Hugo Schwyzer agrees we should be talking more. But let it be about what healthy, joy-filled, life-enhancing male sexuality looks like.
It’s always risky for a writer to disagree with a magazine’s founder, but I want to take slight issue with Tom Matlack’s Look in the Mirror: the Hypocrisy of PSU Rage. As we start to gain at least a little more information and perspective on the Happy Valley cover-up, it’s understandable that we’re all eager to talk about the lessons this disturbing episode has taught. And I think that Tom paints far too dismal a picture of what those lessons ought to be.
For Tom, the lesson is our hypocrisy. As he sees it, we’re spending all our time talking about JoePa and the Old Boy Network in college sports rather than our collective culpability. Tom writes:
We thought we knew what it meant to be male and good, and we have now found out the exact opposite is true.
What really fucking pisses us off isn’t the badness itself; as part of the great wave of men buying pornography and sex overtakes our country, we have been perfectly willing to look the other way as sex crimes accelerate.
The truth is that sex crimes are dramatically decreasing. In his sensational new book, The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined, Steven Pinker makes the compelling, data-driven case that we live in a less bloody – and less brutally transgressive – world than ever before. As the Huffington Post reported in their review of his book, rapes in the USA have declined by a staggering 80% since 1973. Though we are far more aware of the danger of sex crimes against children than we were when Tom and I were boys, there is no clear evidence that molestations are on the rise.
It’s easy to confuse a greater awareness of sexual abuse with an assumption that the cases of such abuse are on the rise. The widespread belief that internet pornography has led to an increase in sexual violence simply isn’t supported by the evidence. While I’m not prepared to go to the opposite extreme, and declare that cybererotica is making the world safer, there’s a growing body of research that suggests just that. (See The Sunny Side of Smut from this past summer’s Scientific American.) If there is a “great wave” of men buying sex and pornography, it’s just not clear that this sexual tsunami constitutes the social disaster that many fear.
My take-away from the Penn State tragedy is one of wonder and optimism. I marvel that the university’s trustees were willing to fire an octogenarian living legend for the grave lapse of not having done more to protect children and to do so by phone. I expected far more voices to be raised in defense of those whose commitment to the reputation of an institution trumped their moral obligation to kids. That Paterno’s firing has proved so popular nationwide (the stupid antics of a handful of PSU students notwithstanding) is indicative that we’re more willing than ever to confront the atrocity that is child sexual abuse. There have always been Jerry Sanduskys, and there have always been Joe Paternos to cover for them. Though we might wish that each faced a stiffer penalty still, what’s been done so far is more than would have been done just a few decades ago.
But progress is not perfection. And when it comes to rape and molestation, we can’t settle for the comforting reassurance that these crimes are becoming slowly rarer. Far too many women are still raped, and far too many boys and girls abused for us to be self-congratulatory. We need to continue to push for more protection for children, and we need to do more to teach men to end their own complicity in the culture of silence and tacit approval that makes rape still so common.
Tom concludes his piece with a reminder: The real problem is that until now we haven’t wanted to look at sexual misconduct in our own communities. And it’s about time we did.
That’s absolutely true. But we also need to remember that while pedophilia and related disorders are genuine mental illnesses, they are aided and abetted by sexual shame. In a world where the hefty majority of rapists and abusers are men, that means that helping men–all men–overcome that shame is a critical part of the “solution.” What Tom calls “misconduct” flourishes where frank talk about sex and desire is off-limits. Ignorance, silence, and the distrust of pleasure facilitate that misconduct.
We end what Tom rightly calls our hypocrisy not by asking men to give up porn, but by asking for more examples of men who don’t compartmentalize their sexuality, hiding it away in fear and embarrassment. We need reminders that male lust can be exuberant, intense, and still safe. To identify the genuine pedophiles in our midst, we need to be better able to distinguish them from the mass of good men whose sexual attraction is only to their fellow adults. That doesn’t require that every man give detailed public explanations of his private practices and masturbatory fantasies. But it does require that we start talking and sharing about what healthy, joy-filled, life-enhancing male sexuality looks like. That’s a job for each and every one of us.
The more of that happy and challenging work we do, the better equipped we’ll be to discern the predators who still lurk among us.
