Women Often Fall for These Traps and Regret Them Later

Looking back it felt exciting being young and in love. I fell in love with every cute smile that caught my attention but was quick to fall out of it at the first sign of bad behavior.

I spent my late twenties and early thirties juggling relationships that fell under the same pattern.

We start out madly in love, then love fades, we argue, we grow apart and it ends unceremoniously.

Most of these relationships should have ended sooner than they did but I didn’t have the mental fortitude to end them when I should.

In the beginning, I thought they were “the one” but they turned out to be cruel, self-centered or unserious. Some of these relations left me with scars and questioned my self-esteem.

So many times we think by not leaving a bad relationship, by trying to make it work, we are building the courage to handle the challenges that come with marriage.

Every time I get hit with the reality when they gaslight me or disappear for a while, I would excuse their behavior. “He will come around,” I’d say to myself. “Maybe he’s having a bad day, ” “He’s being good to me. I will give me another chance.”

But it never ended with just one chance. And the more I chances I gave the more I lost pieces of me. Until, I was broken. I was frustrated, bitter and pitiful.

I changed from someone who was happy with herself to someone who barely recognized herself in the mirror. I lost both my self-respect and my ability to trust another person.

I have always thought that relationships make us greater. I wanted synergy. I wanted to be one-half of a power couple. Sadly, it took me many years, and many stagnant relationships, to do something about it.

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Susan saw the red flags earlier but she was already deeply in love and blinded by his charms. “He won’t hurt me,” she tried to convince herself.

He didn’t want her out of his sight. He didn’t want her around her family and friends. He told her he was the only one who knew what was best for her. Little did she know that the control was the tip of the iceberg.

He followed her to work and would stay there until her shift was over. He never allowed her to have a mobile phone and would take the landline cord with him when he left the house.

He didn’t give her keys to the house either. So she stayed outside waiting for him when she comes home earlier than him and would leave when he leaves.

Susan’s marriage was hell. She was emotionally and physically abused for three years. But to outsiders, they were the perfect couple. He would pretend to be caring whenever Susan’s sister came to visit.

Susan felt trapped and couldn’t ask for help because he had threatened to kill her and their two-year-old daughter if she did.

Every day became more difficult to get by. She had lost her identity, her dreams and no future to look forward to.

Most times when we enter a relationship with the wrong person, we do not realize it until way down the line, when we feel flat-out trapped and unable to get out.

Being stuck in an unhappy relationship can have profound effects on our mental, emotional and even physical well-being.

It can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression and a general sense of dissatisfaction in life.

Relationships that lack mutual respect, emotional support and shared values can drain our energy.

To save you from getting stuck with the wrong person, here are some traps you need to avoid.

Afraid of the unknown

We stick around an unhealthy relationship for far too long because we do not have the mental capacity to think beyond the current situation.

We are afraid of change, even when it holds chances of a better option. We choose to stay in the comfort of the familiar setting because we think leaving will mean getting involved with someone worse.

Fear is a trap. It keeps you locked in and prevents you from exploring other options. You need to remind yourself that you deserve a relationship that nurtures your well-being.

Show yourself compassion and seek support from friends or therapist to help you get over your fears and do what’s best for you.

Beating yourself up with regrets

Sometimes when a relationship fails, we blame ourselves. We think of the things we could have done differently (that may or may not have) to save the relationship and we stay to try and fix things.

The reality is that it takes two to make a relationship work. Regretting what you couldn’t do doesn’t fix anything, it only puts you in more danger when you are with the wrong person.

Instead of getting trapped in the regrets limbo, try to reassess what regrets mean to you.

Stop whining about the things you didn’t do, instead see the things you did as necessary actions for growth.

You need to acknowledge that taking action and prioritizing your well-being are courageous efforts.

Even though your actions do not always lead to the desired results, they are lessons for your personal growth and happiness.

Compromising your non-negotiable

Everyone has that point where they draw the line on how much they can handle in a relationship.

It’s important to have a solid list of what to expect from your ideal partner and what you can sacrifice in order to have a healthy relationship with your partner.

However, too often we bridge that gap between what we can tolerate and what we cannot. This can create opportunities for abuse.

For example, you may hate physical violence and one day your partner hits you in a bit of rage over an irrelevant problem.

For some people this should have been a deal Breaker but you forgive him after he apologised and promised not to do it again.

The problem is they will hit you again and again because you have demonstrated weakness in your boundaries. This makes you vulnerable to subsequent attacks both financially and emotionally.

When you know what you deserve, you will refuse to compromise your well-being and safety.

To help you avoid these relationship traps write a mission statement including what you hope to achieve in the relationship, what you intend to contribute, list your negotiable and non negotiable and stick to it.

If you notice your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, address the issue immediately and give them time to fix it.

But if you do not see any significant improvements, that’s your cue to check out other options. Staying with someone who doesn’t prioritize your well-being is just as bad as shutting the door to better opportunities.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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