Woman Describes Why She Turned Down a 'Good Dude'

Tons of men have the misconception that being tall and handsome is the end-all-be-all of dating. As long as you’ve got those good genes, women will be all over you, right?

Well, as I have said time and time and time again, wrong.

Having good looks like that is just one of many, many ways of getting your foot in the door. There are tons of other ways to get your foot in that door, and various other equally important communication skills you need to learn in order to stay welcome in the room.

That is a fundamental truth about women that incels just can’t seem to accept.

Take James (not his real name), for example.

He’s the star of this very insightful article by another writer here, K. T. Fox:

Perfectly Valid Reasons Why I Turned Down a Good Dude
Modern Men can learn from his easily avoidable mistakes
medium.com

James is described as tall and handsome. He’s also got other great things going for him that makes K. T. describe him as a “good dude” in her title.

“He is what some women would describe as tall and handsome. He is funny and easy to have a conversation with. We have common interests. Because of these common interests, we exchanged phone numbers.”

So far so good. What went wrong?

1. He was desperate.

“Well, first of all, he made it known that he was single. It’s okay to disclose this info, but HOW you disclose it matters greatly…What is not okay? Whining about it. Whining about how people react to it. Whining about your ex constantly. Whining about how your family treats you in regards to it during a general unrelated conversation. We are not our relationship status, my dude.”

When I used to be a whiny, self-pitying goth kid in middle school or high school, I believed somewhere in the back of my head that I could get girls to like me if I appealed to their compassion and empathy by showing how desperate I was.

Little did I know that any sort of desperation is one of the least attractive things in the world to women. It’s a huge turn-off.

Of course this was a mistake on James’s part. He was desperate and his whining made that abundantly clear.

An attractive man is one who is completely comfortable being in his own skin, whether he’s single or not. James demonstrated that he is not that man.

“But I thought I was supposed to ‘just be myself,’ as everyone keeps telling me. I actually am lonely and desperate. Are you telling me that I should pretend to be someone else?” you might be asking.

I’m not saying that you should pretend to be someone else, but self-improvement begins in the mind. Begin to adopt an abundance mentality:

Think Like a Woman, Act Like a Man
How any man can become a certified Casanova in just 21 days
medium.com

Once you start doing that, it will become hundreds of times easier to express the genuine parts of yourself that are more relaxed and confident (i.e. attractive).

Now let’s get back to James.

2. He was trying to play checkers on a chess board.

“Upon getting my contact info, he contacted me repeatedly to hang out. I was not interested in hanging out alone with someone who only spoke with me once and obviously liked me. I HATE when guys do this…What is so fucking urgent about needing to hang out with me alone in a private environment after talking to me ONCE?…I need to see how you react to not getting your way from someone else who isn’t me. How do you treat other people when you don’t have a crush on them?”

Something I didn’t mention yet: James was a new coworker of K. T. Fox.

In my personal opinion, that means he shouldn’t have been romantically or sexually pursuing her in the first place. “Don’t dip your pen in the company ink,” as they say. Or “Don’t sh*t where you eat,” if you prefer.

However, if you do decide to pursue a woman who is in — or close to — your social circles, work-related groups, or any sort of community you’re in, there’s a different contextually appropriate way to go about it.

If you approach a random woman on the street or in a bar, it makes sense to show romantic or sexual interest fairly soon, and to arrange for a date after meeting just that one time if she reciprocates some interest. You’re just strangers who may otherwise never see each other again, after all. The chance may slip through your fingers if you don’t move things along with speed and intention.

When it comes to women you must interact with on any sort of regular basis, though, the rules of the game change pretty drastically.

First of all, you need to think about the potential consequences that affect her in addition to any that may directly affect you. After all, any consequences to her will ultimately reflect on you. This means any sort of romantic or sexual involvement must begin gradually with stronger foundations of trust and attraction.

Second, you have the luxury of having the mere exposure effect do some of the foundational work of attraction for you in these kinds of situations, but you need to give it time for it to do its work. If you move too fast and get rejected early for whatever reason, this effect will be canceled out.

In short, James was taking the one-night-stand approach in a situation that called for a relationship-building approach.

This also exacerbated the impression of him being desperate, compounding the “ick” K. T. must have felt.

Sometimes, this checkers approach still works on some chess boards.

Some women in James’s social circles, workplaces, or communities will be as immediately interested in him as he would be in them. Things might work out in such cases.

However, he’d still need to make sure that the woman is reciprocating at least some clear signs of interest first. It was clear through K. T. Fox’s piece that was not the case.

Confused on how to tell if a woman is actually interested in you? Read this next:

How to Actually Tell If She’s Interested In You
Don’t “make your move” until she passes this test
medium.com

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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