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Read Tom Matlack’s Post– Look in the Mirror: The Hypocrisy of PSU Rage
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photo: marypaulose / flickr
Dang it, I hate it when I agree with Hugo, but it’s happening more and more. (I’m going to assume it’s because he’s becoming more reasonable, not that he’s winning me over…. ; – ) ) Very good point that increasing awareness of something does not mean there’s an epidemic. I was gratified to see Hugo question the idea that there is a massive epidemic of porn and prostitution that is creating a surge in sex crimes against children. In the Sandusky case, I’m curious to see if there is a specific relationship between porn and child molesting. I wonder… Read more »
Jennifer, are you the same Jennifer who e-mails John Rothmann at KGO with laments about this country’s state of moral decay and who thinks it’s super sad that the American people can’t learn to admire a truly moral man like Herman Cain? Are you the one who, yesterday night, opined that it’s “maudlin” to replay the Gettysburg Address in 2011 b/c we in America today lack the moral fiber to properly appreciate it? (I hate to admit it but I kind of agree, though I got to that place by far different route than the one I imagine you followed.)… Read more »
The answer to all societal ills is to be in relationship with the Creator of the Universe. NOT religion, but relationship with the Living God. What’s wrong with porn, and those who seek to justify it, any way they can, and there are many twisted logic arguments in support of it, is that it is feeding the flesh, not the Spirit. When a person is spiritually whole, they don’t even WANT to view porn…they are not even thinking that they “can’t” view it, because they have been made whole by the supernatural God. Do men pray and ask God, YHVH,… Read more »
Why does this article confuse pedophilia with “male sexuality”? The two are unrelated.
Never mind…. I just noticed the byline, and that explains it.
“Sex is not abuse, it is abuse and rape. It would be hard to tell what the difference is between rape as men see it and rape as women see it….so we have yet to have consent defined by women…So if you are a man, don’t view women getting raped (in porn), don’t coerse women into PIV sex ” Consent defined by women….you mean consent defined by feminists. Most women and men understand the difference between sex and rape. Nobody thinks sex is rape or that porn is rape. The women having sex themselves don’t view it as rape. Only… Read more »
“If you can’t stand a few sexually charged jokes than please get the fuck away from men…we don’t need you.” Would you find the following “sexually charged jokes” funny??? You need to rethink your comment. Grab someone sexy and drag the cunt in a bush http://www.facebook.com/pages/Grab-someone-sexy-and-drag-the-cunt-in-a-bush-/111787972243583 Dropping out of school to kill sluts https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dropping-out-of-school-to-kill-sluts/149178108473315?sk=wall&filter=1 To all sluts its not because you’re hot its because you’re easy https://www.facebook.com/pages/To-all-sluts-its-not-because-youre-hot-its-because-youre-easy-/109400922425431 It’s not a small world hunny it’s just that you’re a slut https://www.facebook.com/pages/ITS-NOT-A-SMALL-WORLD-HUNNY-ITS-JUST-THAT-UR-A-SLUT-AND-U-GO-AROUND/107324289298528 Calling your penis a terminator because you fuck so hard you cause abortions https://www.facebook.com/pages/Calling-your-penis-terminator-because-you-fuck-so-hard-you-cause-abortions/206234816095225 Those are just scratching the surface.… Read more »
My comment is in reference to the following article which I presumed the previous commenter is referring to: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/sexual-harassment-in-2011-blowjob-jokes-and-exclusionary-tactics/ As to the facebook posts, I would agree that some of the ones you referenced are offensive and disturbing (the first 2 particularly). However, I doubt there is a correlation between even these facebook posts and violence against women. There is a fundamental difference here in the way I think about these things vs the way feminists think about this. You believe the culture causes violence against women. I don’t. I think there are individuals in society who are especially violent… Read more »
All babies start out as innocent. I’m sure they weren’t destined to be misogynists or rapists. But during their growing up years, whatever they are exposed to will definitely shape their character and behavior and how they treat females and men. You’re delusional of you think rape jokes have no correlation to males raping females. These are misogynists males making these vile rape hate speeches – and you know what…rapists are misogynists at their core. There’s no doubt down the line and maybe already some of these “joksters” are already rapists; these “jokes” no doubt have put seed of raping… Read more »
Sex is not abuse, it is abuse and rape. It would be hard to tell what the difference is between rape as men see it and rape as women see it. As Cathine MacKinnon aptly said, all the rape laws, and legal ideas of consent were written by males, and males have been the judiciary and legal scholars for hundreds of years, so we have yet to have consent defined by women. Pornography is not only a crime against women, and has been used in war to create genocidal rape (Bosnian Serb and Croation men with porn plastered on their… Read more »
Let’s keep it in perspective, people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHN6Sfj5MMQ&feature=share
We don’t have to be in denial of the acceptance of violence against women in order to help all children and men, too.
We have to target ALL the covering up of sexual abuse, isn’t that right Hugo * 2.1% of men reported forced vaginal sex compared to 1.6% of women in a relationship in the previous year. From: Predictors of Sexual Coersion. ht tp://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/ID45-PR45.pdf *94% of sexually abused youth in correctional facilities reported being abused by female staff. From: Sexual Victimization in Juvenile Facilities, 2008-09. ht tp://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/svjfry09.pdf * Among inmates reporting staff sexual misconduct, ~ 65% reported a female aggressor. From: Sexual Victimization in Prisons and Jails Reported by Inmates, 2008-09. ht tp://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/svpjri0809.pdf * 50% of homeless youth reported being sexually abused… Read more »
I think one thing I take from your post is that all human beings are pretty well doomed. Men, women, kids. We seem to truly enjoy damaging each other, via person to person abuse or internet drive bys.
