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“I also worry a bit about my relationship– I really need quality time and I worry that I am too attached.”
As I saw these words pop up on my phone, I realized they betrayed a level of vulnerability that is not usually considered typical for men. And yet, what followed was a heart-to-heart that touched on everything from establishing intimacy to setting expectations in budding relationships.
Why is it that when we read the first sentence, we are more likely to picture a woman rather than a man? Why are men portrayed to be beer-crazed, emotionless vessels, hard wired for sex and incapable of emotional investment?
Such portrayals not only reinforce “masculine” stereotypes within a patriarchal paradigm, but also fail to appreciate the breadth and depth of fulfilling male friendships. Male friendships can surely be facilitated over craft beer, but sports and beer do not constitute the upper limits of our conversational potential.
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Growing up, we are socialized into gendered roles: men as providers, women as caretakers. But the damage extends far beyond male-female relationships. We are further socialized into believing we cannot demand a space for emotional vulnerability from our male friends—that’s what female friends are for, if at all. We start internalizing the fact that men are meant to have a default off-switch when it comes to our emotions.
If you belong to the category of men that subscribes to this notion, you’re missing out! The truth is, male friendships can be significantly more liberating. A chance to openly discuss what masculinity means, what healthy relationships look like, and where your internal struggles around these nebulous concepts stem from.
As difficult as it is to reject rigid gender roles, we have an obligation to do so. Many of us are no stranger to the oddly gendered remark, “in other words, you’re the woman in the relationship.” It is directed at men as an affront to their masculinity and often comes from men and women alike who have internalized gendered expectations.
Personally, I have never known how to respond to such a comment. Isn’t it offensive to be offended by the remark? The next time you hear a similar remark directed at you, I guess you can consider yourself lucky—you just received a freebie conversation starter to challenge age-old perceptions. We should all be expecting more from our friendships, but don’t worry—beer and sports are always around to facilitate.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images