I would love it to be different, but we are living in a society full of stressed and angry human beings. Especially in bigger cities, always hurrying somewhere with a slightly cool and arrogant look on our face has reached near-cult status.
Of course, not everybody is choosing the path of anger, or feelings of unfairness or grief, but the whole system is built on a premise designed to separate us from each other, to create competition and conflicts between humans. So sometimes we forget that we have a choice what way to take in life and we choose anger, because it’s the easier way to follow.
When anger overcomes us, all we want to do is let it out, release the knot. When we are kids we learn anger very early. Because our families often aren’t teaching us how to release it we collect all of the anger our whole life. We don’t know how to deal with it or what the root of our anger is. So the courageous of us find our own therapies, go to retreats, and work on self-improvement and I’m sure that we all come to the same conclusion: we are responsible for our own anger.
Feelings of anger are destructive and they eat us up moment by moment. When anger isn’t worked out, it accumulates until it explodes. One day our mind and body will naturally clean the inner trash. It might be released as a huge fight with loved ones, a mental or even physical disease, as depression or similar. So we need to learn to understand our own anger and to make peace with it, to learn from it and learn how to manage it.
Let’s face it, we all get angry sometimes, even the monks in the deepest forests of the Amazon. The difference between balanced and stressed people is that the first ones take the effort to learn about their own psyche and how to deal with themselves.
Any kind of anger has roots.
We get angry because our most vulnerable spots are being triggered by other people or situations. So it all goes back to our traumas, failures, inferiority complexes and just a simple fact of being a human being with feelings.
Most of the time anger goes back to simple things. Anger is a scream for support, love and appreciation. We get angry when we’re not seen, understood or appreciated. We urgently need somebody to remind us that we’re OK the way we are, that we are seen and our opinions and meaning are being accepted and appreciated. But because our modern, innovative society separated us from each other, it’s not always easy to find a person to give us the love we need.
When anger takes over, our egos will fight until the end and will want to justify ourselves. It will always whisper: “It’s not me. It’s not me …”
The harder truth is: it is you.
It’s not a different person who is getting angry and feels bad – it’s you. And the only person who can resolve it is also you.
I appreciate so much that in our modern world practices like meditation, mindfulness, yoga, Pilates or Ayurveda are “hip” because they all help to understand ourselves better. They are breaking the ego and make us feel good in the simple state of “Being”. They help us see things from afar and understand that anger is not a natural state of mind and furthermore it doesn’t lead anywhere but to mental misery.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you suppress anger or pretend to be always on a positive vibe. When I’m angry I let it all out, I sometimes say mean things, I cry, I beat the floor, dance, sing, write sad poetry, hate the world, blame everybody around me, then call my coach or turn to my spiritual family. Once I let it out – I feel better immediately. When the anger is spoken out, it doesn’t seem as bad anymore. Everybody should find a way to express anger, so it can dissolve in a short time after it broke out.
If you are aware that your anger management is poor, look for support. There are so many amazing programs and therapists who are more than happy to help. Our mentors and guides will always remind us on who we are and what our essence is. The investment will always pay off.
A practice which I learned from my own journey is to ask, “Why does the person or situation make me angry?”
Honest answers might be, “I am angry because …”
- I’m projecting my own mental crap on other people
- I’m running late
- The train came too late (stupid little daily problems to be aware of)
- My partner isn’t matching my imaginary picture of a perfect partner (which doesn’t exist)
- I just don’t get along with somebody (which is fine)
- My family is the way it is – imperfectly perfect
- In a relationship there are always two people
- My kids are blank pieces of paper who learn from me and other adults and just repeat what we do (and if they are difficult it’s in many ways our responsibility)
- Everything what happens in my lives is urgently needed for my own personal growth and I just don’t want to accept it
- I haven’t overcome my ego and choosen kindness
- I don’t understand myself and therefore others
The list can be endless. One thing is clear, anger management is a personal project which should be approached personally with external help or without.
Everything starts and ends with the I. Setting the intention to face our own anger will release so much pain. Holding grudges and accumulating useless feelings of anger will complicate our lives and the lives of those around us.
Anger is a part of our human nature, but we must learn to express it in a healthy way which helps our own healing and does not hurt others. Accepting anger as a part of who we are will lead us to new dimensions of co-existence on our planet. New dimensions where love, kindness and compassion to each other are the new norms.