It’s time to think about self-motivation in a way that actually works.
If you struggle to do things that are important to you, chances are you’ve got a pretty harsh inner monologue going. This is the voice saying stuff like, Why can’t you get your act together? You’re wasting another day. None of this is good enough.
Even if you’ve never noticed this voice before, it probably makes a certain sense that it’s there. For most of us, it feels self-evident that the only way to do better is to be constantly reminded of how substandard our performance has been so far.
There are a lot of reasons that this kind of harsh self-criticism can look like the obvious approach to behavioral change, from our brains’ inbuilt negativity bias to the popular stories we tell about personal transformation. Together, these factors create the conviction the only way to change is to be as punitive and exacting as possible.
Basically, our primary model of self-motivation looks a lot like the quintessential asshole drill sergeant, screaming in our faces forever.
That wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, if this model was actually an effective tool for changing ourselves in positive ways.
But what I call the Mean Motivation Fantasy is exactly that. It’s a mirage that promises huge improvement and delivers nothing beyond an unending litany of our supposed flaws and failures.
It’s high time we think about self-motivation in a way that works instead.
Why Mean Motivation Fails
Imagine you’ve just gotten a scathing review from your boss at work. Do you feel pumped and ready to take on an intimidating new project? Or do you feel demoralized and ready to take a pint of ice cream to bed? For the vast majority of us, it’s some version of the latter.
Now imagine a miniature version of this scenario happening on repeat, as we keep trying to motivate ourselves by pointing out how crappy we are. When we say harsh things to ourselves, we generate negative feelings. Negative feelings make us to recoil from whatever caused them, because that’s the hardwired human reaction to pain. But when this pain is coming from our own self-talk, we wind up recoiling from the inside of our own heads — i.e., distracting ourselves as soon as possible. Which then causes more self-criticism, more negative feelings and more inner recoil.
In effect, Mean Motivation sets us up to do perpetual battle with one of the most powerful urges we have as humans: the impulse to avoid pain. We’re trying to move ourselves forward via emotions specifically designed to induce retreat. Which means we accidentally put avoidance at the very center of our attempt to make progress. It’s as if we’ve installed an electric fence around the exact place that we most want to go.
You know the saying, Fall down nine times, stand up ten? When we’re caught in the cycle of inner recoil, it’s like knocking ourselves down nine times a minute. Yes, it’s possible to keep standing up, at least for now. But wouldn’t it work better if we just stopped knocking ourselves down instead?
The First Objection
At this point, you can probably see why the Mean Motivation approach to self-transformation must be holding you back, at least in theory. Getting from theory to reality usually requires addressing two key objections.
First, most of us believe we’ve seen Mean Motivation succeed in the past — and not just in the movies. We’ve remember tough teachers and sports coaches who pushed hard us and got good results.
But what we miss in these memories are the implicit forms of encouragement that get delivered alongside the harsh feedback. The swim coach may make blistering comments about your backstroke, but they also marshal you through the extra drills to fix it. Every day, their actions tell you, You’re worth my time and effort and I know you can do better than this. Similar positive messages get conveyed by the camaraderie of your teammates and the proven structure of the training — things like, You’re not alone in this. Just keep trying. This struggle will pay off.
Every time tough feedback knocks you back, this positive messaging is there to buoy you up. It keeps you from getting caught in that cycle of inner recoil. Which means you can identify what’s useful about the criticism and get yourself back to work.
When we try to use Mean Motivation on ourselves, the only thing we keep from this scenario is the harsh feedback. Every other crucial element is lacking, from the camaraderie to the structure to the implicit messages of positive belief. Trying to use Mean Motivation on yourself is the equivalent of having a swim coach who hands you a list of your performance flaws, tells you to recite it every six seconds, and then disappears for the rest of the year.
No one would join this team, much less expect it to win anything. Yet this is exactly what we do when we try to use Mean Motivation in our own heads. And without the buoying presence of a positive framework, all that harsh feedback does not produce energy and grit. It produces a person who is exhausted, demoralized and close to giving up. Which, if you’ve been using Mean Motivation for a while, probably sounds familiar.
The second objection — and the solution
There’s an obvious solution to the inner-recoil cycle generated by Mean Motivation. Talk nicely to yourself. As in: use encouraging words. Remind yourself of your past successes. Take breaks and provide treats. Basically, all the things that you would do as a matter of course if you weren’t dealing with yourself.
If this solution doesn’t look that obvious, just consider: if you were trying to motivate a mentee or train an animal or get a child to do their homework, would you choose the constant-mean-yelling approach to get the results you wanted? Or would you instantly recognize that method as wildly counterproductive?
The reason we miss the obvious when it comes self-motivation has to do with the second objection I mentioned, which comes down to a belief about ourselves.
Because we don’t know about the cycle of inner recoil, we put all our struggles with avoidance down to some essential flaw in us. And because we’re convinced Mean Motivation works, we think that harsh self-criticism is the only thing keeping that flaw from doing even more damage. Which means getting rid of the inner drill sergeant looks a lot like giving up on ourselves entirely — like just rolling over and allowing our avoidance win forever.
In fact, the opposite is true.
The reason you haven’t given up has nothing to do with Mean Motivation. It has to do with the part of you that has held on despite the Mean Motivation regime. That’s the part that has spent endless days — hell, endless years — being zapped by the electric fence and then waking to do it again.
This is the part of us that’s awake at 3 a.m. demanding that we revise the novel or launch the app or apply for the promotion. It’s what pushes us to try another planner or read the next productivity book, even when the last 47 didn’t help. It’s what drives people to my events in their 80s, because they can’t give up while there’s still time left.
There is nothing remotely self-indulgent about this part of us. It’s not warm or fuzzy. It is steely and relentless. No matter how long the struggle with avoidance goes on, this part of us stays ruthlessly focused on what we can achieve at our best, and it never, ever lets us give up. It’s like the fricking Terminator of using our talents.
Frankly, if you think there’s a chance in hell that this inner Terminator is ever going to cosign you just lying on the couch eating Doritos forever, then you need to start paying closer attention. It has refused to quit no matter how many thousands of times Mean Motivation has knocked you back. It’s certainly not going to throw in the towel just because you decide to experiment with insulting yourself less.
You’re not going to go off the rails if you give up on Mean Motivation. In fact, you’re going to release the brakes, because you won’t be wasting all that energy and endurance on the cycle of inner recoil. When you stop inadvertently creating so much avoidance, you’ll be astonished how much forward momentum you have.
It’s true that it takes guts to jettison Mean Motivation when it feels so habitual and trusted. And it also takes determination and effort to shift your internal monologue from self-attacking to supportive. But without guts and determination, you would never have withstood the cycle of inner recoil for so long. No one adopts the Mean Motivation approach without being up for a challenge.
So here’s the new challenge:
Stop trying to kick your own ass.
Be bold enough to leave the Mean Motivation Fantasy behind. Find out what you can do when you’re not fighting a self-generated headwind every damn day of your life.
And then go out and kick ass in the world instead.
…
Get Next Steps!
Want specific next steps for escaping the Mean Motivation cycle? Grab a place at my free event, Drill Sergeant vs. Terminator: A Workshop Showdown. Learn more and sign up here.
This piece is part of series on creative blocks. You can read other entries here.
About me
I’m a coach, a professor and a writer. My specialty is helping smart people with big talents get out of their own way. A few places currently remain for the October 2023 intake for Blazing Talents, my ultra-intensive small-group programme. Learn more and get on the list here.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Joel Rivera-Camacho on Unsplash
