Few things can drain you faster than having to be around toxic people. The passive aggressive, the negative, the obnoxious – they’re black holes who’ll suck the energy right out of you.
If you let them.
It’s a guarantee that you’re going to run into them, so you need to put some thought into how to deal with them in advance. How do you establish a hedge around yourself here?
Consider they may not actually be toxic.
Some people come off in ways they don’t recognize. I would put myself in this camp. I usually think of myself as a pleasant enough person, but still remember the first time my passport portrait was taken. Precluded from smiling, even I thought I gave off a serial killer vibe. Some people just have a neutral affect that looks sour or even menacing. Being unbothered means considering the actions people take and not just how they’re holding their face.
Try to have empathy for fellow fighters.
This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self.
John Watson
Think about one of the roughest days you’ve had, and consider that the person you’re dealing with may be having their equivalent right now. That doesn’t mean someone can avoid the consequences of something they’re doing, just as you wouldn’t have – but know being unbothered means trying to view the deeds of others through a lens of grace.
When someone threatens to bother you, especially if this person is a stranger in a passing encounter, take a step back and reframe. Maybe the guy who cut you off speeding around you is a jerk. Or maybe he’s trying to get to a family member in crisis. Maybe the waitress is being cold because she took an unreasonable disliking to you. Or maybe she’s suffering in a dark season of her life she’s having to work through to make ends meet.
Take a charitable view and you’ll spare yourself a lot of bother in taking slights personally.
Watch out for red flags of toxicity.
Be on the lookout for ways toxic people tip off their identity:
Boastfully asserting they hate drama.
Bill could have done just as well to include the lads here. Anyone who says they “hate drama” very likely doesn’t. For most rational, well-adjusted adults, this is a matter of course and does not merit mention. It’s a bit of bald projection you’d do well to take note of and file away.
Airing dirty laundry.
If you hear someone throwing their romantic partner or family member under a bus in their absence, be very wary of them. If their immediate family not only gains no benefit of the doubt in the midst of a disagreement, but instead gets thrown to the wolves of outside opinions, what do you think would happen to you were you to cross them somehow?
Passive aggressive concern fishing.
This typically takes place on social media status updates:
“Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse…”
“OMG, here we go again…”
“Feel like going into the woods and screaming…don’t ask.”
Then…nothing. Subsequently, some well-meaning person inevitably gets in the comments and says, “You okay?” Which is all the opening toxic people need to empty both barrels of their emotional shotgun in reply.
Treat these people with caution.
They’ve chosen to direct their energies toward baiting people into having sympathy for them rather than fixing the issue themselves. If they were truly desirous of wise counsel, they’d have approached someone privately.
Being a common denominator in hostile relationships.
Some people have genuine circumstances which leave them ostracized from a number of people who used to factor in their life, especially if they represent a marginalized community – so don’t unnecessarily extrapolate this point. However, if someone with no such characteristic bemoans having tumultuous relationships with multiple family members, or claims everyone in the office is out to get them, or has a laundry list of businesses they’re boycotting, it’s very possible they’re the reason why.
Finding constant fault with others’ perceptions of them.
If someone is constantly complaining that people are too sensitive about things they’ve said, it’s likely they’re toxic people. What they’re trying to paint as harmless banter is probably more abusive than they’re letting on. To a bully, everyone is just too thin skinned to take their ‘normal’ treatment of them.
A high proportion of ‘crazy’ people in their life.
If someone’s estranged family, former friends, and ex-lovers are to a person ‘crazy,’ or ‘bipolar,’ or ‘insecure,’ or ‘jealous,’ or a hundred other epithets, it starts to become commentary on that person, not those people.
They leave everyone feeling lesser.
People always leave their presence tired, demoralized, angry. They cultivate and nurture an atmosphere of discord and anger.
None of this means you need to ghost someone exhibiting one of these traits. However, their presence merits scrutiny and caution.
Dig a moat around your feelings with toxic people.
When toxic people are acting in an irritating manner, take a step back and remember:
I don’t have to be bothered by this.
If you think of your inmost self as a castle, the resistance to taking things personally is the moat you dig around it. Unless you do toxic people the favor of letting down the drawbridge and allowing them to invade the sanctuary of your mind, they need not come in. Realize they have no bearing who you are. They will ultimately be left to fruitlessly yap at the edge of your moat, unheard and unheeded, because you’ve chosen not to be bothered by them.
Remember: You likely cannot change toxic people.
Unless the toxic people in question are those you live with, you lack the time or influence necessary to meaningfully change them by any means, whether positive or negative. No amount of politeness, deference, insult, clapback or freeze out will change their constitution. Some people aren’t happy unless they’re unhappy, and there is little you can do about it.
