You’re Not a Safe White Person if You “Don’t See Color”

This is one time where I don’t even need to cite a timely news story. No matter when this is read, one will likely come to mind for readers paying even a little bit of attention. They’ll think of an adult slumber party gone wrong, the only person of color dead by morning, or they’ll think about a boat leaving with friends and returning without the Black one, his body found later. There are too many stories like these.

As a white person, I hate these stories, but I imagine I don’t hate them as much as the people who have to worry about going out with “friends” and having it end their lives. Or having their children trust the wrong people only to find out when it’s too late. Or wondering when the news story is going to creep a little closer to home into the circle of people they love.

The Idea of “Safe” White People

I cringe every single time a fellow white person says that they are “colorblind” to race. Not only does this feel a tad bit ableist since there are people who genuinely are colorblind, but it’s a stunningly ignorant thing to say. What do you mean you don’t “see” color? Are your eyes closed?

I’m on a Ted Lasso comfort binge, so readers will have to forgive the frequent references (or break down and join my insanity), but it makes me think of the player finally coming out of the closet. His teammates said, “we don’t care,” and Ted Lasso reminded them why they should — not to judge him but to fully embrace his identity and support him rather than pretending differences don’t exist.

This is equally true for race. Pretending it doesn’t exist and doesn’t impact someone’s life isn’t helpful. It doesn’t make us the “safe” white friend. In fact, I would venture a guess that it makes us more dangerous because we’re not looking out for our friends of color. We’re also doing them a great disservice by trying to pretend like race isn’t a monumental part of identity.

If we truly want to be safe, we need to acknowledge the real implications of racism, and we need to believe other people’s lived experience of it. When people of color tell us something isn’t okay to say or do, we need to take that and run with it, not argue about why we think whatever we said or did isn’t harmful. This isn’t hard. It’s about respecting people and loving them well enough to be concerned about causing harm, however unintentional.

To be a “safe” white friend, we need to enact the buddy system. We don’t leave the beach, the party, the boat, or the car without our buddy. We don’t leave them with people that we don’t know well who might not have their best interests at heart. This isn’t treating someone like a child; this is watching out for them like a true friend because we know the world isn’t equitable or kind.

As a woman, this is the rule I have with my girlfriends. I don’t leave them behind. If they want to hook up with someone, I’m getting all their details, taking a photo, and generally being obnoxious. But I’m damn sure going to have a good description and details to give to the police if called upon to do so, and I will make it my mission in life to seek justice if anything happens. People who don’t intend harm won’t mind and might even appreciate that someone is being cared for in this way. People getting their pantaloons in a twist likely aren’t going out with good intentions.

This is especially true when someone is intoxicated. We make sure our friends aren’t lying face up where they could, potentially, drown in their own vomit. We make sure they’re going to be okay before we leave them alone. These are the basic actions of a safe friend. What we don’t do, what we never would do as a safe person, is leave a friend in an uncertain situation, particularly when we know they are outnumbered by white people who at best might be claiming colorblindness and at worst could have ill intentions.

The Myth of Friends Like These

True friends don’t need to get together to get their stories straight and don’t need to concoct elaborate stories to explain why friends went out together (or stayed in together) and someone turned up dead or missing. They don’t disappear on social media. They’re leading the charge to find their friend. They’re publicly expressing concern and cooperating fully with investigations.

And they don’t ever deny that race is, was, and always will be an issue.

Being colorblind is inherently harmful. It denies reality. It pretends that the problems of the world somehow don’t apply.

People with this mentality don’t treat everyone the same. They aren’t ignoring the lived experiences of their white friends. They’re only ignoring their melanated friends’ experiences. This isn’t friendly, kind, or okay. It’s just another microaggression of racism that can lead to true harm.

I can’t say what happened in many of the news stories I’ve heard where a group of white people suddenly don’t remember how their friend turned up dead. I have my theories. I have thoughts. I have many, many questions.

All I know is that these people weren’t safe, and too many people are still showing their inner racism by saying things like, “let’s not make everything about race” and “I don’t see color” or “can’t we all just get along?”

We can’t. Because there are still fools out there claiming that they are somehow “colorblind” when it comes to race but not their wardrobe. They still want people to believe that pretending not to see race makes racism somehow not exist. They are children covering their own eyes and believing that it makes them disappear.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.