Why ‘Playing It Cool’ is Hurting Your Relationship and How to Show Both Rawness and Strength

If you have paid attention to the many social media advice around, you’ll notice how common it is to advise other women on becoming the “black cat” or having a poker face.

While there is some truth in it, taking it too strictly can actually be damaging to your relationship.

Why “playing it cool” can work

A woman who displays good self-control is often someone who has reached a level of emotional maturity and confidence. She’s not easily affected by anything and can leave any situation that is not aligned with her.

To a healthy partner, she is attractive and magnetic and can interact with him in a mature respectful way when needing to work on an issue. To an unhealthy partner, she is not a pushover and can walk away at any time.

In both cases, men would have higher respect and carefulness toward her as she wouldn’t stay in a situation that is not good for her anymore. If something is not working, she wouldn’t overly explain herself or even beg for her partner to stay. She would show others through mature action what happens as a consequence.

Why “playing it cool” actually doesn’t work so well

If you are naturally a “black cat energy” woman and already embody such inner strength authentically, then it can work perfectly for you.

However, when trying to fake it and act like a though woman comes from a place of inauthenticity, it can backfire and diminish the success of the relationship.

When we try to act as if nothing really bothers us, we are hiding our vulnerability behind a mask of protection.

It is actually a very masculine act, and it deprives our partner of the opportunity to truly see and understand our emotional needs, as well as the depth of the impact of a situation on us.

This is also a mask for how we are actually afraid of being left by another person if we were to truly be vulnerable towards them. Why are we so eager to act cool and put on a pocket face, if we aren’t afraid of being seen as too much for the other person and being abandoned?

A better alternative: authentic vulnerability and boundaries

I’ve been into personal development and spirituality for a few years now. And no, I’m not yet that woman with perfect emotional maturity and a perfect poker face. Inner work is something that takes time, maturity is something that we earn as we learn how to navigate in life and relationships.

I used to be afraid of being too much. Perhaps to a degree I still do. But now I choose to be as vulnerable as I can and let my emotions be visible if a situation hurts me. I cry in front of a man and I also share with him how something might make me feel.

I choose to be seen in my authentic self. I’m not a secret agent nor a mistress intending to seduce my partner, I’m a partner to my partner who is looking for an authentic connection.

This is not to be confused with being emotionally reactive or feeling that it’s ok to throw my emotions at him. If I’m angry or upset, it’s ok to show him how I’m feeling, without disrespecting him.

If someone genuinely cares for us, they would want to know how we are impacted by their actions or situations.

And only by seeing it through our raw vulnerability, they can truly understand it.

We are also humans with a full range of emotions. Why do we really need to try so hard to hide them, when they are part of our human nature?

Perhaps it is because when we show how vulnerable we are toward someone, by letting them know how affected we can be by them, we are showing them how much power they have over us.

But isn’t it something important in relationships? When we get together, and show the more tender parts of ourselves. And when we form attachments with each other. We will always hand over a degree of power over us to each other.

The key is to know that we can be safe to trust that both sides have the best intentions and care when having this power. We have the power to destroy one another, just as we have the power to heal and nurture one another.

Another important aspect is that while I can be vulnerable with my partner, he also knows that I can still walk away if I’m not ok with something at all.

I can be authentic with how I feel, with how much hurt he has caused me. I can cry and tell him how I felt heartbroken, and how I love and care for him. But I can also decide to walk away if I find something unacceptable and there’s no workaround.

And I believe that both showing raw vulnerability and walking away require much more inner strength than trying to put up a poker face.

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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:

Black Cat Or Golden Retriever? What I Learned About Attracting Men

Breaking Up — Sometimes, the Only Way to Save a Relationship

How I Was Able to Manifest Him Back Into My Life

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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