All the Euros and soccer honks can sit back down. I’m not dissing the world’s most popular game. Please continue to read and I’m pretty sure you’ll be as appalled as I am.
Saturday morning I was on Twitter when @VirtualMom tweeted about her kids soccer games being an hour late because someone stole the goals. Yes, you read that correctly. Someone stole the goals from a soccer field. Word from the snack bar is apparently that the a-holes in question also hit another local field.
I want to know first off, who does shit like this? It takes a special kind of douchebag to steal goals from a kids soccer field. The next thing I want to know is, why? What purpose would they have for doing it? Was it just to be dicks or is it the parents of some middle school soccer phenom and they needed some goal posts in their backyard so Junior can get better? Finally, where do you hide them without attracting any unwanted attention?
It obviously takes more than one person to jack some goalposts off a field, which is why I use the word, “They” and not, “Him”. Or her. It could be a chick. If it is a woman, I bet her ex played on those fields and she’s likely on her period, which COULD (not WILL) make her irrational. Using that implausible scenario you can see how it could possibly be a woman. I don’t know that for sure, it’s just a theory. I mean, I’m not ready to take it to the cops or anything, but I could see it happening.
Please join me in raising a glass to the people who stole fun and much needed exercise to many little tykes who dwell in the I.E. (That’s Inland Empire, or Inbred Empire, depending on who you ask) When they find you I hope they let a bunch of soccer hooligans go all World Cup on your ass. You totally deserve it.
P.S. Big thanks to Virtual Mom using her sources in the snack bar to break this story. There’s not a Pulitzer on the line, but I will give her a hearty fist-bump. With a, “Pow” at the end.