Yes, Monogamy Can Be Toxic: 9 Behaviors Encouraged and Promoted by Society

The word “toxic” has become synonymous with unhealthy relationships.

But did you know the term can also be used to describe undesirable elements of monogamy, more specifically, the culture and practices surrounding romantic exclusivity?

Below is a list of behaviors society actively promotes that contribute to toxic monogamy culture, along with a healthy alternative for comparison.

Before I begin, I feel it’s important to highlight that these behaviors are not exclusive to monogamy, they are endemic. And while some of them can contribute to a toxic environment, their presence does not necessarily mean the relationship is dysfunctional.

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1.
Toxic monogamy: looking at, associating with, or even lightheartedly flirting with the opposite sex constitutes cheating.

Healthy monogamy: demanding dissociation from half of the world’s population is unrealistic. Platonic friendships, even if they include playful banter, are no threat to relationships built on a solid foundation of trust and respect.

2.
Toxic monogamy: any feelings of romantic attraction to the opposite sex is an automatic relationship crisis.

Healthy monogamy: attraction, sexual or otherwise, to the opposite sex is inevitable. We are, after all, biologically hardwired to find different people attractive. But as adults, we also have the capacity for self-control. Just because these urges exist does not mean we have to act on them.

3.
Toxic monogamy: clamoring for exclusivity and commitment as quickly as possible.

Healthy monogamy: commitment and exclusivity are not synonymous; you can have one without the other, or both simultaneously, or one after the other — it all depends. Either way, both shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Sometimes, taking the time to figure out if this is the right person can save you a ton of headaches later on.

4.
Toxic monogamy: any close contact with the ex is a no-no.

Healthy monogamy: just because a romantic relationship didn’t work out doesn’t automatically mean we have to discard a connection with that person. People can move on to new relationships and honor the boundaries of that relationship while still maintaining a friendship with an ex.

5.
Toxic monogamy: our partner must be our everything: best friend, lover, therapist, confidant, and sole source of emotional and mental support.

Healthy monogamy: no single human can be everything to one person. Not unless your partner is a clone of yourself with an identical personality and interests. A better approach would be to have different needs
met by friends, family, and acquaintances.

6.
Toxic monogamy: we must include each other in everything we do, any request for personal space or privacy is a sign the relationship is in trouble.

Healthy monogamy: a healthy partnership involves respecting the other party’s privacy and autonomy. You don’t need to know every minute detail of their life as if you are joined at the hip. Having the independence to pursue interests outside the relationship is essential for personal growth; it doesn’t mean foul play is afoot.

7.
Toxic monogamy: if you love your partner, you should never get bored with the sex (nor desire to have it with anyone else, ever.)

Healthy monogamy: sex with the same person over and over for years on end can get stale, and that’s a fact. But monotonous sex is not a reflection of the quality of the relationship. There could be other reasons for it unrelated to love. Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of proactive communication to get things back on track.

8.
Toxic monogamy: prior sexual history is a predictor of potential faithfulness in the future.

Healthy monogamy: body count or sexual history is no indicator of the ability to commit and remain faithful. Faithfulness is a conscious choice based on values within a relationship. People can learn and grow from their experiences such that someone who was not ready for commitment in the past might be now.

9.
Toxic monogamy: jealousy is a sign of love.

Healthy monogamy: while jealousy might be okay in small doses, even in well-adjusted individuals, anything more than that is problematic. Excessive jealousy is usually a symptom of underlying insecurity and a lack of confidence in the relationship rather than love. These feelings are often driven by a sense of ownership and a desire to control the other person’s actions, which can lead to acts of possessiveness or even abuse.

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Wrap up

Do you know any other toxic behaviors common to monogamy that I might have missed? Or maybe you disagree with the whole concept. I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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