Why We Should Be Excited When Our Children Make Mistakes

Making a mistake was unacceptable — and his self  punishment went from banging his head to attempted suicide. Is that what we want for our kids?  

—

I stagger out of the Principal’s office trembling. I’m in the fifth grade and for the first time in my elementary school history I was sent to the Principal’s office.

Queue impending doom music. My reason for being there? I had foolishly given my best friend’s younger brother, Tom (not his real name) extra game tokens during a school fair not knowing the teachers were going to check how many tokens each child had. So when they found out Tom had over the limit his playing privileges were taken away. Watching him cry tore me up inside and drove me to do what I knew was right.

After confessing to the teacher I was sent to the Principal’s office where I received a talk. There wasn’t any yelling or threatening of calling parents, just a reminder not to do it again. But I took it hard because I felt like that mistake reflected on who I was as a person. That childlike action was interpreted by me as a sign that I was a bad person. Something I had been fighting against, since I realized I didn’t want to be like my father and in that moment making that mistake meant I was just like him. A bad person who didn’t deserve to live.

When I walked out I was greeted by my best friend, Pete (not real name) whose brother I had gotten into trouble. He knew I was hurting and tried to console me, telling me that everything was going to be OK. He wasn’t mad and his younger brother would be fine. Those words still couldn’t squelch my internal fury at myself. So as we walked down the long empty hallway to my classroom I did what any sane person would do, I started banging my head on every single pole along the way. I banged it so hard that I could hear the ringing in the hollow pipe that held up the low hanging roof that covered the walkway.

Pete tried to stop me but I wouldn’t relent as every bang brought a feeling of satisfaction. I was punishing myself and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to stop me. Luckily as we drew closer to my classroom I started feeling a little dizzy from the head banging so I stopped by the nearest restroom to wash up. With concern written all over his face Pete made me promise that I would be at his birthday sleepover that night.

I would keep that promise and make it for his party. Later on that night he told me how worried he was for my safety. He thought I was going to kill myself because of the way I was behaving. I was only in the fifth grade and I had already shown symptoms of the self hate that would drive me to attempt suicide twice in the future.

◊♦◊

Looking back at myself through my lens as a father my heart aches for that child. Why did I feel so devastated by such a small act of disobedience? No one really got hurt and the punishment hadn’t been severe. So why did I deserve to die?

It was because I had a need to be perfect. I needed to be a good boy because I didn’t want to be bad and I had already experienced the pain rule breakers can cause because of my father. My mind was so black and white at the time that I couldn’t see the difference between myself and my father. This frame of thinking is what would lead to future incidents where I failed and inflicted punishment upon myself.

In the end, we are all imperfect and if we believe that then we should celebrate our children’s failures. We need to use it as a learning experience because they need to know how to deal with failure so they don’t head butt a wall like I did. In addition, parents should have a conversation with their children and find out how they feel when they fail. Don’t assume you know why. I know nobody in my family would have guessed my reasoning. Talk with your child and you’ll know how to proceed when they make mistakes.

Please take it easy on your kids and remember you’re not perfect either.

Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men? 
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.

—

Photo: Getty Images