kind of situation you encountered and watching how a random stranger would react. She went over to the woman and led her away saying ‘come with me, you need to come with me… Read more »
That is a very safe way of intervening … you learned well. Sadly if the guy is violent, he doesn’t care who you are and if you got into his face, I guarantee you hat you will also become a target.
@ Tom Brechlin I remember one time I stopped street harassment. I was on a bus and this guy was sitting across from a woman and just harassing her. No one did a thing. Then the person sitting next to her got off the bus and I had this horrible feeling that he was going to move to sit next to her so I got up and asked her if she’d like me to sit next to her so he couldn’t. She smiled and said she was OK so I pointed to a seat nearby and told her I’d be… Read more »
When we do speak up we’re told that we’re awkward, incoherent, incapable communicators. Jokes aside, you have a point. Even the great Nelson Mandela failed to speak out against the rape culture overwhelmingly prevalent here in South Africa. Yet in your article you carefully skirt around the question of exactly what you expect “good men” to do about it.
Thanks, Michael, for your response – and also for the idea for my next post! I write a lot about different ways men (and women) can engage in conversations about sexual violence or support survivors – any particular areas that would be most practical for you?
Why do you put (and women) in parenthesis? Women are not any better at this than men and many women are silent, especially when it comes to male victims.
The answer to sexual violence against women has already been dismissed. It’s just too hard. So we will have to wait for technology to solve it for us. It will be here soon.
Another issue I think us with exploring is that there is a script and it becomes more important to follow the script than to have a conversation. How has that affected the conversation when in order to be an “ally” you have to say X ,Y, and Z. How many of these things are spoken from a place of understanding or clarity or belief? How many men who don’t believe these things and maybe are even predators / perpetrators who know they’re supposed to repeat these talking points and oh BTW repeating these things will make it easier to victimize… Read more »
Yes John very important distinction between “script” and “conversation”.
Men are being told not to join the conversation but rather we are given a script to follow and if we don’t follow it we are deemed the enemy.
@ Danny
One of the problems I think is that it becomes rote like saying your evening prayers or The Pledge of Allegiance. We know everything we’re supposed to say is contained in the Our Father, but how many people actually reflect on the words? How many people actually follow “as we forgive those who trespass against us”? How many people actually learned multiplication by memorizing their times tables?
The script I think is a lot more insidious than simply stiffing conversation. It stifles understanding. I’ve memorized the script so I’m a good guy and not an abuser.
Its simple. For the last few decades the conversation on sexual violence has firmly cast men in 2 positions. A man is either a protector of women or he is a violator of women. That’s pretty limiting because it defines men’s place in the conversation as a strict relation to women (I’m sure we agree that if there was a discussion that limited women’s in it as a relation to men it would be deemed bad). Unless he is protecting women or looking to violate women he doesn’t exist no matter what he says or how loud he speaks up… Read more »
Danny, thank you for writing all of this down here. I hear what you are saying. I write and speak about much of what you are saying. I want men and women to talk to each other about things that are hard, shameful, and stigmatized because it will help build those empathy and connection skills we all so desperately need. Men and women are both perpetrators of violence. Men and women are both victims. It’s not a zero-sum game. I guess the question I have is this: Does blame offer a solution to the many real challenges you outline? At… Read more »
Does blame offer a solution to the many real challenges you outline? No it doesn’t. Trying to point the finger of blame only makes things worse. Just look at how the discussion on violence has been for the last few decades. The very concept of sexual violence has been gendered so heavily that there is an implication that its male against female by default and all other forms of sexual violence are lesser crimes. 5 decades of “Its men’s fault” hasn’t worked so why do people insist on continuing down that path even as they claim to be supportive of… Read more »
I love the metaphor about suicide. YOU should write about that, if you haven’t already. And I also love the idea about diving into why men remain silent, building on this robust discussion here! Looking forward to continuing the conversation, Danny!
@ Sarah Beaulieu
“Does blame offer a solution to the many real challenges you outline?”