A lovely bunch of stats for me to look at while I pour myself a stiff drink. That’s a bunch of sadness there.
I’m all for celebrating the good in male sexuality. I’m a fan of it myself. I always have been, and of sexuality all together. I’m not a fan of violence. Funny how that works.
Why didn’t I ever hear of this, 36 male coaches molesting dozens of girls (possibly some boys, but no info given)? Apr. 9, 2010 – In a sex abuse scandal that some victims compare to what happened in the Catholic Church, at least 36 swimming coaches have been banned for life by the USA Swimming organization over the last 10 years because of sexual misconduct. The coaches have molested, fondled and abused dozens of swimmers.
http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/usa-swimming-releases-list-coaches-banned-sexual-misconduct/story?id=10749613
A question, for the author and the commenters: what makes male sex “safe”?
Young men in Sweden are now regularly advised by family members to always video their sexual encounters with women due to the high incidence there of later claims of harassment or violence or refusal to stop.
In all seriousness, should we allow/require men to video all sexual encounters under a presumption that if the man cannot provde the woman’s participation in sex was at least consensual, or even enthusiastic, at all times then he has raped?
Well, I suppose since I”m hearing mothers and women are also raping and harassing men and kids, everyone should film everything. Surely no one would ever doctor video, or manipulate film.
Panopticon!
As a man who actually was raped, repeatedly, by his mother, and who was told “go ahead and call the police, honey, they will believe me” I thank you for your pathetic attempt at humor.
Wow. videotaping sex…you can build your own porn library and make money off it!
No, MichelleG, you can just make sure you don’t go to jail for a crime you didn’t commit. Both the FBI (1998, under the Clintons and Reno) and the UK Home Office (2007, under Labour) found that 8% of the rape accusations were provably false. That’s right, absolutely, totally, 100%, provable in a criminal courtroom, BS. But of course the laws in the US have now been written to deny that is even a possibility. Not to mention Sweden, the “Saudi Arabia of Feminism.” So, snark on. How many men have you falsely sent to prison or caused to be… Read more »
Thanks for this, Hugo. I’ve been increasingly worried by what to me comes across as a decidedly Victorian attitude in many of the posts to GMP. I believe that a healthy (male) sexuality has many faces, and that trying to limit consensual expressions of sexuality that are not harmful to others only leads to shaming (and worse). Heck, we’ve seen posts that argue that masturbation is wrong and that the only proper sexual release is intercourse (and probably with a woman). It saddens me to see Tom arguing essentially that there’s a slippery slope from using porn to being a… Read more »
“I make especially young people ashamed of their sexuality and afraid to express it or to even face it, and I fear it is pushing some towards finding release for their sexuality in unhealthy ways.” I find that comment rather false in the face of real life. Go on Facebook, key in all the sexual..vulgar, even curse words…key in the “C” word and forms of rape joke expressions – you’ll discover hundreds of these pages exists publicly, some with over 200,000 likes. This is proof young people are not anywhere ashamed of their sexuality…they mock it and flaunt it with… Read more »
There is a problem with society when a 13 year old rapes a 5 year old at a McDonald’s playground.
Should a 13 year old be sexually active at that age, and where does he get the idea to rape a 5 year old? Why does he carry such uncontrollable lust and anger at his age to do harm to a toddler?
I don’t know, MichelleG.
Where did the 15 year old girl in Lousiana get the idea to rape several 10 and 11 year old boys?
And why wouldn’t the mainstream media talk about that?
Link? Horrible. They should have of course they should have.
http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2007/12/01/15-year-old-girl-rapes-several-young-boys/
There is nothing good that can be said about that. It’s a terrible thing and the boys need support and the girl needs something I surely don’t know how to give. And the system needs help.
That article is dated December 2007; don’t you have any more recent examples?
My link to the 13 year old raping the 5 year old happened just last week. The numbers and rate of these crimes to your examples are apples to oranges. Male on female rape – violence occur far more frequently.
Well, MichelleG, since boys are not deserving of help and offending females are not deserving of prosecution, how can you expect accurate data? Do you really mean to tell me that boys and men are encouraged (rather than ridiculed) for being sexually assaulted? Especially if by women? How about my link to Julie Green, the 38 year old woman who was given a 30 day sentence in March, 2011 for drugging and raping a 14 year old boy (whose family said he was totally traumatized by the event). I look forward to your denial and pooh-poohing of that. Only women… Read more »
By the by, I can cite you dozens of programs in the US who “reeducate” “assertive” men. Can you name me a single program that focuses on female domestic abusers?
here’s the link to the 15 year old boy raping the 5 year old girl at mcdonald’s
http://news.yahoo.com/teen-arrested-rape-5-old-mcdonalds-play-area-223059528.html
Horrible. Lots of horrible.
sorry that was 13 year old boy… (15 is typo)
As I learned how the use of the “N” word loosely started in the home with the parents shouting all day long to their little boy in my company. It starts there and picked up by the company of other ignorant, uneducated people and not getting the attention, affections there, No Love!