These are the people who stew in line for twelve minutes to take a bagel back to the counter because they were given Cracked Wheat instead of Twelve Grain, or draft a thousand word diatribe of an online review against one Taco Bell in particular, or decline assistance with most anything in life because they’re suspicious of others’ motives (then turn around and complain that “nobody cares”).
For these people, it’s unlikely that you’re going to Care Bear Stare them with enough positive energy to overcome their inclinations, or to issue a rebuke so stinging they have an epiphany about their sourness — so don’t let yourself become discouraged in the process. It’s far more likely that contact between the two of you will result in your being jaded rather than their being inspired.
So sow kindness everywhere you go, but realize it’s not on you if the seeds fall on hardened soil.
Shift your regard of toxic people from anger to pity.
Someone cuts you off in traffic, then gives you the finger. It’s easy for me to sit here and say, “Well shucks, just ignore them!” But that’s not feasible, because, well, you’re a human being. So you’re left with a couple of options here:
First, indignation: You honk back, shake your fist, and simmer about it for the rest of the day. The question is, what’s the point? The other driver won’t be chastened by your response. To them, you’re the moron moping down the road way too slowly, whose opinion is meaningless. Rising to their level of rage won’t make anything better about the situation, and will merely make yourself feel worse.
Remember, it’s just you in the car. They’re gone. If you stay angry, you have chosen how to respond to the situation you were presented. You’ll have ruined your own day.
You can’t blame them, because you gave them access to your inmost being. You let them in. It’d be akin to willfully leaving your credit card on an ATM with the PIN on the back and getting angry when someone has the audacity to empty your account. The orderedness of your mind is no less a resource than money is, and you need to defend it commensurately.
There’s another option. Pity. Okay, maybe it’s not especially charitable on the face of things, but it’s a better alternative for everyone. Ask yourself: How little margin must they have in their lives to act this way? How burnt out must they be to have so little regard for others’ feelings? Framing things in this way allows you to disdainfully sigh and shake your head at them before dismissing them and going on with your day, unbothered.
Detachment brings protection from being bothered by toxic people.
Have you ever been a third party looking on as a fight breaks out? I was traveling once and stopped at Wal-Mart on my way through Tulsa, Oklahoma; as I was loading up and getting ready to leave, I heard the sound of an escalating argument in a nearby truck in the parking lot. Two men soon spilled out of it and engaged in one of the least injurious fistfights I’ve ever seen. After a stalemate of sorts, they piled back into the truck and left, bellowing at one another out of their open windows until they were out of earshot.
Once they’d gone, there was nothing. I let out a, “Huh,” and went about loading the last of my things. It would have been silly of me to take it personally, because it didn’t have any bearing on me. I just happened to be in the vicinity when it took place.
Here’s the trick of it, though: You can use this framing even if you’re involved with the toxic party.
Let’s set aside arguments with partners and family – that’ll be a topic for another day. My focus here is casual acquaintances and strangers. They don’t know your intentions, motives, values, or heart. So if they’re displaying negative emotion toward you, are they really engaging with you? Don’t take a situation personally when their issue isn’t with the person, but the circumstance.
In that sense, you can internally detach yourself, create a buffer between the conflict and your feelings about it, and protect yourself from being bothered.
Understand that for toxic people, creating unhappiness is a way of exerting control.
Not sharp enough to create things of value, some people resort to creating chaos and make watching it unfurl a hobby. They’re the gossips, the double dealers, the backbiters. Their ideas are worthless. Take care around them, because they’re almost always believers in equal opportunity. Some people just want to watch their tiny little worlds burn, and if that’s the case being singed isn’t an accident, it’s part of the plan.
There’s a fourfold test for speech which is instructive here:
If someone is continually failing these tests with the things you hear them say, it’s likely they’re creating a cloud of unhappiness behind them.
Make sure you don’t become one of the toxic people yourself.
Nobody goes into adulthood with grumpiness as a goal, or wakes up one morning, stretches and says, “You know, I think I’m going to murder all semblance of joy in my life and be miserable now.” No, it’s a slow slide into that pit of toxic people.
It happens when we ruminate on our resentments and meditate on others’ mistakes. It’s usually a poison we slowly self-administer one drop, one heavy sigh, one rolled eye, one profanity at a time. Inoculate yourself from toxicity by taking time for thanksgiving — not one day a year, but every day. No matter your lot, you’re better off than a lot of the people peppering this water-strewn rock we’re spinning around on. That fact begs thankfulness.
Every day, even if only for ten seconds, submerge yourself in a spirit of gratitude for something specific in your life. It could be your partner or pet, your kids or family, your friends or job. Or it could be something more fundamental — your abilities to read and speak, the freedoms you enjoy, the physical abilities you have. Realize what could be, and make your sigh of relief at that non-being a prayer of thanks to whatever or whomever you wish.
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This post was previously published on THEUNBOTHEREDFATHER.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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