This week Dear John addresses a reluctant threesome, an overly stoner boyfriend, and an awkward relationship confession.
This article originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
Dear John,
My boyfriend wants me to do something I’m ambivalent about: sleep with him and another guy. It’s not quite how it sounds—the “other guy” is a friend of his, and in fact, I dated him briefly a couple of years ago. It was so unserious (although it was sexual), that to say we broke up makes it sound like there was more there than there was. Anyway, we’re all friends, we all get along great, I like them both, find them both attractive, etc., and my boyfriend really wants to try this out. When I ask him why it’s so important to him, he doesn’t have a reason except that the idea of it is “really hot.” I’m not opposed to it exactly; I’m just not very excited about it. To be honest, and he knows this, the thought of three people having sex together just seems like one too many to me, simple as that. His feeling is that he really wants to do this and I only kind of DON’T want to, so I should go along with it because he wants it a lot more than I don’t want it. Like the intensity of his feelings compared to mine should be the deciding factor. I know it would make him happy and I do want to do it for him, but I don’t know. I’ve been close to saying okay a couple of times because I’m tired of talking about it. What do you think?
Sincerely,
On The Fence
Dear On The Fence,
I think you should only do this if you really, really want to. You definitely shouldn’t be brow beaten or pestered into it, and if that’s what your boyfriend is doing, that is a very alarming indicator of where his priorities lie. Tell him that for now, the answer is no, but if at any time in the future you find yourself more enthusiastic about the idea, you’ll let him know. If he doesn’t drop it, he’s hopelessly selfish, and it’s time to drop him.
Dear John,
My boyfriend is a bit of a stoner. I’m not. I don’t have anything in particular against pot; I just don’t like it. It’s not for me. Problem is, my boyfriend wants to get high for just about everything we do. Going to a movie? He gets stoned. Seeing a band? He gets stoned. Going on a hike or out kayaking? You guessed it. It’s not that he’s so different when he’s high or that I don’t like how it makes him act. It’s actually fairly subtle, and if you didn’t know him, you wouldn’t think, “This guy’s wasted!” But there IS a difference. He’s just not the same. I recently asked him if he could just get high with his buddies and stay straight for our dates, but he didn’t like that idea. He claims he just enjoys everything a lot more when he’s a little high. I’m afraid he’ll just end up doing it anyway and trying to hide it, and that would be even worse. How can we find some middle ground on this?
Signed,
He’s High, I’m Low
Dear He’s High, I’m Low,
Perhaps you could propose that he limit his smoking to times when you’re doing something that doesn’t involve a lot of interaction, like watching a movie or seeing a concert. By the time the entertainment’s over, I would think his high would be, too. On the other hand, if you’re going on a date that does offer the possibility for conversation, like going to dinner or on a hike, he should defer hitting the pipe until you’re no longer together. This seems like a very reasonable middle ground to me, and if an arrangement like that is still unacceptable to him, I think you’re going out with someone who finds pot just a little bit more irresistible than he finds you.
Dear John,
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants to get back together with me. This is something I’ve been hoping would happen for a long time. I’m really thrilled. The problem? After we broke up, I dated someone for a while I know she can’t stand. I don’t know what to do. I feel like if she found this out, it would be a deal breaker, but if she doesn’t find out, I’m always going to be afraid she will. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Worried Either Way
Dear Worried,
I think you should tell her, not because you did anything wrong or you owe her an explanation, but simply because you don’t need that hanging over your head as you give this a go for the second time. You needn’t do it right away, but when you’re back together, I would bring it up as soon as it feels like the right thing to do. But like I said, you don’t owe her any kind of justification for whom you dated while the two of you were broken up. If learning this is a deal breaker for her as you say, I think once with her was probably enough anyway.
Photo credit: Flickr / Christine Rondeau
I think the response to the girl asking about a threesome is pretty lame. If she says she’s not exactly opposed to it but just “not very excited” for it, why is the guy getting blamed for having a fantasy he wants to explore? She wrote the letter, but the advice I’d give to her boyfriend is, “If that’s where her priorities lie…” maybe he’d better served to drop her. “… if at any time in the future …” is such a hopelessly vague and dismissive statement. Can you imagine marrying a woman like that? Thinking at some point she… Read more »
Having sex with someone you don’t really want to have sex with is not being “good, giving, and game,” it is caving into pressure to do something that fundamentally turns you off. Which sounds pretty lame to me. How about him being good, giving, and game by not pressuring his girlfriend to have sex with another man if she’s not thrilled about it? For some people, sex is a big deal; it involves opening yourself up to a level of physical and emotional intimacy that can be scary. Or maybe she just isn’t thrilled about having sex with this particular… Read more »
@Good giving and game?: The guy isn’t “getting blamed” for having a fantasy; he’s getting blamed for badgering his girlfriend about something about which she’s made her feelings clear. It’s not like he’s saying, “Hey, let’s have sex in the kitchen for a change!” He’s asking her to invite a third person into their bed. I don’t think someone should agree to such an emotionally charged proposal without giving it a lot of thought and being sure she wants to do it. It sounds like you’re letting your own disappointment with your wife’s decision color your reaction to this woman’s… Read more »