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If you have not tried to find out how your stepkids feel about their parents splitting up, you are missing a terrific opportunity to build a great relationship with them. It may be an uncomfortable topic for you to address, but you need to do it. You will plant powerful relationship seeds when you become brave enough to ask. Even if you have been with the kids since they were small, they have feelings about not living with both biological parents. If they are old enough to remember the divorce, they very likely experienced some trauma as their parent’s relationship unraveled. Try to figure out how they feel to demonstrate your concern and care for them.
Divorce is Traumatic
All children are affected by their parent’s divorce. It doesn’t matter what age they are. Your stepkids might be in a state of shock, sadness, anger, or frustration. Becoming a safe person for them to talk to about how they are feeling is one of the best roles you can take on as a stepdad. Your listening skills will need to be in full force for this. Avoid talking back or sharing your own experiences. Ask more open-ended questions to show that you are concerned about how they feel. It doesn’t matter if their perspective is immature, or inaccurate. You need to listen and ask questions that will get them to talk about the emotions they are having. Children who bottle-up their feelings may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. Traumatic events always excite an emotional response. There are some predictable behaviors you should expect from kids who have been through a divorce. Realizing the normalcy of those responses is as important as exercising emotional maturity when you see your stepkids displaying them.
Stepkids are Insecure
The emotions your stepkids are going through are real, and unlike their parents, they don’t know the details of the divorce. Their lack of understanding creates feelings that are generally more traumatic for them than for their parents. Many kids feel insecure, helpless, and vulnerable after divorce. If they are still upset about their biological dad not being around, they may be irritable, perform poorly in school, isolate themselves from the family, or participate in delinquent behaviors. With your help, your stepkids can recover and adjust remarkably well to their new reality. However, without emotionally mature guidance in their life, they will not improve as quickly. You should try to be a resource for your stepkids by being as helpful to them as possible.
Ask Questions and Give Choices
If you notice your stepkid is acting out, rather than asking yourself, “What is wrong with this kid?” ask yourself, “What is going on with my stepkid?” This simple shift in how you think about the situation will make you less judgmental and more helpful. You can start by saying something like, “I see you are upset.” Then offer a couple of choices or activities your stepkid can do. Options will help your stepkid feel like they are in control and fun activities will help redirect their thoughts to more uplifting things. If you approach all conflicts this way, over time your stepkids will act out less often and will be more likely come to you to discuss how they feel because they know you will offer them support without criticism. Shutting kids down when they are upset is one of the most significant parenting errors ever made. It is an even bigger error if you do it.
Keep Cool When Stepkids are Upset
It is essential that your stepkids feel secure with you and the new family arrangement. It will take more time since you are not the biological father, but you can expedite the process by keeping your cool when things don’t go as planned. If you don’t model emotional maturity, your stepkids will not trust you or feel safe around you. Making this work is going to take time and effort. You must approach this relationship with dedication and realistic expectations.
Invest the Time
It is vital that you realize that immediate benefits are not realistic. By investing time into building a successful relationship with your stepkids, you are establishing a sure foundation for the success of a future relationship. Just like becoming an expert at anything, you will approach building this relationship as a novice, and after a lot of practice, you will become good at it. It will be easy to give up if things are especially difficult, but your impact is significant. Your commitment to your family is essential if it is going to thrive. You can do it, and you have to decide it is important enough to you.
Summary
Building a strong relationship with your stepkids should be high on your priority list. You already know their mom; you need to spend some time getting to know them. You are a father figure, and your relationship with them is going to have a lasting impact. Make sure it’s a good one by being someone they are comfortable talking to about their biological parent’s divorce. Realize that they experienced trauma and will display some behaviors that are typical. You should help them to cope by listening without judgment and offering fun activities for them to participate. It is going to take time and effort, so your commitment to the success of this family is essential.
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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