Monday night I was in Baltimore with Drama Queen. We were chillin’ with The Muse when she offered to take us to dinner. I’ve been craving good Mexican food, but we couldn’t find any so we opted for Chevy’s. Chevy’s is mediocre Mexican food. Mediocre food is better than crappy food. Am I right?
Anyway, we get seated in a booth and 0rdered our grub. About 10 minutes later the manager seats a couple at the table next to us. Big deal? Actually yes. The chick had a dog in her purse.
In case you didn’t figure out the picture at the top…See the dark spot under the red thingie? Next to the green square. That spot is the dog and the red thingie is her ultra crappy knockoff handbag. The chick herself was a piece of work.
Imagine 5′ 6″, latina, dark hair, XXL muffin top and a pair of very saggy B cups which were visible through her bra-less (and very sheer) wife beater. Seriously. It was fuckin nasty. How saggy? I would guess she’s around 22 or 23, and I will guarantee that on her 30th birthday she will be able to put her nipple in her belly button. Without bending at all.
I (of course) decide I’d like to see if I can get them caught without actually getting up from my seat nor speaking with any staff member. I decide I’m going all out right off the bat. Seeing as how they are sitting mainly to my right, I hold my right hand mostly over my mouth…and I start yapping like a little bitch dog in a purse would. It was pretty funny.
The Muse looks across the table and asks if the barking is for the real dog or for the homely chick. I mulled that over for a moment, then told her it was mainly to get them caught and tossed, but it was a little for her, I guess.
I continue barking intermittently throughout the remaining 45 minutes in our dining experience, yet the dog never once flinched. Not that the dog owners would have noticed. I told my two companions I was doing a blog post about this and The Muse offered to take a pic with her Blackberry. She had a bad angle and she slowly inched up until she was actually over their table and neither diner flinched. They were in their own little world.
The crowning moment came as I was preparing to swallow a bite of flauta. Drama Queen asked The Muse what the dog was doing and The Muse turned slightly in her seat, stared a little too long, turned back and said, “Licking the girl’s hands.” I’m going to pause a moment so you can get that image properly locked away in your permanent memory.
I looked up from my plate and saw that she was correct. The dog was working those hands with precision. It definitely knew to get in between the fingers and could find pieces of rice with ease. I’m not sure, but her nipple may have gotten hard from all the attention her hands were getting. She had a very satisfied look on her face at the moment.
If you think that was the worst part, you would be mistaken. After getting her palm eaten out and fingers blown by her dog, she then proceeded to salt up, like she was doing a tequila shot. Can you see where this is going?
Yeah. She licked a large amount of salt off her hand. Why was there so much salt on her hand? I’m not sure, but I would guess it’s because the dog slobber held so much of it. Oh. She never did the tequila shot. All she did was lick salty dog drool off the back of her hand.
P.S. When I say we were in Chevy’s in Baltimore, I misspoke. We were actually at the location in the Arundel Mills mall. And we were there around 5:30 PM. Ish. Probably closer to six. And that was this past Monday. As in the day after Easter.
P.S.S. Did I mention it was THE MANAGER who sat them at the table? I thought so. Did I mention that the bus-chick was playing with the dog at one point early on? No? Sorry. The bus chick was playing with the dog shortly after they ordered the food. Unreal.