A lot of people are sentimental about true love, a phrase that’s been sung about in so many songs, movies, and novels. But while young love stories are plentiful, the fact is that very few people ever experience this kind of connection. Why is that? Then what prevents finding true love?
The Illusion of Perfection
Too many come into the quest for love with far too much baggage, especially false expectations fashioned from romantic media portrayals. The complete opposite is drilled into our heads: Pure love is when you never have to budge or see conflict. Love requires that effort, patience, and embracing a flaw.
As author and poet Rainer Maria Rilke once said, “Love consists in this: that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
This is the point where people who have pursued love in its idealized form manifest and in doing so, they inevitably push down good, honest connections with those who don’t ‘fit the fantasy.’ It can become so relentless that it breeds loneliness as they dismiss potential partners exactly for the qualities they do want.
Fear of Vulnerability
Vulnerability is essential for true love, and this is hard. It’s easy to close your heart up and to guard it because you’ve been there before, you know and you don’t want to be rejected or to feel the pain of past experiences.
Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability, notes, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”
That fear can produce barriers that serve to block the possibility for authentic connections to take place.
In that moment, when we are afraid to open up, we also lose the chance to make real connections with people. We love ourselves when we allow ourselves to be seen and embraced for who we are, with all of our flaws.
The Influence of Past Trauma
Past experiences, determine how people interact in present relationships. Perhaps individuals who have experienced heartbreak, betrayal, and abandonment have struggled to trust again. With scars of previous relationships, self-sabotage can occur so that you also can not fully invest in new partners.
Psychologist John Gottman emphasizes the importance of trust in relationships: “Trust is built in very small moments.”
If someone carries the burden of past trauma, often they are unable to create those small things that help build trust and intimacy.
The Pursuit of Self-Discovery
While many are seeking love, they forget that self-discovery is so important. Self-love is true love, and true love comes from within you and is only present because of self-acceptance and personal growth. If we focus on becoming the person we want to develop, it will attract people to start a relationship with us who share our values and dreams.
As the poet Khalil Gibran wisely observed, “Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite.”
Until we get clear on who we are, we might spend time in relationships that do not serve us, giving us more time to find true love.
The Fast-Paced World of Dating
Dating these days has become a weird version of a whirlwind, mostly involving swipes and likes, instead of often meaningful connections. All these options can turn into a paradox of choice — where the sheer mounds of potential options bring choice paralysis and leave people feeling they may have missed out on something better.
It’s difficult to nail down deep, touching relationships with this endless cycle of wanting instant gratification.
“We live in a world where we are so busy that we’ve forgotten how to actually have a conversation,” says author and speaker Mark Manson.
We do not have to forget the importance of real connection through real meaningful dialogue as we pursue love.
The Path to True Love
It might seem impossible to find true love, but you can. The first step is to commit to self-awareness, vulnerability, and feeling fear and tackling it. We remove the defenses slowly and become receptive to love complexities which ultimately opens us to potential connection.
Love is not an end; it’s a process; we grow and learn, and we trust so much in love even when all the signs say to give up.
In the words of Maya Angelou, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
If not, it’s a blessing for many that they’ll never find true love, but those who are brave enough to look deeper and love who they truly are may find love that lasts a lifetime.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: freestocks on Unsplash
My husband and I are separated after forty-one years of marriage. When I was young and craving a boyfriend (not husband) what I really wanted was to be held. I don’t know if women were created fearful or what. Maybe God created us nervous and fearful because of motherhood…because we have to protect the little ones so making us edgy and fearful of predators causes us to become ferocious in our efforts to protect the babies. But I have always had a lot of fear issues, and I wanted a man to hold me and be physically close to me… Read more »