Your Love Language Needs an Update: A Feminist’s Alterations to “The Big 5”

I was recently in a date-ish situation, which I was clearly not as invested in, as my counterpart. It had previously become obvious to me that he wanted this to be “more” than a simple hang-out, so I tried to derail him with the force of a wrecking ball. But since male determination is incredibly blind, all efforts were in vain.

Consequently, on the day of the meeting, he was dead set on squeezing my love language out of me. Mind you, his ability to switch from a dark painting on war to “What are your love languages?”, was actually astonishing. Astonishingly stupid and obvious.

So, in his determination, he proclaimed his love languages first. Points for bravery, but also helplessly and bluntly strategic. Honestly, I don’t even remember what they were. Afterward, he proceeded to pull each and every single answer from this list from me:

Word of affirmation: Hell no, I know what I am, I need no one to tell me so. Plus, compliments cringe me out.
Acts of service: Sure you can, but I am quite capable myself. So thanks, no thanks.
Presents: Do I look like a materialistic Gucci bitch to you? There are few other insults I hate as much.
Physical Touch: Oooh, how he wished I said yes to that one. You should’ve seen the sparkle in those starved eyes.
Quality Time: Actually yeah. I do like that. There’s nothing to argue with, but I have enough of that with friends, so I don’t need a boyfriend for it.

Finally, he diagnosed me with “inexperience and naiveness”, meaning I had never experienced love truly. Thankfully, he was the knight in shining armor to teach me. My lack of “true love” must clearly be why I don’t seem to empathize with this set of five attraction mechanisms. Not the shallowness of them.

As I made my graceful escape from that very same meeting hours later, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why is it, that love languages don’t seem to apply to me? Other than physical touch maybe, but I will NOT tell a man straight up, I am not suicidal. So I did some digging and turns out, the messed up one isn’t me, but the man who asked me. And here’s why…

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The Problem with Love Languages

Initially, as I was reflecting on the purpose of love languages, I made a strange discovery: Why do they sound like they were written by a misogynistic man, who would like to convince his wife to do the dishes? Here’s what I mean:

Words of affirmation: I have known more men than I can count that were so desperately waiting for some ego-stroking. Actually, I am cornered, inside out, by one of them. *sigh*
Presents: This one sounds exactly like all of those stereotypes of “the guy in finance”. I wonder whether any woman, with the ability to reflect on the fleeting nature of materialistic goods, would choose this.
Acts of Service: In the original book of the “love languages”, the description is a wife cooking for her husband or a man helping a woman carry heavy stuff. *coughs in misogynism* Thanks, but I am strong enough myself.
Physical Touch: If a woman had labeled this love language it would be “loving touch” or “caring embraces”, not “physical” touch. I mean, “let’s get physical” really rings only one bell in my mind: The red one that reads “ALARM”.
Quality Time: Compared to the others, this one seems like bread-crumbing. Couldn’t get any of the others? Well, you can always have quality time…

So at this point, I was beyond curious about who had proposed these love languages in the first place. Was it a man or a woman?

Turns out, HIS name is Gary Chapman and he is a Baptist pastor. Shocker! His ideas of the five love languages and how everyone has a primary and secondary love language stem from his experience in counseling couples in his church. They came to him to seek advice for their marriage and after a lot of positive feedback, he summarized what he learned in his book “The Five Love Languages”.

He uses examples from his counseling sessions to illustrate the use of love languages, and honestly, most of those sound like psychological crime stories to an empowered female. Like a woman being grateful to the author for telling her to “thank her husband for every chore he completed”. The book was written in 1992, so that adds to some of the questionable wording.

An extra little tidbit about this book is that there is actually very little scientific evidence for this theory. Unsurprisingly. I wish that no one had studied it thus far, because it just proves this theory’s impact. But actually, several studies have delved into this concept and found mixed results at best.

One up-to-date review comes from “Current Directions in Psychological Science”, which was published in 2024. The book argues that there are more than 5 love languages and people do not necessarily have one primary one. The researchers suggest that partners have an intricate discussion about what they like and don’t like rather than honing it into the five love languages.

Crazy right? They say exactly what everyone was doing by nature before. But then, why do people love the “love languages” so much?

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Adding to common love-languages

The short answer is that humans love definite answers and simplified realities. It is so much easier to say yes and no to a list of five traits than having an intricate discussion about what you like and don’t like in a partner.

Admittedly, these five love languages are actually good conversation starters for getting into deeper topics. Unless you f*** up the transition obviously. But I request that we add to the list, to at least reflect some more intricate relationship concepts.