“To move forward we must stop trying to please others or live up to social norms, and instead celebrate real sexuality of real men.” We actually need social norms real badly. The lack of this and structure is why some men on here have asked to have “goodness” defined. A moral compass some are lacking; some people need hard and fast rules to abide by – boundaries, like the ones we set for our own children. Porn is a dichotomy. While it provides a release for men, it also does harm to women when in the wrong hands. We should… Read more »
“We end what Tom rightly calls our hypocrisy not by asking men to give up porn, but by asking for more examples of men who don’t compartmentalize their sexuality, hiding it away in fear and embarrassment. We need reminders that male lust can be exuberant, intense, and still safe. To identify the genuine pedophiles in our midst, we need to be better able to distinguish them from the mass of good men whose sexual attraction is only to their fellow adults.”
This. For women too.
“But it does require that we start talking and sharing about what healthy, joy-filled, life-enhancing male sexuality looks like.” Oh I agree on that one, but it fails to address that the issue is two sided. I have good lust says person one and my lust is aimed at person two. Person two says thank you, but I’ll give it a pass. Very simple, as along as the relationship is that simple. I hear male Bravado and Cock stories all the time – I gave her one and she squealed – and the I’ll show her what a real man… Read more »
Do you honestly believe that if Joe Paterno were open about his sexual interests that we would have caught Jerry Sandusky sooner? Talking about male sexuality will not address this kind of problem, although you are ironically doing one of the things that perpetuates child abuse: changing the subject. The issue here is that people — women and men — do not want to deal with child abuse. We do not like to hear about it, we do not want to talk about it, and we certainly do not want to hear from the victims, especially if they are male.… Read more »
I think everyone winds up complicit in abuse. No one wants to navigate and manage the deep deep shame and cognitive dissonance when faced with examples of male on female or female on male (kids or adults alike).
We all have to accept the mantle of that discomfort and face it and stop it no matter how it happens. If 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused, we need to stop that. We need to prosecute women who are found to be engaging in the behavior.
And yet, when Julie Green of Astoria, Oregon, a 38 year old woman who got a 14 year old boy drunk and then raped him plead guilty and was sentenced to 30 days for her crime, not a single major media outlet started a drumbeat. Nothing on MSNBC, nothing on CNN, nothing on Fox, nothing in the NYT. Nothing even in TGMP when it was brought to the attention of TGMP before her 30 day sentence was up. And posters on other threads on TGMP go on and on about how men cannot be raped. And that is really cool… Read more »
Mr. Justaman, nope. Not a denier of anything. Simply seeing cites, which I always appreciate reading. I’m a huge fan of data, and am more than willing to take in new information, change my mind and incorporate that into the work I do. It’s not my fault that the mainstream media is fracked. And it’s not my fault that only missing little white girls get attention on CNN instead of all little missing kids. I think that is untenable and horrible. So I write and work and strive for yes, equality, though every time I say that you’d think I… Read more »
Julie – being measured will always get people irritated! P^) Stats and cites are great and hyper valuable – but they also fail to address much of reality. I remember a report into domestic abuse against Disabled Women. It had both stats and cites – as well as heart rending first hand accounts of what it is like. Some criticized the report for taking a small group of statistics and making it into a national figure. Other’s criticized it for taking personal accounts and supposedly extrapolating them to apparently be the reality for all. A few praised the report –… Read more »
Thank you Ms. Gillis. Any reaction on your part to the 30 day (yes, day) sentence given to the 38-year-old Ms. Green in the USA in March, 2011, for drugging and raping a boy?
Sadness? Horror? A desire to read the case file? A desire to drink away the sadness that human beings seem determined to ruin each other mostly.
Thanks for the thoughtful response Hugo. Calling me the publisher is inaccurate, LIsa is. I am just the dumb guy with the idea for this whole thing (with James Houghton who was smart enough to bow out). In general we violently agree. My whole point in the male lust article for which I got so much grief was exactly yours–that men need to be able to express their sexuality without shame to get anywhere. I’m interested in your data about sex crimes going down. I hope that is true but not sure it is or really whether it matters in… Read more »
Whew. I’m glad you didn’t agree with Matlack. That guy is obsessed with porn and prostitution. /bittersnark
But seriously, when people conflate consenting adults engaging in sexual activity of whatever form with the sexual coercion and rape of children it only makes it that much more difficult to target the real problem.