Blame absolves people of the responsibility of having to fix it. Feminists will blame men so women have no responsibility to fix it. MRAs will blame rapists (not men in general) so “good” men have no responsibility to fix it. MRAs will sometimes acknowledge men’s culpability as a group, but also blame women. I think that could either result in a feeling of shared responsibility or quite often it could mean that everybody does it so no one is responsible for fixing it.
Totally agree, John, that finding someone to blame absolves us of our own role in the solution. Would much rather focus on that – it’s a more interesting, and enriching conversation.
Generally women suffer more and more severe physical sexual violation.
I think we can acknowledge that these things are going to mean voicing very strong feelings. This won’t be pleasant or easy.
Which leads to a dilemma: people can react forcefully, people can feel they have to say the right thing – without having much sense of what it is or much experience of voicing it.
I very much agree that we need more men speaking up.
Generally women suffer more and more severe physical sexual violation. This seems to be a very common counter Evan. I reread my comment just in case just to make sure but I didn’t say anything about who suffers more when it comes to sexual violence. So I have to ask why bring up that women suffer more when I was only talking about how men are pigeonholed in the discourse on violence? I think we can acknowledge that these things are going to mean voicing very strong feelings. This won’t be pleasant or easy. But here is the difference. When… Read more »
Evan, what I appreciate about your comment here is the acknowledgement that we ALL have to get better at talking about sexual violence, and have compassion for each other – men and women – when words don’t come out perfectly or someone expresses an opinion we don’t fully understand.
Sorry Danny. I meant my comment to be on the post not on your comment n particular. I had a couple of motives for making the comment. 1. To clarify it is important to prioritise etc. 2. To counter some unhelpful statements by some in the men’s rights movement who argue that because men suffer violence also we are therefore entitled to equal treatment (and funding). This was the reason for the comment about intensity. That kind of argument I don’t think helps anyone. The complication: We don’t know the rates of abuse men suffer yet (we are a generation… Read more »
I had a couple of motives for making the comment. 1. To clarify it is important to prioritise etc. 2. To counter some unhelpful statements by some in the men’s rights movement who argue that because men suffer violence also we are therefore entitled to equal treatment (and funding). This was the reason for the comment about intensity. That kind of argument I don’t think helps anyone. With all due respect Evan that sounds like you had a knee jerk reaction. In fact I don’t think there are many MRAs around here and from the comments so far I don’t… Read more »
I don’t really know how to find a way to connect to each other, look survivors in the eyes, and create new conversations.
But I am pretty certain that starting off with implying that men, by and large, are stupid, ignorant, abusive, and simply lack empathy, is not it.
See John Anderson’s earlier answer.
Most men who do speak up, seem to be painting themself as an exception to other men in order to be acknowledged. Do we listen to men who simply speak from their own experience and emotions?
FlyingKal, if you thought I was implying that men are stupid, ignorant, and abusive, I’m so sorry! That’s not my feeling at all. And in terms of empathy, I think most of us – men and women – struggle with ways to turn our empathy into words, especially when it comes to topics like sexual violence. That’s why we need practice. I’ll totally listen to you, and any other man, who is speaking from his own experience and emotions.
Most men who do speak up, seem to be painting themself as an exception to other men in order to be acknowledged.
I notice this too. A lot of the men that speak on sexual violence usually do it from a place that says, “I’m an extraordinary man because I speak up” as if that makes him better than other men.
Sometimes it’s simply that the conversation is framed as men being the enemy. What if men did speak up? Would anyone listen to them? What if men have spoken up? How where they treated? How did other men react to witnessing it?
Yes, John, I totally agree. The call-out culture and blame game shuts down what could be productive, and healing, conversation, which is really too bad. That’s why I’m so committed to talking to men, and cultivating a space for positive and supportive conversations about sexual violence, and particularly, how to support survivors – male and female alike.
Your article seems to contradict that, Sarah.
John, at GMP, all men are the problem.
All very good questions.
It depends how it’s done of course. Some men have spoken up and some have been listened to.