The Most Interesting Man In The World
Lets be honest, domestic light beers all basically taste the same. It doesn’t matter if it’s Coors Light, Miller Lite or Bud Light, you’re pretty much getting the same crappy taste for the same low price. As I heard Adam Carolla once say, “There’s only so much you can do with 95 calories.”
Back in the day they used to put hot chicks in beer commercials or at least give us hip, cool animals like my homeboy Spuds McKenzie. Now they create problems in order to get us to buy their swill. “What kind of problems are they creating?” You ask. Well, how about the “Cold/Super Cold” label on Coors Light bottles? Or Miller Lite’s vortex bottle.
I’m gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question. The Coors Light label and the Miller Lite vortex “technology” are only on their bottles. Does that mean the beer in their cans tastes worse than the bottles? That’s the message I get. If their bottles provide a superior beer experience, that infers that the experience of drinking their beer in a can is inferior. Am I the only one who sees this?
Let me attack the Coors Light logic for a moment and ask when anyone ever had a hard time telling if their beer was cold enough to drink? I’m pretty sure that’s what our hands are for. “Ah, J.R., but what if someone is missing both their hands?” That’s a fair question and I will respond by saying, “That’s what your stump is for.”
Lets take it a step further. “J.R., What if the person is quadriplegic and can’t feel the cool sensation of the bottle? What then Mr. Smarty Pants?” At that point, I would simply say that if you are a quadriplegic, I’m pretty sure you have more important concerns than whether your beer is Super Cold or simply cold.
Think back to all the times in your life that you’ve consumed beer. Has there EVER been a time when you touched a beer, then froze up because you weren’t sure if it was simply cold or if it was Super Cold? Before these commercials came out did anyone ever walk into their neighborhood bar and say, “Yo Timmy. Give me a Super Cold one?” I think not.
The only people who need a beer label to tell them their beer is cold enough to drink are morons. Or, as previously mentioned, possibly the quadriplegic. Then again, a quadriplegic would need someone to open the bottle for them and as long as that person isn’t a moron, the label is inconsequential. Moving onto the vortex bottle.
I have no problem admitting that I’ve consumed a fairly large number of beers in my day and I can tell you with 1000% certainty that I’ve never had a problem with the beer coming out of the neck of the bottle. I’m not sure why I need vortex technology if I’m drinking shitty beer, but Miller Lite is trying to brainwash me into thinking I can’t live without it.
Miller Brewing Co. brews Miller Lite as well as a bunch of other mediocre beers. If this vortex technology really is, “All that and a bag of chips”, why don’t all their brands use it? I’ll tell you why. It’s a bullshit marketing ploy. It’s even dumber than that dude in skinny jeans commercial they ran for a while.
Dictionary.com defines “Vortex” as: a whirling mass of water, especially one in which a force of suction operates, as a whirlpool. I get the, “Whirling mass of water,” part. I mean, it is 95 calorie light beer, which is essentially water, but I don’t get how a beer bottle can operate as a whirlpool. I am, however, a big fan of, “Force of suction”, if you know what I mean. I will never be drunk enough for you to convince me that my beer bottle will blow me.
Did Miller Lite put some actual thought into this or were their marketing people passing the bong to the left when some dude suddenly said, “Vortex is a cool word. Let’s use it in a marketing campaign.” They skipped right over the fact that their bottle is in no way vortex-like. All they did was put some ridges on the long-neck and called it, “Vortex technology”.
If Miller Lite hired me to do their marketing, I would put a bunch of scantily clad women in the commercial along with a few overweight guys in wife beaters. The commercial would go something like this. “Miller Lite tastes the same as all the other crap in its category, but as long as you keep buying it, we will keep putting top-shelf honeys in our commercials.”
If you want a great beer commercial, check out the Dos Equis commercials featuring the Most Interesting Man In The World. That dude is a suave mother fucker. Guys want to be him and chicks want to be with him. I’m sure some guys want to be with him too. My friend Gay Andy has a thing for the Latins and I would bet that he probably has a daddy thing going on too. I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
To me, the ultimate beer experience would be sitting on one of those Corona beaches with The Most Interesting Man, Spuds, the St. Pauli Girl and a gaggle of hot chicks in bikinis. What would I be drinking? Pacifico con limon of course. Stay thirsty, my friends.
These are two of my fav beer commercials and are only about 15 seconds each.