My friend Travis is wife-shopping. He wants a family and wants to meet the woman who will be his partner into the future and have babies with him. But Travis is also somewhat of an opportunist when it comes to dating — if he’s out with a woman who isn’t aligned with his future goals, but still wants to casually date him or enter into an FWB (friends with benefits) situation, he’ll set aside his actual goals and desires for his future and take her up on that. He’s temporarily satisfied in the moment because he fulfilled his physical needs short-term, but it distracts him from dating women who might be better aligned with what he’s looking for, and he then laments that he’s having a hard time finding his future wife.
He just started dating someone who has completely smitten him. She’s intelligent, active, funny, and he’s extremely attracted to her. The potential issue? She might not want kids. He’s afraid to bring up the topic in a direct way because if she confirms that they aren’t in alignment, he’ll have to consider acting on that information, and he’s currently attached to the idea of her. His last long-term relationship was also with a woman who didn’t ever want kids, and he continued to date her for several years after knowing this.
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Charlotte is in an on-again, off-again relationship with her boyfriend of two and a half years. They live together and have discussed eventually getting married and having a family (in an abstract way) but get into fights weekly because their timelines are very different. She wants babies five years ago and he’s thinking maybe five years in the future.
The last time Charlotte and her boyfriend broke up, she pointed out to him that they were on very different timelines; She told him that her priorities for the next 2 years were to buy a house, get married, and have kids. He professes to like those goals in theory but is not currently interested in working to make them a reality in the next two years.
I listened to Charlotte cry for months after the most recent breakup. He was the most attractive man she’d ever dated. He was the sweetest. They enjoyed similar hobbies. She was worried that she’d never be as physically attracted to anyone else as she was to him (do you see a theme here?).
I reminded her that just because he was the best she’d dated — so far — didn’t mean that he was the best she’d ever date. And, this would give her an opportunity to elevate her standards about how she wants to be treated in a relationship, and find someone who is aligned with her goals and approximate timeline.
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Travis is afraid his new girlfriend will say she definitely doesn’t want kids and that will mean an eventual ending to what has started off as a pretty great relationship for him. Charlotte just missed her boyfriend too much and after 6 months apart (during which they talked weekly and he went out to see what else was out there before crawling back to her), he moved back in with her, though for now, they continue to struggle and bicker about timelines.
When they’ve come to me for advice, I’ve suggested to both Travis and Charlotte that they hold firm to their boundaries: If someone isn’t on the same page regarding the big issues (like financial goals or marriage or kids) then don’t waste your time and theirs if you know you diverge.
That will only lead to heartbreak.
But we each have our own journey. I’m reminding myself that it takes some people longer to realize why standards and boundaries are necessary in dating, and my task as a friend is to remain supportive and non-judgmental.
I just hope things work out for each of them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Eric Ward for Unsplash