The following four categories arose from studying my personal Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha (go watch “Sex and the City” if you don’t get it). I asked them about their love languages and consequently what they would value in a real relationship:

1.Inspiration and Drive — The Ketchup Boy

This one has a weird name, I know, but stick with me. Have you ever bought that “organic ketchup” in a glass bottle, only to dunk it on your plate and find that it is too liquid? It spreads all across your other food and you have a hard time catching it with a frie quickly enough. Yet, in actual matter of fact, it doesn’t run from your plate. It never will.

I want someone who inspires me to move, do new things, and eat that next frie. Yet, I don’t want to be hustling behind them, trying to catch up and burning out in the process. It is a comfortable kind of wind in your back, pushing you, casually. In a healthy way. Because eventually, they are going to stay on my plate, but they encourage me to keep going. And maybe they consist of 5% more real tomatoes than other ketchup’s do.

2. Unconditional Safety — The Alibi

The inspiration for this one came from the Charlotte in my life. And in retrospect, I can really empathize with it. As my friends suggested this, I will quote how she explained it, to give her credit:

“I want someone who I am safe with. Like, someone who will protect me when people think I killed someone. Someone who trusts me uncontditionally.”

This way of saying it certainly made me worry for my life, sitting there in a cafe with her, but I understand what she means. Someone who will have your back, no matter who or what you are faced with. It is a feeling of security, but simultaneous independence.

3. Emotional Support — The Hypeman

This one is a bit different, in that it is not directed outward, but rather targets how you treat each other. If you have a “hypeman” at home, it means that he will cheer you on and support you without overstepping.

A man who provides emotional support would ask you about how your business is doing, without wanting to gain from it or pose their own business ideas subsequentially.

Also, a “hypeman” is someone you can rant with. If your emotions are down, he will understand. And he will also start bit**ing about that Kevin in your life. Because you need the support right now, not because Kevin is really that awful. That doesn’t matter right now.

4. Spontaneous Craziness — The Race-Car

In German, there is the phrase “Ein Freund zum Pferde stehlen”, which literally means, “a friend to steal horses with”. What it illustrates is that this friend is someone who will do the craziest things with you. Like stealing a horse, which is NOT easy or normal.

I want someone who will do crazy things with me and at a crazy time. I want a guy that I have no issue planning a date with because whatever goes, goes. And if we don’t make it to the restaurant? Never mind, we had a good time running there.

I want a guy who I can text at 11 pm: “You know, I need coffee really bad.” And he doesn’t buy me a coffee, but texts me: “Ok, let’s meet at the park and have 7–11 coffee.” I care not about the present, act of service, or quality time aspect of it, but I appreciate the spontaneous craziness.

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The dark side of love languages

“Your love language reversed is your toxic trait”, is something that recently sparked my interest, as I was mindlessly scrolling through reels. And it is true, that as a person with low self-esteem and limiting belief systems, you might need that love language from a partner to balance you out.

So love languages might actually be a very good way to turn inwards and reflect on the little tears of your inner child. Take my hate for words of affirmation as an example: I should learn how to take compliments. But I should also learn to be less dependent on other people providing me with quality time.

But just because you use my love language, won’t make me love you! That is something that the guy at the beginning of this article did not seem to put up with. I appreciate that he kept his distance mostly after I told him that physical touch was not my love language, but if that is the threshold for a good guy, then we are setting the standard very low.

Yet at the same time, I seem to interpret my love languages, quality time, drive, and spontaneity, into my crush. Even when he doesn’t really show them. The other day I said to my friend:

“I guess that is why I fell for HIM so hard, is because we spend so much quality time together. We laugh so much each time we are together.”

Her response was simple, yet sharp:

“Yeah right, that is why you keep complaining about him pushing around your meet-ups. Because he really provides such good quality time.”

These shots were fired over a too-mild coffee and hit their target. In summary what I want to point out is, that love languages are not relationship-magic. They are an entryway to a deeper conversation and definitely an opportunity to learn about yourself. Also, they are great for deceiving yourself if you are not careful.

But don’t mistake them for the answer to your relationship issues. That one, you’ll have to figure out yourself. And for all the guys out there: The love language physical touch is not an excuse for abuse. Just in case you care to know…

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I hope you had this article with a heart-warming cappuccino, I certainly had one as I was writing this piece. Which of my female love languages do you share, or do you have another one? I am very curious to know!

I send a warm hug from my mug to yours, see you next time!

Hug in a Mug 🙂

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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