After seeing the title of this blog post, you may be thinking to yourself, “This could very well be crude and crass.” You may be right. I’m not really sure which direction this post is heading in. I’m guzzlin’ some Dew and letting the fingers go where they go. I’m not feeling very optimistic about this. You’ve been warned.
I was raised Lutheran, which I like to call Catholic-Lite. It’s basically catholicism, but we do it without praying to the saints, the Pope and rampant pedophilia. I knew about the concept of giving things up for Lent, but it wasn’t something we practiced with a lot of diligence.
Around this time of year I think about what I should give up, if I actually did such things. I often come up with some really great ideas, but I never actually give them up. I’ve recently decided to stop bullshitting myself and either not pretend to give things up or at least give up things I don’t do. That way, it’s really no big deal. I know that goes against the point, but as I said, I’m not Catholic.
When I thought about what things to give up, the first thought to cross my mind was “cocaine and porn stars.” Then I thought, that sounds like what Charlie Sheen should give up. This got me to thinking. It would be totally cool to make up a bunch of shit that celebrities should give up. It would be way funnier than reading about me, and it takes the attention away from my many shortcomings.
So. Here you go. A list of some celebs and what they should give up for Lent. If I missed anyone, please let me know.
Charlie Sheen–Cocaine, porn stars, public meltdowns and leaving rehab.
Michelle Duggar (the chick with 19 kids)–Sex.
The Miami Heat–Crying in the locker room.
Chris Bosh (Miami Heat)–Whining. So what if the show Basketball Wives contacted your Baby Mama. You knocked her up.
Paris Hilton–Trying to be famous.
Tom Brady–That stupid ponytail. Believe it or not, the Bieber cut was better.
Gary Busey–trying to pretend he’s lucid.
LaToya Jackson–See “Gary Busey”.
Al Davis (Raiders owner)–Breathing. Please? We need a new owner.
Lindsay Lohan--Don’t bother Judge Stephanie Sautner is about to lock her up & take everything away for her.
Donald Trump--the comb over. Seriously. It looks stupid.
Daniel Tosh (of Tosh.0)–Nothing bro. Keep doing what you’re doing!!!!
In case you were wondering what I decided to give up:
J.R.--chick flicks and green veggies.
P.S. I’m not trying to mock the idea behind Lent, because it’s absolutely a great thing to look at yourself and find things that you can give up which would improve your life. I’m having fun with a funny subject. I think God knows I’m a righteous dude trying to do the right things. I hope he knows that.